The following is a short story I wrote several years ago and although the sentiment in it is real, the actually story is fictitious. I thought it was worth sharing as it gives you an insight into how I was thinking at the time. So I hope you enjoy the following collection of feelings, thoughts and words:
I'd gone to be early last night, as i had been doing a lot lately. I had been finding myself gradually getting more tired as the day progressed, and yesterday seemed to be no exception. I'd just passed it off as getting older and that I just wasn't able to do the things that i had in the past. I slowly closed my eyes, and before i knew it, i was deep in sleep.
I'm not sure what time it was, but I awoke with a fright. I remember thinking to myself, that's strange, something doesn't feel right. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, i noticed this strange person looking back at me who i didn't recognise. I let out a little scream, thinking who is this strange person in my bathroom and why is he staring at me! Then it hit me, the man looking back at me in the mirror was me. How could this be, what happened to me, how on earth could I be a man.
I knew nothing about being a man, I had become something that made no sense to me. I knew nothing about cars and power tools. I knew nothing of drinking yourself to a point where all you want to do is bring it back up again. I hated everything that being male stood for. I can't do all that macho rubbish they do when they hangout with their mates. I can't treat girls like their opinions and dreams and hopes don't count for anything. I can't ridicule others because they may not fit the mould of what men should be.
I had always been a Girly girl. I loved life and everything that went with being female. I loved shopping for new clothes, shoes and trying them on and feeling them against my skin. I loved pampering myself by spending ages in a bath in the candle light. I loved the smell of perfume and skin lotions on my body. I love spending time doing my nails and hair just because it makes me feel good. I love getting all dressed up and being the centre of attention and knock everyone off their feet. I love spending time reading books and poetry, cooking and sometimes I even love cleaning when the radio chooses the right song as i clean. What was I to become when everything I knew and enjoyed about being a girl was taken away from me in one foul swoop. No more Cinnamon and spice. No more satin and lace, no more shoes!
I was left feeling miserable not knowing how i was going to get by living my life as a lie from this point on. Living as something i clearly wasn't, and i hated anything that may ahead for me. Life as a male is not going to work because it's not who i want to be and in my heart of hearts, is not who i am. I closed my eyes thinking there is no other way out other than to take my life. I stumbled to the kitchen desperately fumbling around for something in the dark to do the unthinkable.
I found a knife, I knew it well as I had used it many times before while cooking and having dinner parties with my friends. The knife was from a family member who abused me during my childhood and I kept it as a reminder of those days and to remind myself never to be downtrodden by a male ever again. I brought the knife to my wrist and just i was about to make the incision, I awoke with a start.
I was back in mybed again listening to my alarm go off telling me to get out of bed. I immediately ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, I cried and laughed with joy. I was still the girl I had always been.
Sharon
(looking forward to waking up from the dream myself someday)
I'm not sure what time it was, but I awoke with a fright. I remember thinking to myself, that's strange, something doesn't feel right. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, i noticed this strange person looking back at me who i didn't recognise. I let out a little scream, thinking who is this strange person in my bathroom and why is he staring at me! Then it hit me, the man looking back at me in the mirror was me. How could this be, what happened to me, how on earth could I be a man.
I knew nothing about being a man, I had become something that made no sense to me. I knew nothing about cars and power tools. I knew nothing of drinking yourself to a point where all you want to do is bring it back up again. I hated everything that being male stood for. I can't do all that macho rubbish they do when they hangout with their mates. I can't treat girls like their opinions and dreams and hopes don't count for anything. I can't ridicule others because they may not fit the mould of what men should be.
I had always been a Girly girl. I loved life and everything that went with being female. I loved shopping for new clothes, shoes and trying them on and feeling them against my skin. I loved pampering myself by spending ages in a bath in the candle light. I loved the smell of perfume and skin lotions on my body. I love spending time doing my nails and hair just because it makes me feel good. I love getting all dressed up and being the centre of attention and knock everyone off their feet. I love spending time reading books and poetry, cooking and sometimes I even love cleaning when the radio chooses the right song as i clean. What was I to become when everything I knew and enjoyed about being a girl was taken away from me in one foul swoop. No more Cinnamon and spice. No more satin and lace, no more shoes!
I was left feeling miserable not knowing how i was going to get by living my life as a lie from this point on. Living as something i clearly wasn't, and i hated anything that may ahead for me. Life as a male is not going to work because it's not who i want to be and in my heart of hearts, is not who i am. I closed my eyes thinking there is no other way out other than to take my life. I stumbled to the kitchen desperately fumbling around for something in the dark to do the unthinkable.
I found a knife, I knew it well as I had used it many times before while cooking and having dinner parties with my friends. The knife was from a family member who abused me during my childhood and I kept it as a reminder of those days and to remind myself never to be downtrodden by a male ever again. I brought the knife to my wrist and just i was about to make the incision, I awoke with a start.
I was back in mybed again listening to my alarm go off telling me to get out of bed. I immediately ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, I cried and laughed with joy. I was still the girl I had always been.
Sharon
(looking forward to waking up from the dream myself someday)
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