Sunday 12th August 2018
Its been 19 days since my last blog so I thought it was time to sit back down with a big cup of coffee and set to work on another piece. I would like to say the last 19 days have been amazing, but the simple truth is that I have been involved in yet another personal fight with depression. Since my last post, I feel into the black hole once more and for a while their struggled to continue with the day to day. Sure, I still got up each day and did all the things that I needed to do to keep a roof over my head with a big smile on my face each day, but the reality was that I was hurting inside and only a selected few really knew the full extent of the pain that I was working through.
I have spoken about my depression in these blogs before so I don't want to delve into that to much here this time round. What I will say is that depression is in no way discriminate of who it attacks or where it attacks. Most of the time, there is no valid reason for the way I'm feeling. Most of the time you won't even know that I'm suffering because I like many other suffers have found ways to hide it and continue on until the cracks begin to appear and forces you to face up to what you have been hiding from those around you.
By Tuesday last week, my cracks started to show and it was becoming more and more obvious that something wasn't quite right with me so I faced it head on. The level of understanding, empathy and respect I got from talking about what I was going through is still something I find hard to deal with at times because for most of my life, I haven't had that. I was always just putting it on or looking for attention in the eyes of the ones who where meant to be supporting me. So to have some empathy given to me when I was at my lowest point made me very emotional. I found myself not being able to have conversations without tears welling in my eyes. Now this is not a knew thing for me, I have always been an emotional being and wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess its just its been even more intense over the last 19 days.
The other thing I can say about this times journey down the black hole is that I know what caused it this time round. Most of the time, I can't say that but this time was different. Those who read my last blog (if you haven't as yet, I suggest you go back and read it as nothing I write from this point will make sense from here on in) will hopefully understand that I put every last bit of emotion in my body into that piece. I wanted it to be special to honour the strength and the sheer admiration I had for this special girl who I called Lisa. Lisa went through a lot, and put up with so much as I dealt with what I was feeling for her. The simple truth is that in the end, I couldn't stop loving her. Lisa became like my half girlfriend, she was the one that gave me reason to move forward each day when everything else seem lost. I didn't matter that she didn't feel the same way about me in the end because I loved her enough for the both of us. Every single beautifully worded song I heard reminded me of her and every place I went I could only think how much this place would be better if Lisa was here sharing this with me.
When I saw her, I played it cool like I was fine which enabled us to remain friends without it getting all awkward again, but the truth was each time we greeted each other with a hug, my world stood still and I didn't want to let her go. Everything just seemed right when she was in my arms. So you see, it was important that I tried to portray all of those feelings and emotions into those words I wrote in that last blog. I had been in contact with Lisa over the days leading up to the blog to firstly gain her permission as I felt that she at least had the right to know that I was going to be writing about a time that not only affected me but her. I also wanted to let her know because I wanted her to be alright with it, I respect her feelings and opinions obviously because I still held very strong feelings for her. The Blog itself, was more or less finished on the Monday night with the exception of a few bits to tidy up. Lisa gave me the go ahead to publish on the Tuesday and I received notice of that during my lunch break. That day after work, I jumped into my car to begin the drive home but before I did I checked my phone for any messages. There was a notification on my phone to say that Lisa had posted something knew to Instagram. I decided to look at what it was and all of a sudden it was like someone blew out my candle light out.
The thing that I had been dreading the most, actually happened. Lisa had met someone. I knew in that instant that everything I held so dear to me had gone. It forced me to wake up to the fact that I always knew but tried to ignore that it was never going to be more than friends. I guess I just believed in if you wanted something bad enough and wished for it hard enough, the laws of attraction would finally prevail. I had heard that others had done it and it worked, so I was willing to give it a go.
I got home that night and finished off the piece by saying that I wished her all the best in her new adventure. I meant it, Lisa deserves all the happiness in the world and I would never begrudge her that. The only thing that I wish for out of all this is her happiness. So, on the day I found out that she was starting a new relationship, I posted. Lisa did read it and told me that it was exactly what she expected it would be. She approved.
The following days were a mixture of just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind while I did my best to carry on forward. I was driving to work one morning listening to Jason Mraz's song, "If it Kills me". One of my favourite Lisa songs. All of a sudden, I was swept over with emotion and couldn't stop crying. Driving to work at 6am in the dark was hard enough but add a constant stream of tears into the equation and it made it near on impossible to drive. Worst still, I was driving through an area where they were doing roadworks so I couldn't even pull over to the side of the road until my moment had passed.
I knew I was in trouble emotionally so I decided to talk to one of my best friends. I visited her on Thursday night as I do every Thursday night and straight away she knew something was wrong with me. I have only known Tracey since November 2017. She is yet another ex-parent friend of mine and over the course of this last year has become one of my best friends. She's the kind of friend that I always wanted to have, she's strong, determined and in her own words, "Fiercely loyal". At times I question our friendship because I feel at times that its such an unlikely paring. I mean to say, Tracey is like the cool kid, the popular girl in school and I'm the nerdy one that never gets noticed, but for some reason we just click. She's the kind of girl that when we talk, we can talk to each other about random stuff all night and just laugh, then more often than not, realise that it's 3am and another day is dawning.
Tracey calls me her Kindred Spirit, I never really knew what that meant until now. Tracey could tell that something was wrong with me and it didn't take me long to fill her in. I had spoken to her before about Lisa so she was well versed in my feelings for her. I have actually told her more stuff than I tell most others about myself so telling her this information was very easy in the end. I kept saying to her, I don't get why I'm feeling like this. She was never mine to begin with so why do I hurt so bad? Tracey was like, it's simple, you have every right to feel like this because you had real feelings for Lisa so your allowed to feel hurt.
She was absolutely right of course, I did have real feelings for Lisa and I guess a grieving period for what I was feeling was understandable. As the time wore on over the coming days I tried to keep pretty much to myself. I cancelled Tutoring jobs because I didn't feel effective in what I was doing and things were beginning to wear me down. My only focus, was making sure my day time job was ticking by smoothly, which thankfully was. By the Friday of the following week I was feeling like rubbish. I had caught some bug which made me feel even worse and I had plans to catch up with a mutual friend of Lisa's. Lets just say, It wasn't my finest moment. I was in a bad way, coughing, spluttering aching all over and by Friday night, my patience had pretty much up and left me. So much so during a conversation with my friend, I got so frustrated with her that I actually did something that I never do, I swore at her. I instantly felt like crap and the rest of the night kind of went down hill from there. The sad part is, that I still don't remember if I even apologised to her for it. That person in my car that night was someone who left along time ago, that angry, frustrated person was not who I am anymore and if by chance you are reading this "N", I'm sorry I lost it with you, please accept my rather unorthodox public apology.
The following day Saturday, I spent the whole day in bed trying to get rid of my bug. By Sunday, I was feeling much better and knowing that my girls were coming over that night gave me the extra motivation I needed to pick up and start moving forward again. By about Wednesday, Thursday this past week, I felt the need to write again so I knew I was coming back. Its always a good sign when I feel the urge to write. That plus I was getting messages from loyal readers who were waiting patiently for the next instalment of this journey.
This Blog was meant to be about friendships today, as usual it has taken on a life of its own and gone off on another tangent. I am so very blessed to have some amazing friends in my life that support me in times such as these who know when to say at times the smallest things that help get me through. Without these words of comfort and encouragement, I may have given up long ago. The world is constantly changing and evolving and friends that were yours one day, may not be the next day. For every friend who has ever supported me you will never be forgotten.
