Saturday 29th December 2018
I guess you could say I have been taking a break over the last few months so I could concentrate on my day job. I have also been working on a few new ideas for posts that will be coming up over the coming weeks and months so rest assured this journey is far from over. To every that continues to send me messages of support, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will continue to enjoy these posts. To the people who have just discovered these, welcome aboard this wild ride that is my life. Please feel free to go back and checkout some of my earlier posts that you will find on my home blog page or by accessing them through my Facebook home page for the Inclusive Educator.
Today I wanted to take you back when I was a child and take you through some events that have shaped my life into the person I am today. Please understand this may not be easy to read some of this due to some of the content involved and a some of it I havn't had the courage to speak about before to many if any people.
I have always had an issue in my life with trust. Sometimes I trust people to easy and get hurt quite a bit as a result. Males I have also struggled to trust. I have tried in the past to trust them, but more often than not, they betray that trust. I'm not saying all males are like this because it's simply not true. Its just something I personally have a problem with because of past experience. In my life now, I have really only one male friend and he only became that way because he is married to one of my best friends. He is the reason that I still have faith in males as a species. He is an amazing husband to my friend and is a loving and supportive Dad to his children and has excepted me into his family "Village" with a huge amount of trust associated with that.
Sadly, that wasn't always to be the case along my journey. Heading back to school, I always found it hard trying to relate to the boys in my class. As I grew up in the country, most of them all had farming backgrounds or were great at sports whether it be athletics, football or basketball. They mostly talked about cars, farm machinery or sport. None of which interested me. As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I know nothing about cars and I have no sporting ability what so ever. Sure, I tried basketball and loved it but I was more out there to force the fouls. Most games I would just get fouled off and spend the remainder of the game on the bench. I was involved in Little Athletics and never one a race, best I ever achieved was I came second last in a race and that was because the guy I was competing against had an artificial leg after he lost part of it inside a combine harvester. He was affectionately known as Plug for this reason I guess. We were doing a 400 hundred meter run and coming down the last 100 meters Plugs leg came loose from its bindings and fell off. All Plug could do was hop down towards the finishing line and it was during this time I passed him along the straight. You would have thought I had actually won the race I was that excited.
I was once asked back in primary school, what did I want to be when I grew up. I thought for a while and came up with these three answers. I want to be a cook, an VFL Footballer or a truck driver. Two of these things had no chance of ever coming into fruition but I didn't want to sound like I was to much of a girl around all the testosterone that was around even in primary school. In reality, boys interests didn't interest me so it was more of a defence mechanism to try and not standout to much. At this stage in my life, I had pretty much put it all together in figuring out who I was.
I was a Cub Scout when I was younger also. Along with many of the children in my class. I actually enjoyed putting on the uniform and heading off every Wednesday night (for memory) to participate in learning bush skills and helping the community. Bob a Job time was a personal favourite as I got to go out and do things to help others and get a donation for doing it. During this time it was announced that we would be having a weekend away to some place near by where we will be camping and doing some rock climbing and abseiling. This sounded like a great adventure to me although I had no idea what abseiling was but I was willing to give it a go.
Who in their right mind, jumps off a cliff face backwards tied to a flimsy piece of rope. Oh my goodness, was I in for a rude shock. I remember standing on that rock face scared out of my shoes. I'm not sure how I completed the jump, but somehow I did and actually loved it. That night we were all in our tents. I was sitting there very proud that I had actually found the courage to do this thing when two guys from the neighbouring tent asked me if I wanted to come over to their tent for a bit. I thought, might as well because I was by myself in my tent so I headed over to their tent. I had known these two guys for quite a while now, we had attended the same school since we began our schooling life so it was a fair enough assumption that I would be ok. Sadly I was wrong, upon entering the tent, one of them tried to pull down my pants and sexually assault me while the other one sat in front laughing at me.
I was so scared, I was trapped in a situation that I didn't even know was possible. I was extremely naive back then and had little to no knowledge of what was happening other than I knew it wasn't right. To give you an idea of exactly how naive I was back then, I actually didn't even realise that boys and girls had different body parts. Apart from girls having breasts, I didn't know there was even a difference. I just knew I preferred being around girls to guys. I remember asking my mother once "When a baby is born, how do they tell if its a boy or girl?" I was quite intrigued about it and wanted to know how this was achieved. My Mother gave me a look like Seriously followed up closely by "Go ask your Father". Can't remember if I asked him in the end, I think the look of disbelief kind of put me off the idea.
That night I went back to my tent and lay there in my sleeping bag wondering what had happened. I was upset for allowing myself to trust these two guys who had done some pretty ordinary things in the past but I thought or hoped that they had moved on a bit. I decided never to tell anyone because I wasn't even sure what to say. So it was decided, I didn't tell the Cub leaders or my parents or anyone else. I have blocked it out till now. It was all about self preservation for me at the time, I just figured that no one would believe me anyway.
That was probably where my distrust for males began. After that time it was just one thing after another. I had one child decided that it would be fun to humiliate me further in front of a group of friends. He decided that it would be fun to pee on me, so, without warning. He pulled it out and started peeing on my leg. This happened at my own house. Thankfully my Dad found out about this one and dealt with the situation. Again I was like confused wondering why me.
A few years later after being tormented about my scar on my mouth from when I was born and the children at school coming up with their own version of events why it was split. Apparently I was giving oral sex to my Father and he split my mouth. I wasn't even sure what oral sex was then but leave it to the kids at my school to tell me exactly what it was. I was so disgusted and ended up telling my Aunt at first who was staying with us and then went on to tell my Dad.
It was about this time that I discovered that the guy had been calling Dad all my life wasn't actually my Father. Apparently my biological Father dropped me off with my Mum at my Grandparents place claiming that no son of his could turn out like I was not long after bringing me home from the hospital. It turns out I had a few complications during birth including a Hair Lip which is why to this day I still bare the scare of my birth. He went onto imply that my Mother must of been with someone else to create me. With the help of my newly discovered Step-Dad, we tried to track him down to see if he was willing to see me but he refused.
Although my relationship with my Step-Dad wasn't always smooth sailing, I had a lot of respect for him for what he has done for me over the years. He took me to countless specialist trips to Melbourne to try and help me with numerous different medical conditions that appeared over the years. The mere fact that we moved to the county in the first place was primarily so I could have a better chance at life because I had breathing issues in Melbourne. In short, he was and is the only person that I have called Dad and although I don't say it often enough, I love and respect everything he has done for me.
On a side note, we achieved a huge milestone together on Christmas Day. My Dad after struggling to get his head around it for the last couple of years called me Sharon for the first time ever. This was a huge step because for 46 years years he has always known me as Darren (arghhhh, still hate that name) but I'm proud to say, he is getting there. It made my day so thank you Dad. It meant more than you will ever realise.
Moving through on through school, I continued to go under the radar but at the same time I desperately craved friendships with anyone. I started to act out in class, sort of become the class joker just to get laughs but more often than not it would just wind up with me in a world of trouble. One class I never messed around in was Home Economics. My passion for cooking hadn't died and it was one of the only things in my life that brought me joy. My teacher at the time was Mrs Oldfield. She was amazing and truly an inspiration for me. She was kind with her time and always supportive and helpful. She was the kind of teacher that I hope I am today with my children.
Eventually, it was time to move back to Melbourne as work was drying up in the country. People were leaving, businesses were closing and moving back to Melbourne was the only option for some. My respiratory system was a lot stronger now so it was all systems go. I was initially excited about heading to Melbourne. A fresh start for me at a new school would hopefully allow me to reinvent myself. Sadly that wasn't to be. The same old stuff that was happening at my old school was beginning to happen all over again. I was different and everyone sensed that and once again I became the scapegoat for anyone who felt like paying out on me.
I found refuge once again with the girls in my class and they were supportive. The guys all had something to prove to one another. To the guys you fell under one of the following categories. You were either Gay, a Virgin, a nerd or one of them. I got classified as a Virgin. Didn't even know what that was back then but because I wore a white skivvy, that was my category. I didn't know whether to be offended or honoured. The truth is, I was but I didn't know it at the time.
I ended up leaving school at the first opportunity I had. I went to work in a scrap metal yard which was horrific. It was my first job and it was a means to an end to get me out of the schooling system. From there I went to work for Coles as a trolley pusher. Hated that also. My real passion remained with cooking. By this stage I had collected so many cook books and begin to write my own recipes that I needed to do something to make it happened.
I ended up getting a job at the Western Port Hotel in Hastings as a kitchen hand on the weekends. Saturday nights I would wash a mountain of dishes but on Sunday, I would go back into the kitchen and get to do some prep work with the Chefs. I loved this so much and it gave me some great experience but sadly, I didn't have a licence at the time and had to rely on my Dad to get me there but that wasn't always feasible so I left.
I ended up getting work in a restaurant in my home town as a kitchen hand. I was so excited to be working in a proper restaurant that specialised in French cuisine. To me I had made it finally. This was where my career was going to take off. Starting at the bottom I was going to learn everything I could, get my apprenticeship and become a Chef. The first Monday night I worked was very quite. Hardly anyone in the restaurant so it was a good opportunity to sample some food. First up was the garlic snails otherwise known as Escargot. I discovered then and there all about the concept of mind over matter. I put the snail in my mouth and thought this is actually quite good then my mind lost its control and thought about how when it rains, the snails come up out of the garden and sit on the footpaths and if you're not careful, pretty soon you will hear the crunching of shells under foot. It was about then during the thought process that I had to spit it out and dry desperately not to gag. I apologised to the Head Chef and he laughed it off much to my relief. A little later in the night, it had gone totally dead and we were the only two left in the kitchen.
It was during this time that the Head Chef asked if I was with anyone. I wasn't at the time and I said no. He asked me if I was interested in anyone. I replied "Only Maddona". The truth is I loved Maddona so much. I so wanted to be her. She was everything I wish I could have been back then. Sexy, loved and wanted.
The Chef seemed happy with this revaluation so I went onto tell him about the limited addition of Playboy that I had with Madonna in it. Now, have to explain something here. Back then, any poster, book or item of clothing that mentioned Madonna, I wanted. I even knew people going to the Melbourne show and asked them if they would bring me back two Maddona showbags. I had pictures of her all over my walls and room. I had her albums and videos, I even took the day off one day just so I could head into Melbourne to be one of the first to see Desperately seeking Susan, Maddona's first ever movie. I was absolutely in love with her. It seemed a perfectly thing to have a copy of that edition of Playboy to add to the Maddona memorabilia.
The Chef asked if he could see it. I told him yes and he said while its quite, do you want to get it knowing that i lived nearby. I said sure, so I set off on my bike to collect the much talked about copy of Playboy. Upon my arrival back at the restaurant, he had a quick flick through it and placed it on the bench. He asked me to point out which were my favourite shots of her. I turned and opened up the pages to where Maddona appeared and the Chef came up behind me, took down my pants and proceeded to sexually assault me there in the kitchen of a deserted restaurant. Once again, I was scared and not knowing what to do. Had I brought this on myself by grabbing the magazine or did he just prefer young children. I wasn't even 18. Although their was no penetration, it still made me feel sick having him rub himself up against me. I was sad and confused. My dream job had turned into a nightmare.
After he had finished he told me that he was going away for the weekend and wanted me to come along. I was worried what this would involved but also scared if I didn't go that I would loose my job and this was already my fourth since leaving school so I didn't want to go home and say that I'd lost another job. I told him that I would ask my Parents if I could go. I didn't know what else to say. As it turned out, I asked permission to go and quite rightfully they said no. Probably the first time in my life that I was happy to have a no. I went back the next day and told him i wasn't allowed to go and within the week I no longer had a job working in the hospitality field.
I told myself there and then that I would never go back to working in kitchens again. I could never allow myself to fall into a situation like this again and leave myself open and vulnerable. It also fuelled my distrust in males. Didn't want to have to deal with another one again. I tried telling someone about this story once and it was met with a response of "Oh", like i was only telling them for shock purposes. No one makes this stuff up, its real and it happens to women all the time. Some guys think they have the right to take advantage of someone they see as weaker than them. No one has a right to treat another human being in this way. I am a strong advocate for saying no to any form of violence against women. Be it verbal, physical or emotional. I have been through all of it myself in my life and I'm willing to take a stand and tell guys that they need to do a better job.
I started off by saying that this will not be an easy one to read and it shouldn't be given the content. We should feel very uncomfortable about Sexually assault and find a way to show the perpetrators of this that their few moments of joy can ruin someone's life and no one has that right to hold that power over you.
Sharon
