Blood, Fire and Spirit. (Part 19)

 

Tuesday 11th August 2020

I'm going to take you back in time a couple of years for this one taking you back to part way through 2018. I had just been offered a  new position at a service in Pakenham which I had visited on a couple of occasions already as relief staff. The center was amazing and to be honest, it would have to be to leave the service that I had already been working for the last few months where I had made quite a name for myself  as an Educational Leader and fitted in well with all the amazing educators that I was working with. 

Pakenham had that wow factor, it had a beautiful front foyer and welcoming staff that made you feel comfortable straight away. The yards were amazing, especially the Kinder Yard and I was just awestruck with the way the management team related to the Educators there. It was something that i had missed over the previous last year. When I was offered the position, I jumped at it and within a week of being there was called into the back office. I sat down with the Director and her second and was asked how I felt about the service. I told nervously them (no one enjoys being called into an office anywhere as it doesn't always end in good news and I had had my share of bad news in that previous year) that I was feeling really good about the move and felt like I was getting along with everyone really well. The Director seemed happy with that reply and went on to say that she had heard nothing but great things from all the educators and families that she had spoken to. She then went on to offer me a role as Room Leader for her Big 2s room. I hadn't room lead a two year old room before and was not sure how my style of teaching would relate to this age group but I was up for the challenge. My reply to her was pretty typical of me, "Let me think about that for a moment...Ah, yes". 

So, it was decided, I spent the next week doing handover with the previous Room Leader and met my two amazing assistants. One thing that I can always say is that I have been very lucky in my life to have some awesome assistants. Jess and Elvie were two of the finest. We clicked together so well and turned the whole room around. Quite literally, we redesigned the room, redesigned the focus in the room and concentrated on doing lots of mini projects focusing on each Childs interest.  Before long we had the children talking about subject matter that they hadn't even thought of before but taking it home and telling their parents. I'll never forget the conversation that I had with a mum during that time all excited about something she witnessed her son doing over that weekend. She told me that she found her son drawing a picture of a man, she decided to ask who the man was. The child thought for a moment and replied "It's Neil Armstrong", bewiled she asked, "Who's Neil Armstrong"? Her almost 3 year old looked up and said "He was the first man on the moon". The Mum told me that she was so surprised that he knew this and had to Google to see if he was right. 

It was during this time I had noticed one of the parents who brought her child in always came in wearing a Salvation Army top. Having been a Salvo many years before, I wasn't sure whether to approach her or not feeling anxious because of being transgender. Sounds stupid now looking back, but she almost scared me because I was worried how she would react if I ever had her child in my care. I didn't know if she was an officer or someone who worked in one of the Thrift Shops, I just knew she was a Salvo. 

As time progressed, towards the end of the 2018, we started transitioning children to get them used to their new rooms. As luck would have it, one of the children was the child of the Salvo lady that I was more or less avoiding conversation with. This child was an absolute ball of energy and a joy to have visiting in my room over the course of the transition period. One of the days, I noticed her sitting in a big wooden box that I had in the room. The children would usually build it into a cubby house or something similar, but here was this child doing something totally different. I approached the child and asked her what she was doing. Firstly, I should explain that she was sitting in this box with a block in her hand moving it from left to right and making some odd noise. The child looked at me and said these immortal words, "I'm driving to Church, do you want to come with me?" 

That was definitely an OMG moment, it was like she knew that I was having problems with communicating with her Mum while at the same time knowing something that I was desperately missing. If you have read previous parts to my journey, you would now how much the Salvation Army has meant in my life and here was this child inviting to drive me there. I didn't get to tell mum that night and wasn't sure how to approach her about it but knew that she had to know. Its a tradition with most centers that they have their end of year break up party for the kids and families. I noticed Mum was there and decided that now was the time to tell her what I saw. 

Mum looked at me, smiled and said, you need to come. I told her about my  reservations and that I didn't want to make any of the congregation feel uncomfortable  with my presence. She explained to me that Pakenham Corp has some very progressive thinking Officers and that they would love to have me there. Sure enough, the next time I saw her at the center she told me that she had spoken to her officers about me and they reiterated her feelings saying that they want me there. I got some details from her and told her I would thing about it. 

One Sunday morning she messaged me and told me that she had had a dream that night that God had told her that she needed to tell me that I had to be there today. I'm like really, why today especially? She told me she didn't know but she had past on the message and done her part, the rest was up to me. I asked her what time the service started and she replied that it started at 10am. I'm like, it's 8:30am now and I'm still in bed. 

Somehow, in an hour and a half, I managed to jump in the shower, get dressed and drive the 30min drive to Pakenham to arrive a couple of minutes after 10am. I walked into that hall and although I can't quite explain it but I felt home straight away. The Mum came up to me and asked me to sit with her and I did. I remember standing up singing the songs that were being projected on the screen and thinking this feels right. Every so often, one of the lines in the song were being amplified at me from the mum with an occasional wink to say, that's you. 

During the service, they had a commitment ceremony  which is like the Salvation Army version of a baptism. The family that was dedicating their baby was from Nigeria, I at that time had just met a Nigerian girl online called Lara. I'm like, what are the chances that in the middle of Pakenham, on the day I attend church for the first time in years a Nigerian child is being dedicated. The sermon began and it was all about Inclusion and Inclusive practice partially in relation to the church and how in the past they have ignored certain people and that time had passed. One of the songs we sung after the sermon and to end off the meeting was from one of my favorite Christian artists, Michael W Smith. That was it for me, if I needed any other signs that I was meant to be there I would have just been trying to avoid the unavoidable. 

After the service, I was introduced to both the officers and straight away, I knew what the Mum was tying to tell me. They were both so down to earth and full of compassion. The rest of the congregation introduced themselves to me one by one over a cup of coffee and a plate of biscuits and the feeling of finally being home again hit me. Over the following weeks I became a regular fixture around the Corp and one Sunday, I decided to give my testimony about how I had been searching, wanting and hoping to get back to church but was worried about how I would be received as a result. I went on to say that from the moment I walked into Pakenham Corp, I felt immediately at ease and that was a testament in itself to the congregation that had built that and I thanked them for allowing me to be with them. 

I was surprised at the end of it when some of the older Salvos came over to me after the service and told me that I'd really touched a place in their hearts and began thanking me. From that point on, Pakenham was my home and although I was working in Pakenham and traveling 30mins each day for work, I was more than happy to do the same on a Sunday to be with my Salvo family. 

During this time I have made some amazing connections that I know will last a life time and some unfortunately ran out when my usefulness ran out. Some lessons are very hard to learn at times and although I was getting warning signs from friends around me along the way I kept giving them the benefit of the doubt until I saw it with my own eyes what was happening. I'm not going into anymore detail than that because sadly, those feelings are still pretty raw and to be honest, I'm left feeling foolish because I thought I was helping when in actual fact I was only enabling the bad decisions that this person was making.  

Over the course of 2019 I was becoming more and more imbedded in the Army and even at one point considered going back into uniform. I wasn't sure exactly how that was going to work but it was a real possibility at the time. Pretty soon, it was my favorite time of year roll around. Red Shield Appeal Sunday. Something I always looked forward to. In the past I door knocked, played chicken on the road at the traffic lights dodging cars and stood in shopping centers beside the kettle. Every year after the appeal we would go back to the Corp and the ladies there would feed us while some would sit at tables and count the donations coming in. It was a real feeling of community and I actually missed being apart of that. Red Shield 2019 was very different to those days, no more door knocking, little traffic light work due to restrictions which left Shopping centers and Bunnings and the Red Shield Sunday became a two week appeal. 

That first day I volunteered for Bunnings, let me tell you, I have a new found respect for the door greeters at Bunnings after that because nothing is colder than sitting in the wind tunnel they call the front doors at Bunnings. It was so freaking cold that no amount of clothing was going to warm me up. The following week I volunteered for the shopping center and loved every minute of it. As I was working in Pakenham, I knew a lot of the families walking past and it was a change to see them in a different light. Of course the children would do the usual double take when they look at you and try and figure out where they know you because your not in the usual uniform. 

Around May 2019 I had fallen into another slump thanks to my depression. I fell into a complete hole and struggled to climb out of it. To me, everything that I had worked so hard for over the years was being threatened again. I was becoming consumed by the black hole that left me feeling what's the point of going on. It was the Salvos that help save me from that. My officer rang me up one day after the Sunday service in which I hadn't attended. He asked if I was ok, I told him I was struggling to function. Later that day, he and his wife rolled up on my doorstep with donuts looking for coffee and to sit with me for a while, I told them what was happening and they both stuck by me through one of the darkest moments in my career. 

It was around this time that I was recording an interview with the amazing Dr Ruby Red Scarlet for her upcoming online course, "My Friend Has Two Mums: Gender and Sexuality in Early Childhood". Incidentally, this amazing course featuring me is happening again on the 1st September 2020. I will leave a link to the Multiverse site on the Inclusive Educator Facebook page. I remember during the interview being filled with sadness about the predicament I was in and that projected in the interview as being somewhat negative in certain aspects. After the interview Red ask me what was happening and I explained to her. She gave me some amazing advice as you would expect and from that point began crawling back out of the hole. We decided to re-record the interview and I'm so glad we did because the second version was amazing an exactly the message I wanted to get across in the first place. 

Towards the end of 2019, I met a girl who I liked very much. I decided to spend my weekends getting to know her better as weekends were our only time to catch up as she lived in the city. I always intended to go back to the Salvos, they helped me through some tough time but at the time, I had to give my all to my new relationship. The new year rolled around, Covid broke out, the relationship broke down  and before long, restrictions became the new normal. I still keep in contact with my church family but not seeing them every week to catch up and share that experience has been hard.

 I was never a smash you over the head with my beliefs especially my religious ones.  I believe that is up to the individual, me forcing people to go to church is only going to make them rebel more. I have many friends now, and yes, some of them happen to be atheist's and one in particular is probably  reading this now. I don't question her beliefs as she doesn't directly question mine. Some of her posts though I must admit make me squirm but then I think she's entitled to her opinion as I am entitled to mine and I just scroll past. 

Hopefully by Christmas 2020, we can all be together again but sadly I doubt it given the current Covid climate. Until we all do met again in that very precious, newly repainted.......yet again,  church, I want to just say to all at Pakenham Corp, thank you so much for making me feel so welcome over the past couple of years and knowing that I will always have a home among you. Thank you also to the little girl who offered to drive me to church. Who knows, with one more lifestyle change, that uniform could still become a reality.

Sharon Priestley

I don't usually do this but I would like to dedicate this blog to two very special girls, Zoe for offering me a lift and to Jasmine who inspired me to write again. Thank You both. 

Reflections of...........(Part 15)

Tuesday 1st January 2019

Let me kick this first post of the year off with Happy New Year to all of my amazing readers. I hope 2019 brings you all the joy, love and happiness that the year can provide. I would also like to thank you all for being apart of my journey and again thank you all for all the amazing feedback that you send me on my previous posts. You truly inspire me to keep this going. 

As any Educator will tell you, reflections are just another part of life. We do them Daily, Weekly, Monthly as well as some do them by the School term or by the year. Its a chance for us to reflect on what we have done, what worked and what didn't and how we to tweak it a bit to make it better. Its also a chance to set individual and group goals to try an achieve over a certain time frame. 

Over the past couple of years I have written down a few words of what I want to achieve for the New Year and do my best to stick by them as much as possible. Last year my goals were to let go of all the things that were holding  me back from being the best that I could be. I began by letting go of all of the negativity of the past and all the clutter out of my life. No more emotionally draining friendships where it was always all one way. You know the kind, where you always there for someone when they need to unload but when you need someone, their never there. 

I also began to believe in the power of positive thinking which led me to the law of attraction. Basically, if you surround yourself with positivity you will actually attract more positivity. I began to envisage a future where all i had to do was think about something I needed and eventually it would happen. 

A great example of this was when my good friend Narcisa and I went into a shop one day. It was a crystal shop, in the past I have avoided these sorts of places but due to my love of all things purple, I wanted to see what Amethyst stones they had. While looking through the shop, I came across a group of figurines cut out of various stones. One of the designs was of Ganesha, the Indian God that is said to bestow great wisdom and fortune upon its followers. I remember thinking that this would be a perfect gift for one of my Best Friend's Mandeep. 

Mandeep who I have spoken about previously, is my sister who introduced me to Indian culture and along with her fellow educators, kind of adopted me as one of their own. Ganesha was all over the shelf and I thought I wish there was a purple one because it made it all that more personal coming from me. Out of nowhere, a purple one appeared on the shelf that seriously wasn't there beforehand. I told my friend Narcisa what had just happened and I don't think she believed me straight away until I said, I wish there was another purple one so we could have a matching pair. All of a sudden Narcisa started laughing and eventually said, OMG, there's one right here. She picked it up and showed it to me. I replied, that so wasn't there before because I looked over every one of them. Narcisa agreed and from then on became a converted believer in the law of attraction. 

My developing friendship with Narcisa over the past year was probably one of the many big positives to come out of the year. Walking away from the negative influences in my life, gave me a chance to focus on more positive people. Narcisa is a girl I worked with at a previous centre and a mutual friend of my other friend Maida. The three of us teamed up throughout the year for catch ups and a comedy show in the city. We also did things separately. For Narcisa and I it was our road trips. We'd just decide that we were going for a drive, jump in the car with some snacks and just drive. 

It wouldn't matter if we were heading to somewhere close by like the Dandenong's or as far as Ballarat to visit Sovereign Hill, it was always a great day out just laughing at the silliest things and the funniest situations. It was great for us both just to spend some time away from the normality of our lives and take a chance to live in the moment. Some of our funniest moments were me telling Narcisa where we were headed and have her try to pronounce the name of our destination. The beautiful town of Warburton got absolutely butchered by Narcisa and remains a running joke to this day. This year I'll be looking for more places with Narcisa with even more complicated names. Places such as Eildon, Walhalla and Echuca are all places to be considered for this year. Thank you Narcisa for being such an amazing sport to endure my warped sense of humour but as you witnessed on Christmas Day, it came from somewhere. 

Also last year I became more acquainted with some of the families of the children I had in my care from the previous year. At the end of 2017 I met two amazing twins that went on to shape one of the most amazing friendships of 2018. Robyn is the twins Mum and and an unbelievable source of inspiration to me. It all came about when I went to the twins house for a visit after work one Friday night and to say it was very clear that they had missed me was an understatement. They dragged me from one end of the house to the other eager to show off their rooms. Then came the birthday parties which were amazing. I offered myself to Robyn as a babysitter anytime she wanted and thankfully her and her Husband Rob took me up on the offer. One night Robyn told me that she needed some "Sharon time" so I invited her around to my place for a catch up. We got to talking about our Careers over a bottle of wine and how I wanted to take mine to the next step. Robyn suggested I begin writing a blog. Who would want to read my story? was my reply. Robyn told me that I shouldn't underestimate how many people would actually be interested. The next day, I wrote my first blog. To date I have 376 combined members over my two pages. This coming year brings more of my journey and things that I want to focus on in the future. 

Although this year was all about positivity and gaining a new prospective, I once again became acquainted with the black hole of depression. For like a month in July, I lost perspective of everything and struggled to regain it for a while. I was sailing along so well that I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants thinking I don't need these anymore and I basically fell in a heap. Thankfully, my strong network of support managed to drag me back from the edge and I continued on. Wasn't one of my finest moments but it was a reminder that I still have a way to go. 

I also finally decided to stop feeling guilty and responsible for my wife Maria (much to the sounds of thunderous applause from my friends). I finally came to this conclusion after she found yet another way to hurt me not once but twice. This particular time was extremely vindictive so I decided to basically cut her from my life all together. I blocked her from social media and blocked her mobile number so she couldn't contact me again. I finally felt free from her grasp and knew that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me again. 

Sadly this year there was a couple of deaths in the later part of the year which hit me quite hard. Firstly there was my Brother in law who passed away and because of me blocking Maria's number on my phone, I didn't get to hear about till two weeks after the fact by seeing it on Facebook. As soon as I realised what had happened, I contacted the family and thankfully was able to attend the funeral. I did expectantly run into Maria with her new partner which was more than a little awkward but we made it through without to much drama. The second person to pass this year was my Uncle. He was an amazing and kind human being who I admired a lot. Sadly over his last few years I hadn't seen him for a while and unfortunately due to work commitments, wasn't able to attend the funeral. I take comfort now that both of these relatives are in a much better place where pain can no longer hurt them. 

One of my biggest and hardest decisions came around June for me. I made the move to an amazing centre in November of 2017. I Co-Room led the Kinder room with the amazing and talented Mandeep who I have spoken to at great lengths in a previous post. I was their to fill in for the Kinder teacher who was on maternity leave. By the time she returned I was the Educational Leader for the centre and implementing some huge changes in the way we did programing and documentation. This was a role I really enjoyed and the experience was invaluable. I was asked to go to fill in at another centre one day and I accepted and went. From the moment I walked in the door, I was blown away. The wow factor of this centre was huge. 

Within two weeks, I had made the decision to move to this new centre after they offered me a position. It wasn't easy to leave one of my best friends and the people who excepted me as one of their own but necessary for my own growth. Within a week of being at my new centre I was offered the position as room leader for the 2-3  room and with my two amazingly talented assistants made our room the best it could be. This year I have been offered an exciting new role within the company that will see me reach goals that I have been working on for a while now. It will give me the opportunity to help shape our amazing centre for the future. 

This year I also had the extreme pleasure of being apart of four very special birthday parties. The first one was Phoebe, then came Hugh and Isla. After that it was time for two special girls who I have known since they were the age of 3-4 and I had them in my care at the centre I was working at. This year, we celebrated their 10th Birthday with all of their Kinder friends from the same year. In November I headed to Sydney to help celebrate another special birthday. Once again I had this child in my centre. She was in the nursery room and her and I built a bond that has seen me last year drive to Sydney to help celebrate her 8th birthday party. I have said it before but I'm am so blessed and humble at the fact that I have been allowed to be such a big part of my kids lives. 

My friends list over the past year has grown dramatically as I have met so many new amazing people. People I work with at my new centre, friends that I met over the year and the families of the children I tutor who have become friends also. 

This year I want to focus on meeting more new people and hopefully find the girl of my dreams. I have envisaged her already, she will be amazing, kind and caring. She will have a beautiful heart and a loving soul and we will complete each others lives in every way. I'm also going to keep culling the negativity out of my life so nothing can hurt me again. I'm going to continue to write blogs, posting posts and fighting for Transgender people everywhere. My life is a life of love and acceptance and I believe if I keep pushing that message of love, public opinion will have to make the change accept that LGBTQI people are just people. 

I have also decided that I'm going to find the courage at some point to walk back into Church. I have missed the fellowship with others and could use the guidance and direction of where God wants me to take this journey in the future.

Oh, and one more thing before I end this. This morning I made a promise to my longest best friend in the world. With a friendship lasting over 30 years and surviving two broken marriages I promised that before June this year I will come up to visit her. Rutha, I can't wait to see you soon.

So this is where I end this one, I would like to thank you all for your continued support of this page. Please feel free to share it to anyone who you think may benefit from its words. Also, if you have any questions that you want to ask me about my journey thus far, please feel free to inbox me from my Facebook page. Once again, I would like to wish everyone the brightest and glitter filled New Year possible. 

Sharon

The Aftermath of Part 11...............(Part 12)

Sunday 12th August 2018

Its been 19 days since my last blog so I thought it was time to sit back down with a big cup of coffee and set to work on another piece. I would like to say the last 19 days have been amazing, but the simple truth is that I have been involved in yet another personal fight with depression. Since my last post, I feel into the black hole once more and for a while their struggled to continue with the day to day. Sure, I still got up each day and did all the things that I needed to do to keep a roof over my head with a big smile on my face each day, but the reality was that I was hurting inside and only a selected few really knew the full extent of the pain that I was working through. 

I have spoken about my depression in these blogs before so I don't want to delve into that to much here this time round. What I will say is that depression is in no way discriminate of who it attacks or where it attacks. Most of the time, there is no valid reason for the way I'm feeling. Most of the time you won't even know that I'm suffering because I like many other suffers have found ways to hide it and continue on until the cracks begin to appear and forces you to face up to what you have been hiding from those around you. 

By Tuesday last week, my cracks started to show and it was becoming more and more obvious that something wasn't quite right with me so I faced it head on. The level of understanding, empathy and respect I got from talking about what I was going through is still something I find hard to deal with at times because for most of my life, I haven't had that. I was always just putting it on or looking for attention in the eyes of the ones who where meant to be supporting me. So to have some empathy given to me when I was at my lowest point made me very emotional. I found myself not being able to have conversations without tears welling in my eyes. Now this is not a knew thing for me, I have always been an emotional being and wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess its just its been even more intense over the last 19 days. 

The other thing I can say about this times journey down the black hole is that I know what caused it this time round. Most of the time, I can't say that but this time was different. Those who read my last blog (if you haven't as yet, I suggest you go back and read it as nothing I write from this point will make sense from here on in) will hopefully understand that I put every last bit of emotion in my body into that piece. I wanted it to be special to honour the strength and the sheer admiration I had for this special girl who I called Lisa. Lisa went through a lot, and put up with so much as I dealt with what I was feeling for her. The simple truth is that in the end, I couldn't stop loving her. Lisa became like my half girlfriend, she was the one that gave me reason to move forward each day when everything else seem lost. I didn't matter that she didn't feel the same way about me in the end because I loved her enough for the both of us. Every single beautifully worded song I heard reminded me of her and every place I went I could only think how much this place would be better if Lisa was here sharing this with me. 

When I saw her, I played it cool like I was fine which enabled us to remain friends without it getting all awkward again, but the truth was each time we greeted each other with a hug, my world stood still and I didn't want to let her go. Everything just seemed right when she was in my arms. So you see, it was important that I tried to portray all of those feelings and emotions into those words I wrote in that last blog. I had been in contact with Lisa over the days leading up to the blog to firstly gain her permission as I felt that she at least had the right to know that I was going to be writing about a time that not only affected me but her. I also wanted to let her know because I wanted her to be alright with it, I respect her feelings and opinions obviously because I still held very strong feelings for her. The Blog itself, was more or less finished on the Monday night with the exception of a few bits to tidy up. Lisa gave me the go ahead to publish on the Tuesday and I received notice of that during my lunch break. That day after work, I jumped into my car to begin the drive home but before I did I checked my phone for any messages. There was a notification  on my phone to say that Lisa had posted something knew to Instagram. I decided to look at what it was and all of a sudden it was like someone blew out my candle light out. 

The thing that I had been dreading the most, actually happened. Lisa had met someone. I knew in that instant that everything I held so dear to me had gone. It forced me to wake up to the fact that I always knew but tried to ignore that it was never going to be more than friends. I guess I just believed in if you wanted something bad enough and wished for it hard enough, the laws of attraction would finally prevail. I had heard that others had done it and it worked, so I was willing to give it a go. 

I got home that night and finished off the piece by saying that I wished her all the best in her new adventure. I meant it, Lisa deserves all the happiness in the world and I would never begrudge  her that. The only thing that I wish for out of all this is her happiness. So, on the day I found out that she was starting a new relationship, I posted. Lisa did read it and told me that it was exactly what she expected it would be. She approved. 

The following days were a mixture of just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind while I did my best to carry on forward. I was driving to work one morning listening to Jason Mraz's song, "If it Kills me". One of my favourite Lisa songs. All of a sudden, I was swept over with emotion and couldn't stop crying. Driving to work at 6am in the dark was hard enough but add a constant stream of tears into the equation and it made it near on impossible to drive. Worst still, I was driving through an area where they were doing roadworks so I couldn't even pull over to the side of the road until my moment had passed. 

I knew I was in trouble emotionally so I decided to talk to one of my best friends. I visited her on Thursday night as I do every Thursday night and straight away she knew something was wrong with me. I have only known Tracey since November 2017. She is yet another ex-parent friend of mine and over the course of this last year has become one of my best friends. She's the kind of friend that I always wanted to have, she's strong, determined and in her own words, "Fiercely loyal". At times I question our friendship because I feel at times that its such an unlikely paring. I mean to say, Tracey is like the cool kid, the popular girl in school and I'm the nerdy one that never gets noticed, but for some reason we just click. She's the kind of girl that when we talk, we can talk to each other about random stuff all night and just laugh, then more often than not, realise that it's 3am and another day is dawning. 

Tracey calls me her Kindred Spirit, I never really knew what that meant until now. Tracey could tell that something was wrong with me and it didn't take me long to fill her in. I had spoken to her before about Lisa so she was well versed in my feelings for her. I have actually told her more stuff than I tell most others about myself so telling her this information was very easy in the end. I kept saying to her, I don't get why I'm feeling like this. She was never mine to begin with so why do I hurt so bad? Tracey was like, it's simple, you have every right to feel like this because you had real feelings for Lisa so your allowed to feel hurt. 

She was absolutely right of course, I did have real feelings for Lisa and I guess a grieving period for what I was feeling was understandable. As the time wore on over the coming days I tried to keep pretty much to myself. I cancelled Tutoring jobs because I didn't feel effective in what I was doing and things were beginning to wear me down. My only focus, was making sure my day time job was ticking by smoothly, which thankfully was. By the Friday of the following week I was feeling like rubbish. I had caught some bug which made me feel even worse and I had plans to catch up with a mutual friend of Lisa's. Lets just say, It wasn't my finest moment. I was in a bad way, coughing, spluttering aching all over and by Friday night, my patience had pretty much up and left me. So much so during a conversation with my friend, I got so frustrated with her that I actually did something that I never do, I swore at her. I instantly felt like crap and the rest of the night kind of went down hill from there. The sad part is, that I still don't remember if I even apologised to her for it. That person in my car that night was someone who left along time ago, that angry, frustrated person was not who I am anymore and if by chance you are reading this "N", I'm sorry I lost it with you, please accept my rather unorthodox public apology. 

The following day Saturday, I spent the whole day in bed trying to get rid of my bug. By Sunday, I was feeling much better and knowing that my girls were coming over that night gave me the extra motivation I needed to pick up and start moving forward again. By about Wednesday, Thursday this past week, I felt the need to write again so I knew I was coming back. Its always a good sign when I feel the urge to write. That plus I was getting messages from loyal readers who were waiting patiently for the next instalment of this journey. 

This Blog was meant to be about friendships today, as usual it has taken on a life of its own and gone off on another tangent. I am so very blessed to have some amazing friends in my life that support me in times such as these who know when to say at times the smallest things that help get me through. Without these words of comfort and encouragement, I may have given up long ago. The world is constantly changing and evolving and friends that were yours one day, may not be the next day. For every friend who has ever supported me you will never be forgotten. 

P.s..... I Love You..........(Part 11)

Tuesday 24th July 2018

There was a girl back in school in Nhill, my home town who I loved more than any other girl at the time. She was beautiful, she was popular, she was blond, blue eyed and her name was Lisa. Sadly Lisa didn't know I even existed and why would she, she was adored by everyone and the closest I ever got to being with her was at family function that we were invited to and thankfully it was a member of her family having a birthday so she kind of had to be there. For a brief moment in time, we actually danced together at this party. The world stood still for that moment and I valued every minute of that dance all through high school and still remember it fondly today.

I loved everything about Lisa. I loved the sound of her sweet voice and the way she would laugh when she spoken to anyone else but me. She had a style all of her own and I so wanted to be her. Years later I heard that she had moved to another country town and became a Dental Assistant. I found her on Facebook once and friended her. I was so happy to finally find her after all these years and to make contact with her. She didn't feel the same clearly, because not long after accepting me, she deleted me again. I don't blame her in a way, I always tried so hard to impress her and truth be told I probably sound like a blithering fool. You know when you are so awe struck by someone, you can't actually string a sentence together that makes sense. That was the effect Lisa had on me. For someone who prides themselves on being articulate, when Lisa was around, I kind of just lost the plot. She was indeed my Winnie Cooper. (Insert Wonders Years reference here). 

I brought up Lisa for a reason here. I have always loved the name Lisa. If I had a daughter, I would have named her Lisa. It's just a beautiful name and for me it encapsulates all that is good and kind in the world. Chances are, if I met you in my day to day life and your name was Lisa, you would be off to an unfair advantage in the popularity stakes. 

I have always known I was interested in girls, there is something about them that just captivates me. There has never been any doubt what so ever what side of the fence I was on. Girls all the way. I guess I'm over emphasising this point because to some, it's hard for them to get their head around that I identify as a woman, yet I'm attracted to women also. In fact it was one of the most frequently asked questions that I got asked. Some even just assume that I'm into men, which at times becomes a little awkward when I have to say ahhhh, no, your barking up the wrong tree. 

As I have stated before, I have nothing in common with Men in any shape way or form. I just don't get them. I can't talk to them and I don't mean in a Lisa can't talk to them kind of way, I just mean I have nothing in common with them. I had to ask one of my best friends husband the other day where to put the oil in my car because I had no idea. That's not saying all women don't know where to put oil in a car, it's just saying I don't. I was so scared about buying the wrong oil for my car that I had actually put any in it for three years. I know right!!! 

I'm sure I wasn't always this bad, I know where the water goes in the car, for the radiator. I even did that in my old car which was much bigger than the one I have now, and truth be told I'm pretty sure I put oil in my big car because you couldn't miss where the oil went in it because it was right on top of the engine. Oh, I have never changed a car tyre, Maria always did that. Awkward. In fact Maria did most of the traditional bloke stuff in the house. Just wasn't me, I preferred the cooking in the kitchen part was more my style. She can have the mowing and weed pulling, I wanted to create culinary masterpieces instead. On weekends I excelled at it. During the week, I passed enough to keep everyone fed and happy. 

Back to Lisa, I want to continue from where I left off on part ten, talking about falling in love again for the first time since walking away from Maria and our marriage. I'm not going to use this girls real name because I know she wouldn't want that. So I will refer to her as Lisa from this point onwards. It seems somewhat appropriate the old Lisa was my first real love and the new Lisa is my first real love 16 months after my marriage ended. 

This feeling took me by complete surprise. I didn't go looking for it and I certainly didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and it was a beautiful time for me because it proved to me that I was totally capable of loving someone again after the years of pain that I had lived through previous to that. 

Its kind of easy to understand why I fell for this Lisa, she is a  beautiful person with a heart full of sunshine that she shone on everyone that she came into contact with everyday. She is softly spoken, kind, gentle and just an amazing soul. It would be hard not to fall in love with her to be honest. 

I first met Lisa a few years ago now. Our first encounter wasn't particularly memorable other than I remember thinking that she seemed nice. As I got to know her over time, she began to make an impression on me. She was married, she seemed like she was happy in her life and projected that happiness everywhere she went. She was very well liked because she always had that ability to walk into a room and light up a whole place with her smile. 

As the years rolled on, things started to change for Lisa and the once happy girl that I had known found herself dealing with issues that no one should have to deal with. To her credit, she made it through and began the task of working on a new path without her partner.  

It was about a year later that I started going through my dramas with my own marriage and at that point where I needed to leave. Lisa was able to give me some advice along the way which was helpful but what I really admired about her, was the way she just picked up her life and moved forward. I have never actually told her this before, but her strength that she displayed during that hard time was so inspiring to me and helped me deal with what  I was about to go through myself. 

All through that time in my life when I needed support, Lisa was there. I mean she wasn't in your face. She was more of the cheering you on from the side lines when you needed that extra boost to get you over the line. 

Over the last 5-6 months of 2016, our friendship grew more and I began to look upon her as like a little Sister figure. I was there for her and same with her there for me when either one of us needed cheering up or extra motivation to get us through a rough patch. It was a friendship that went beyond anything that I had before. 

Christmas day 2016, Lisa contacted me and asked if she could drop by my house because she had a gift for me. I was like you didn't have to do that, all the while thinking, I'm so glad you did because I had nothing else to open Christmas day as our family gets together on Boxing day for lunch, so Christmas day 2016 was going to be a very quiet day spent by myself. 

Lisa dropped around and we greeted each other with the customary hug that seemed to of taken place every time we saw each other. I offered her a drink, everything seemed quite normal, we sat down and began talking about how Christmas days didn't seem the same anymore after the last year or two. I was finding Christmas Eve particular hard because Maria and I always made such a big thing of it and its not the same spending it alone. 

I began telling Lisa how proud I was of her and everything that she had achieved over the last few months. I told her how much I appreciated our friendship and how much I valued her as a person. I told her that I thought she was an amazing person full of light and then it happened. I felt myself tearing up as I spoke. I was seriously getting very emotional and I was like, what on earth is going on here. Lisa had to head off somewhere for lunch so we once again hugged and said goodbye. 

As soon as she left I was walking down my hallway thinking to myself, what the hell was that? I mean I'm an emotional basket case at the best of times but to actually get emotional like that over a seemingly normal conversation was like why? Then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I had develop feelings for Lisa. 

I was immediately confronted with the question, how did this happen? I mean, oh my goodness, she is an amazing girl who just brightens my day anytime that I see her but I hadn't felt like this for anyone ages. I hadn't felt these sorts of feelings since I met Maria and we were first dating. I had forgotten what they felt like and they were seriously overtaking me and it felt freaking amazing. 

All of a sudden I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Lisa. She entered into every conscious thought I had. "Wonder what Lisa is doing" "Wonder if she is OK." "I can't wait to see her next".  I found myself waiting at times for her to come online so I could just say hello, how was your day? I would hear a song and somehow relate it back to Lisa and what I was feeling for her. 

I finally plucked up the courage from somewhere to actually ask her around for dinner one night. During the many conversations we had had over time, we both discovered that Lasagna was one of our favourite things to eat. Lisa had told me that the one she made was really good and I told her that I would love to try it one day. That day came and I have to admit, it was freaking amazing and I still remember it to this day. I thought for a moment, that I maybe in a bit of trouble if I have to compete against this masterpiece, but a promise was a promise and that's what I made for us for dinner. 

The night Lisa came around was amazing. We talked for ages about everything that ignited and inspired us. We had so much in common and I felt a real connection with her stronger than I had felt in years. I served her my version of the Lasagna and she thankfully told me that she thought it was amazing. We talked into the night some more until she had to leave. We agreed to meet up the following day for lunch to finish of the leftovers of the lasagna. 

That lunch time, I met up with Lisa and we sat at a table with others in the room but I wouldn't have even realised because I tuned them out and focused on one thing only, Lisa's words. There could have been a crowd of people gathered around that day, but I only had eye's for Lisa. 

As time went on more and more I found myself almost obsessing about her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had began consuming every one of my waking hours. When she started creeping into my dreams also, I thought I needed to do something about it. I remember waking up early one morning after dreaming about Lisa once more and decided that I needed to put my feelings down in writing and tell her how I felt. I wasn't sure how it would go but I just felt I needed to let her know what I was feeling. So I got out of bed, opened up my computer, and put what I felt into words. 

I didn't actually mention her name in the piece, but felt very sure she would know who this letter or words were meant for. I posted as a note on Facebook as I did quite often when writing about my feelings and emotions. Not long after posting, I saw that she was on messenger so I sent her a message to say good morning. I then told her that she needed to read the note that I had just posted. Now some of you maybe thinking, why did I write a note? Why didn't I just tell her in person and sweep her off her feet. Well, to be honest, I was worried that I would start tearing up again and wouldn't be able to get my message across effectively so I chose to write it. 

I waited for what seemed like forever for Lisa to read my note all the time feeling my heart beating in my chest so hard that I thought I would die before she got back to me with a reply. When she did get back to me her reply was not what I hoped for, but kind of expected. Lisa told me that she was very flattered and Kudos to me for having the guts to say how I felt but she didn't feel the same way in return. She was happy to remain friends but that was all. 

Really, what else did I expect. She was way out of my league and I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be that lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life. She was and is younger than I am, more beautiful than mere words here can explain both inside and out and what on earth could I possibly offer her in return? Nothing. 

Time went on and things became a little awkward between us for a while. I had to convince myself that I needed to come up with a solution to fix the problem that I had created. I remember telling her one day that "It's OK, I'm good again, I think it must just be the hormones screwing me around, probably nothing to worry about". Lisa seemed to accept this and was happy to move forward and put all this behind us. That would have been good if I had just stuck to the plan. I discovered that I just couldn't switch my feelings off that easy and pretend that everything was OK. These are feelings that I hadn't felt in over 20 years remember and I wasn't ready to let them go just yet. 

I began finding excuses just to see her, silly excuses most of the time but reasons just to be in her presence. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to achieve. Probably trying to convince her that we could make something out of nothing if we tried but it was never going to work. I remember the first time Lisa actually snapped at me. I must of been pushing to hard or something and she quite rightfully snapped at me. I honestly almost cried then and there on the spot. I actually had to speak to a friend about it I was that devastated. "I can't believe it, Lisa actually snapped at me' I told my friend. My friend asked why? I was like, "I don't know, but she's never done that before". 

I decided I needed to try and distance myself from her after that and found myself getting into online dating to try and get my mind of Lisa. I had met a few people online and one particular match was looking kind of promising. I quickly announced to the world that I was "in a relationship" on Facebook and went and told Lisa that I had moved on that I was OK again and ready to continue our friendship. She cautiously agreed and everything was fine again for a while, or so it seemed. 

I kind of sabotaged any chance with anyone else because I found myself comparing them to Lisa. If a girl didn't have the "Lisa factor" as I called it, there was no point continuing on. The "Lisa factor" was defined simply as, if there was no spark like there was with Lisa on Christmas Day 2016, it just wasn't worth it. In reality, it was more that I was looking for an excuse because I knew to well that I had way to stronger feelings for Lisa and it wasn't fair on anyone to pursue another relationship till I had dealt with that.

Easter 2017 rolled around and I previous to this I had made back some ground in my regaining my friendship with Lisa. Lisa was going away for Easter with her family. I wasn't going to see her for almost a week and all of a sudden I felt lost. I fell into this deep depression where all I could think about was her again. I found post after post and related them to my situation and shared them. It got to the point where one of my best friends said to me, if you don't stop this, yo are going to loose Lisa forever. 

Hearing those words was almost to much to bare. The thought of losing Lisa for good was finally the thing that shook me out of it thanks to the words of a very wise friend who doesn't always tells me what I want to hear, but tells me what I need to hear. She was dead right. I loved her to much to lose her completely so I figured if I only have her friendship, that was enough for me compared to the alliterative. 

Since then we have rebuilt our friendship to a point that we are amazing friends and no that we each have each others back when the other one needs it. October last year Lisa needed a friend to support her, I dropped everything and was there by her side to help her through her tough time. November last year, I went through a tough time, Lisa in turn helped me through it. 

Apart of me will always love Lisa with all my heart. The day will come sooner than I prepared for that she will find that special someone who will whisk her off her feet and be the perfect one for her and I will feel a tiny bit heartbroken. Having said that, I will also be very happy for her because I know that above all else in this world, Lisa deserves to be loved for the beautiful, amazing soul that she is. My only wish is that that person loves her as much as I do and I know she will lead a beautiful happy rich life filled with  love. 

Thank you so much for you patients and understanding Lisa while I went off the rails there. You are an amazing person who I love more with each new day. I know you are about to be begin a new chapter in your life and I couldn't be more happier or prouder of you. You are now and for always be my beautiful little Sister.