Girl Dreams

17th July 2015

I often think to myself, how or why did this thing happen to me. I mean why couldn't I just be content with being who I was. Life would be so much more easier for me, I wouldn't have been bullied at school because of music class when I used to sing the girl parts with the girls. I wouldn't have been picked on for preferring to cook than to do metal work or wood work. Did i really need to do sewing class as an elective. i was crap at sports and to be totally honest crap at most things. So i guess you can say through my school years my life was bad.

Every single night I'd be frightened to make the journey home for fear of what would happen to me along the way home. I would regularly get beaten on my journey from school to home, as much as I did at school.  At the end of the day, you can't help what you are inside. I didn't ask to have a girl brain inside my body, but I am who I am. I love being with girls, i love talking to them, I love being one with them. I relate to them so much more easier than guys. 

Seriously guys are on another planet, I see how they treat women and it makes me sick. I have tried so hard to not be that person and in a lot of peoples eyes, that has made me weak, less of a man.....Great, i don't want to be one anyway.

Cut this bloody thing of and be done with it. Allow me to dress and act how I like everyday without the ridicule. If I want to shave my arms and legs, so be it. It doesn't make me a pervert, it allows me to be true to who I am. I accepted that a long time ago. I just wish everybody else could. I don't tell many who I am as a rule for fear of losing their friendship. It's a big step for any outward looking guy to say, I would love to go shopping with you and buy myself a new dress. 

I have always said it, girls clothes feel so right, it's hard to explain but once you put them on my cares go away.  I guess the excitement stems from not so much about the clothes but who i am. It's exciting to be a girl, I have wanted to be one all my life. In games I more often than not became a girl avatar, dreaming of how i would or could look. I would love to be a princess or a mermaid or a ballerina even but in actual fact I know it can never happen. The world is just not that accepting enough for me and I'm to scared of the outcome. I'm no Jazz or Caitlyn Jenner or anyone else who has the courage to stand up and say, this is who I am like it or walk away. 

I value the small group of friends I have, but if they were to find out the true me i would lose them also. Yeah, i know, they weren't true friends to begin with if they walk away, but I have always had this fear of not fitting in anywhere for obvious reasons. I thought I was the only one in the world that felt like this and I must have been sick or something. The more I have tried to suppress it the worse it got. I have wanted to end it all so many times and find myself at the brink of ending it and what do you know, i don't even have the courage to do that.

I was never going to amount to much in my life so i tried to be the best I could working with what i had. I have been married for almost 20 years and at first my wife was accepting, then she wasn't, then she was and then she wasn't, I threw out all my clothes and that was that. Almost 2 years since last putting on a dress. Those feelings are still there and are starting to boil away again and next time I don't think I can or want to stop them from coming back, sadly that may hurt a lot of people but weigh that up against 46 years of living a lie, who is worse off? 

At the end of the day it has upset two people I care very much about already, that in itself breaks my heart. I never meant to hurt anyone but again, i can't help the way i feel. I'm not a pervert, I'm not a paedophile, I'm just a girl stuck inside a mans body. 

To anyone of my new friends who have joined my page thinking I am something I'm not, I will understand if you want to leave my page. Yes i have joined some lesbian pages, the reason behind that is simple. I feel that I would have been a lesbian if i was born a girl, the idea of a man touching me makes me sick and I sure wouldn't wanted that as a girl. I love and respect girls and women to much. The idea of making love to a woman as a woman would be a dream come true. The funny thing is that my first girlfriend i ever had is now a very proud lesbian (not that we ever made love) and she discovered this while she was with me. Go figure.

For now I guess i will continue sitting here in my make believe world looking at clothes and wishing, secretly loving pink and purple, dolls, mermaids, fairies and sing frozen songs to myself  imagining I'm Princess Anna  (Love her so much) and imaging what may of been if I was born they way i should have.

Sharon