Looking for love in all the wrong places.......(Part 17)

Tuesday 8th October 2019

It's certainly been a while since the last one of these, so I thought it was time to write another one. Its not that there hasn't been a shortage of material to write about, its more that life got in the way and I simply haven't had the time to write it all down. 

I guess, I should update you all on the Lara situation. As it was the last once I wrote all the back in January. Well, things were going well for a while, when I say a while, I mean about a month, then everything just sort of vanished. Lara went missing and for all intensive purposes, fell off the face of the earth. She eventually contact me to say that she had been in hospital and had no way of contacting me. After a while, the distance between had became to great and I couldn't sustain any sort of relationship with her because I needed human contact. With Lara being in another country and with me never having a chance to visit her, I decided to call it quits. Thankfully, Lara was very understanding and we still remain friends because I think she was feeling the same. 

By the time I had finally called it quits with her, another drama had taken up all of my time and effort and to be honest, I couldn't think of anyone else at the time and focused on getting through one of the biggest challenges in my life. That will be the subject of another blog at another time when I workout how to tell that story and avoid the legalities involved. 

After I came out the other side of that drama and was able to breath again, I decided to dive back into the murky world of Internet dating. What an eye opener that is. Internet dating wasn't a thing before i was married, heck, the Internet was barely a thing when I got married. Needless to say, I made a profile and sat back after going through all the hopefuls and waited and waited. Before long I had a regular procession of strange requests from people offering me all kinds of things. Now, I don't consider myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but some of these people were making me blush with embarrassment. A friend recently asked me what it was like with Internet dating. The only way I could describe it is, you need to pull out a lot of weeds before you find a flower hidden in the garden. To which her reply was, "But I don't like gardening". Fair call, I thought. 

I was getting requests from people wanting to hook up for a regular hook up arrangement which is not me at all. I had people wanting me to join in with their partners, again not me, swipe left on that. Then I got the scammers. These disgusting people that have nothing better to do with their lives than pray on vulnerable people like myself and feed you an amazing story and luckily, I had enough red flags and alarm bells going off that I realised what was going on. One particular girl, lets call her Esther (That is her real name so be very aware) claimed that she lived in an apartment in St.Kilda and was working under contract as a petroleum engineer. At the time, I had no idea what a petroleum engineer even did (I actually still don't) so I thought that was pretty cool. She was working in Norway and would be home at the end of October. We continued chatting and more and more things were making me suspicious but at the same time I thought, that's plausible. The fact that Norway has one of the most advanced Internet coverage in the world and she couldn't make a video call was kind of plausible. I just thought she was on some platform in the middle of the ocean looking for cheap fuel to put in my car. The fact that she began saying she loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life after a few days was plausible, because lets face it, I'm a catch........lol. The fact that she was telling me that she was getting five million dollars for the contract that she was working on and wanted to share it with me and invest in property and asked me to looking for multi-million dollar properties to invest in was plausible because i have no idea what a Petroleum engineer makes. 

The thing that did start making me wonder was one weekend she asked me if I like concerts. I told her that I did and the last one I had been to was Ed Sheeran with my friend Shelby. She immediately told me that she had met Ed when she was buying a property in the U.S. I was like, that's so cool, did you get any pics with him, she went silent for a moment and then told me that she had taken a Selie with him but it was on her old phone and that she had lost it along with Ed's number. OK, that part is plausible I guess, she wouldn't be the first to lose a mobile phone, probably won't be the last also. Then she said this, "When Ed was last over here, he came and stayed at my house with his crew". She just had to push the envelope just that little bit further. From that point on, everything just started to unravel for her. I asked if I could call her one day and she agreed to it but said that she was very shy on the phone. She told me at some point during our conversation about her American/Canadian background and I asked her if she had an accent and she told me that she had been living in Australia and had lost it over the years. Imagine my surprise when she did call she had a distinctive African accent. 

From there, the lies just kept coming. at one point she told me that she was heading to China to buy some items for her company, after the purchasing was done, she was going to have a week off and fly to Australia to see me. I was like, lets see how this pans out. Sure enough, she told me that she was in China and that she was very tired from the flight. By the second day she was telling me that she was very stressed out because the prices she was quoted for had changed and she didn't have enough money to cover the cost of what she needed (You can see where this is going already right?). I replied, why don't you just ask the company to transfer more money. After a while she told me that wasn't an option and that she would have to use her credit card and they would reimburse her when she returned. The next day she continued telling me how stressful it was and that she had a friend in the industry that agreed to give her $5000 to cover the costs. Mysteriously, that fell through and the inevitable happened. She asked me to send her $5000.......hahahahahaha. She seriously was asking the wrong girl. I replied I have nowhere near that sort of money, so she told me to send her what I had. I told her that I had enough for petrol (Notice the irony her being a petroleum engineer and all) for my car and nothing else after paying my rent and other bills and buying groceries. Then she came back with when do you get paid next. If you can send me the money for a plane flight, I can come and see you and be with you. 

It was at this point I finally said, "You can stop now, that's never going to happen but nice try. I'm done." She quickly replied, what do you mean, do you think I'm making this up. I just want to be with you. I just replied stop. 

So that was the demise of Esther and for a while there I was disheartened that all I could attracted were weirdos and scammers. I did have one successful date at least, until that fell apart three days later so back I went again to the dating sights. 

Eventually I found someone who fitted everything that I had been searching for. Someone kind, considerate and has a good heart. I'm not going to mention her by name just yet, because A. I don't want to embarrass her and B. I know that most of my friends will go looking for her and stalk her page to see what she's all about. She will read this and know who she is. At this point, that's all that matters to me because its still only early days yet and I don't wont to ruin what we already have established. Yes, I'm taking a very mature approach this time because I honestly believe that this could be something amazing and I don't wont to lose it now. We had our first date this past weekend and we connected in a way that I haven't with somebody for a very long time. This weekend coming, we are having our second date and I already know it's going to be amazing with what I have planned for us both.

This part of the blog is for you babe because I know you will be reading it as you are reading all my other blogs. Thank you so much for coming into my life and shinning your light on what has been at  times a very dark place. You have given me so much in these last couple of weeks and I look forward to what the future holds for us both moving forward. At the very least, I know I have a friend for life in you if not more. So, from the bottom of my crazy heart, thank you for bringing joy to my life once more. 

And along came Lara............(Part 16)

Sunday 20th January 2019

Well, its been 19 days since my last post and so much has happened in those last 19 days that I thought I'd better bring you all up to speed. 

I started this year by making a promise to myself that I was going to close the chapter on "Lisa" once and for all. I came to this conclusion or realisation because I honestly feared losing her as one of my best friends. She was a constant part of my life and still will be for many years to come I hope but she made it very  clear that it would never be anything more than that. 

I gave "Lisa" a card at Christmas time telling her that no matter what,  I was always going to be there for her to offer her love and support whenever she needed it without the commitment. For me to be able to move forward, I needed to try and make it clear (mostly to myself) that I needed to close that chapter in order to find someone who will be that special person in my life. As writing somehow makes it official, I chose that medium to convey this message. I once was told by a former employer that if you write  down and diarise your thoughts it actually helps you to achieve your goals. I'm not sure if this is what he had in mind when he told me but I thought I'd take a leaf out of his book and give it a shot. 

From there I set myself a goal to put myself out there as much as I can but then game the confusion again about who should be my target audience if you like. I know I'm not attracted to guys as previously stated, so that was never an option. So how do I begin this search for Miss right? 

I decided to go on an on line dating site and although I had some positive feedback, none of the matches seemed to suit the person that I knew in my heart that I wanted. As I said in my last blog, I already knew the kind of girl I wanted because I had already envisaged her through my positive thinking process. Thankfully, none of the girls on the dating site fitted the criteria that I was after so I lost hope pretty quick there. 

I then decided to search Facebook for dating pages. I found one for the LGBTQI community and decided to upload some photos and add a short bio about myself. Again, there was a little bit of interest but nothing earth shattering. One girl seemed to tick the boxes for a while and then it all seemed a little odd and some flags went up and I decided that she wasn't the one for me either. 

One morning I woke up and noticed that someone had replied simply saying "Hi". She had also sent me a friend request. I clicked into her page and looked at her pics and was straight away struck by this feeling that this girl was amazing. I couldn't quite describe it but she seemed very different from everyone else that had contacted me. I decided to do something that I wouldn't usually do, I accepted her request and sent her a message back saying "Hi". 

From this point we continued chatting for a while and getting to know each other better and over time we decided to go to the next step and have a video chat. That first video chat lasted about 5 hours. We talked so much about our hopes and dreams for the future, our likes and dislikes, what we wanted out of life and past relationships and what we were both searching for. During this time we discovered that we had so much in common from the music that we both liked to what we loved to drink. We had similar taste in movies, food and the same mutual respect for our fellow human beings regardless of race, colour, religion or sexual orientation.  

Before long I began to hear this voice inside me telling me that I think this is the girl that you have been waiting, hoping, wishing and praying for. Lara, was the girl that I had envisaged. It turns out that Lara was feeling similar feelings for me. Its kind of funny in a way, I remember thinking while I was listening to her, where have you been all of my life quickly followed by thinking that we have so much in common that its like i was starting to develop feelings for myself. That made me think of that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry discovers that the person that he has been looking for all his life is himself because the girl he was dating, was exactly the same as him. 

Lara and I decided that night that we were going to try and make a relationship work and make a commitment to each other. Ok, those of you with weak stomachs better not read this next paragraph because I'm going to get a little bit soppy. 

Since making this commitment to Lara my feelings for her have grown even more with each new day. Anyone who knows me or even works with me has witnessed a huge change in me, especially over the last week. Don't get me wrong, I have always tried to be a happy person but this past week, nothing and I mean nothing can take the smile off my face. Lara has been like a beacon of light in a sea of loneliness. She has picked me up me up and gave me the one thing in my life that I so desperately craved. I mean I have always had the love and support of those around me but it's not the same as having that person to share your inner most thoughts. Lara will sit there on the other end of the line and just stare at me with this intense look of interest in every word I say. 

One of my favourite things about Lara is her beautiful smile, without warning it will just envelop her beautiful face and brighten my screen and my heart just skips. When she laughs, she flicks her head back and this amazing joyous sound comes out of her mouth and all of a sudden its like she gets shy and covers her mouth with her hand and looks at me with her beautiful eyes and smiles with those. Her hair is amazing and I so want it. I maybe jealous of her hair but then she loves mine which astounds me. Every single thing about Lara is infectious.  She has so much going for her and at times I just stare back at her and say "Is this really happening or is it a dream that I'll eventually wake up from and I will be alone again". Lara reassures me that what is happening is real and that she's not going anywhere. 

Lara and I will face our challenges this is true. Any long distance relationship needs to e built on trust. Every relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don't have it in your partner, its destined to fail. In the case of long distance relationships because you're not seeing that person everyday, you have to believe that they are going to do the right thing. I have that level of trust in Lara to know that she won't break my very fragile heart. She has been hurt herself and let down by others as I have been and she understands the pain of what that feels like. On the same token, I wouldn't and couldn't do that to her either. As I said to Lara this morning (Oh, and if I seem to be saying the name Lara a lot it's because I just love saying her name. whether it's out aloud or just in my head I just love the way the letters dance together when you say it to form the word Lara) I was stuck in a loveless marriage for the last fifteen years of it and I didn't once cheat on her, so I'm sure not going to do that to someone I actually love and have feelings for. Yes, i went there, I love her and I'm not ashamed to admit it, Lara brings that much joy to my life as anyone who is around me enough can testify. 

Where is Lara exactly in the world I guess your wondering, well she lives in Nigeria. She works hard at her job as a beautician working some seriously crazy hours, not to mention the commute time. I will never complain about travelling 30mins to work when it takes Lara up to 2 1/2 hrs and at times up to 4 hours to get home each night by which time she is so tired that she can barely keep her beautiful eyes open long enough to hold a conversation but some how she pushes through it. 

On the most part, people have been very supportive of our relationship with some naturally concerned that maybe Lara's intentions may not be honourable. I had one friend who I want name ready to send her a message saying that she was really happy for us but if Lara hurt me she is someone who gets what she wants and would make her sorry. Thankfully the message wasn't sent and Lara only heard about the message from me. I decided to go around to my friends place to re-assure her that Lara was amazing and that we are both really in the same situation with the same vulnerabilities. For all I know she may have people telling her that I'm just trying to get her for her money. 

The sad thing is that some people do seek to exploit others vulnerabilities and by doing so make it harder for all those legitimate people looking for a soul mate. I have no such doubts that Lara's intentions are honourable as mine are with her. Not my style. During the course of my visit with my friend, Lara rang and after a few moments, I introduced her to my friend. By the end of the call she was telling me that she understood why I had fallen for her then jumped on line to check out flights from Nigeria to Melbourne. 

The simple fact is that Lara and I will have to face questions like this being asked of our relationship. It is not going to be easy but we are both committed to making this work. I have some amazing friends who have been and are currently in long distance relationships and they inspire me to know if you work at it, you can achieve it. The alternative, is to go back to being lonely again or worse still being with someone who's not the girl that I have developed such strong feelings for. I'm not about to lose Lara because it all gets to hard. I have always fought for things I believe in whether it be social injustice or just sticking up for a friend when they need support, that's just who I am and as a result, sometimes I do get taken advantage of. As sad as it is to admit, I'm becoming very good at reading the signs that someone is taking advantage of me and I maybe blinded by my feelings but I'm going to go on record here and say that Lara is not that person. 

In conversations with Lara, never has she ever brought up the subject of money....ever. If anyone has, its been me by admitting to her that I don't have any thanks to the debt I'm in from my marriage. In hindsight, by me saying that, that could of set off alarm bells in her head but she simply replied "It doesn't matter, don't worry". Another obstacle or challenge we will have to face is trying to keep our relationship on a low profile where Lara is concerned, sadly in Nigeria, same sex relationships are illegal and you carries a 14 year jail sentence. Someone like me, a transgender female potentially could be thrown in jail, rapped and beaten. That prospect scares the life out of me. To know that I could never travel to Lara's country to see where she grew up, went to school or even meet her friends and family actually makes me sad. The only way that we can see each other and be safe to be ourselves is if she came here to visit, so together, that is our goal. 

Lara and I have come together for a reason, whether it was God, the power of positive thinking or just fate, we are in each others lives for a reason and I look forward to making every minute of every day count with this beautiful girl. Lara, thank you so much for sending me that simple "HI" that one word has changed both of our lives forever. I look forward to a long and loving friendship, relationship and who knows whatever else the future has in store for us. The only thing that is certain is the love I have for you which is honest, respectful and all enveloping. 

During a conversation this morning, Lara blew me away yet again by sending me a song. Not only did she play it, but she sung it to me, it was the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever done for me. Yes, there was tears involved. Lara has so many amazing talents and singing is just another one to add to the ever increasing list of things that I love about her. 

Love you girl. 

It"s Always Been A Matter Of Trust.......(Part 14)

Saturday 29th December 2018

I guess you could say I have been taking a break over the last few months so I could concentrate on my day job. I have also been working on a few new ideas for posts that will be coming up over the coming weeks and months so rest assured this journey is far from over. To every that continues to send me messages of support, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will continue to enjoy these posts. To the people who have just discovered these, welcome aboard this wild ride that is my life. Please feel free to go back and checkout some of my earlier posts that you will find on my home blog page or by accessing them through my Facebook home page for the Inclusive Educator. 

Today I wanted to take you back when I was a child and take you through some events that have shaped my life into the person I am today. Please understand this may not be easy to read some of this due to some of the content involved and a some of it I havn't had the courage to speak about before to many if any people. 

I have always had an issue in my life with trust. Sometimes I trust people to easy and get hurt quite a bit as a result. Males I have also struggled to trust. I have tried in the past to trust them, but more often than not, they betray that trust. I'm not saying all males are like this because it's simply not true. Its just something I personally have a problem with because of past experience. In my life now, I have really only one male friend and he only became that way because he is married to one of my best friends. He is the reason that I still have faith in males as a species. He is an amazing husband to my friend and is a loving and supportive Dad to his children and has excepted me into his family "Village" with a huge amount of trust associated with that. 

Sadly, that wasn't always to be the case along my journey. Heading back to school, I always found it hard trying to relate to the boys in my class. As I grew up in the country, most of them all had farming backgrounds or were great at sports whether it be athletics, football or basketball. They mostly talked about cars, farm machinery or sport. None of which interested me. As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I know nothing about cars and I have no sporting ability what so ever. Sure, I tried basketball and loved it but I was more out there to force the fouls. Most games I would just get fouled off and spend the remainder of the game on the bench. I was involved in Little Athletics and never one a race, best I ever achieved was I came second last in a race and that was because the guy I was competing against had an artificial leg after he lost part of it inside a combine harvester. He was affectionately known as Plug for this reason I guess. We were doing a 400 hundred meter run and coming down the last 100 meters Plugs leg came loose from its bindings and fell off. All Plug could do was hop down towards the finishing line and it was during this time I passed him along the straight. You would have thought I had actually won the race I was that excited. 

I was once asked back in primary school, what did I want to be when I grew up. I thought for a while and came up with these three answers. I want to be a cook, an VFL Footballer or a truck driver. Two of these things had no chance of ever coming into fruition but I didn't want to sound like I was to much of a girl around all the testosterone that was around even in primary school. In reality, boys interests didn't interest me so it was more of a defence mechanism to try and not standout to much. At this stage in my life, I had pretty much put it all together in figuring out who I was. 

I was a Cub Scout when I was younger also. Along with many of the children in my class. I actually enjoyed putting on the uniform and heading off every Wednesday night (for memory) to participate in learning bush skills and helping the community. Bob a Job time was a personal favourite as I got to go out and do things to help others and get a donation for doing it. During this time it was announced that we would be having a weekend away to some place near by where we will be camping and doing some rock climbing and abseiling. This sounded like a great adventure to me although I had no idea what abseiling was but I was willing to give it a go. 

Who in their right mind, jumps off a cliff face backwards tied to a flimsy piece of rope. Oh my goodness, was I in for a rude shock. I remember standing on that rock face scared out of my shoes. I'm not sure how I completed the jump, but somehow I did and actually loved it. That night we were all in our tents. I was sitting there very proud that I had actually found the courage to do this thing when two guys from the neighbouring tent asked me if I wanted to come over to their tent for a bit. I thought, might as well because I was by myself in my tent so I headed over to their tent. I had known these two guys for quite a while now, we had attended the same school since we began our schooling life so it was a fair enough assumption that I would be ok. Sadly I was wrong, upon entering the tent, one of them tried to pull down my pants and sexually assault me while the other one sat in front laughing at me. 

I was so scared, I was trapped in a situation that I didn't even know was possible. I was extremely naive back then and had little to no knowledge of what was happening other than I knew it wasn't right. To give you an idea of exactly how naive I was back then, I actually didn't even realise that boys and girls had different body parts. Apart from girls having breasts, I didn't know there was even a difference. I just knew I preferred being around girls to guys. I remember asking my mother once "When a baby is born, how do they tell if its a boy or girl?" I was quite intrigued about it and wanted to know how this was achieved. My Mother gave me a look like Seriously followed up closely by "Go ask your Father". Can't remember if I asked him in the end, I think the look of disbelief kind of put me off the idea. 

That night I went back to my tent and lay there in my sleeping bag wondering what had happened. I was upset for allowing myself to trust these two guys who had done some pretty ordinary things in the past but I thought or hoped that they had moved on a bit. I decided never to tell anyone because I wasn't even sure what to say. So it was decided, I didn't tell the Cub leaders or my parents or anyone else. I have blocked it out till now. It was all about self preservation for me at the time, I just figured that no one would believe me anyway. 

That was probably where my distrust for males began. After that time it was just one thing after another. I had one child decided that it would be fun to humiliate me further in front of a group of friends. He decided that it would be fun to pee on me, so, without warning. He pulled it out and started peeing on my leg. This happened at my own house. Thankfully my Dad found out about this one and dealt with the situation. Again I was like confused wondering why me. 

A few years later after being tormented about my scar on my mouth from when I was born and the children at school coming up with their own version of events why it was split. Apparently I was giving oral sex to my Father and he split my mouth. I wasn't even sure what oral sex was then but leave it to the kids at my school to tell me exactly what it was. I was so disgusted and ended up telling my Aunt at first who was staying with us and then went on to tell my Dad. 

It was about this time that I discovered that the guy had been calling Dad all my life wasn't actually my Father. Apparently my biological Father dropped me off with my Mum at my Grandparents place claiming that no son of his could turn out like I was not long after bringing me home from the hospital. It turns out I had a few complications during birth including a Hair Lip which is why to this day I still bare the scare of my birth. He went onto imply that my Mother must of been with someone else to create me. With the help of my newly discovered Step-Dad, we tried to track him down to see if he was willing to see me but he refused. 

Although my relationship with my Step-Dad wasn't always smooth sailing, I had a lot of respect for him for what he has done for me over the years. He took me to countless specialist trips to Melbourne to try and help me with numerous different medical conditions that appeared over the years. The mere fact that we moved to the county in the first place was primarily so I could have a better chance at life because I had breathing issues in Melbourne. In short, he was and is the only person that I have called Dad and although I don't say it often enough, I love and respect everything he has done for me. 

On a side note, we achieved a huge milestone together on Christmas Day. My Dad after struggling to get his head around it for the last couple of years called me Sharon for the first time ever. This was a huge step because for 46 years years he has always known me as Darren (arghhhh, still hate that name) but I'm proud to say, he is getting there. It made my day so thank you Dad. It meant more than you will ever realise. 

Moving through on through school, I continued to go under the radar but at the same time I desperately craved friendships with anyone. I started to act out in class, sort of become the class joker just to get laughs but more often than not it would just wind up with me in a world of trouble. One class I never messed around in was Home Economics. My passion for cooking hadn't died and it was one of the only things in my life that brought me joy. My teacher at the time was Mrs Oldfield. She was amazing and truly an inspiration for me. She was kind with her time and always supportive and helpful. She was the kind of teacher that I hope I am today with my children. 

Eventually, it was time to move back to Melbourne as work was drying up in the country. People were leaving, businesses were closing and moving back to Melbourne was the only option for some. My respiratory system was a lot stronger now so it was all systems go. I was initially excited about heading to Melbourne. A fresh start for me at a new school would hopefully allow me to reinvent myself. Sadly that wasn't to be. The same old stuff that was happening at my old school was beginning to happen all over again. I was different and everyone sensed that and once again I became the scapegoat for anyone who felt like paying out on me. 

I found refuge once again with the girls in my class and they were supportive. The guys all had something to prove to one another. To the guys you fell under one of the following categories. You were either Gay, a Virgin, a nerd or one of them. I got classified as a Virgin. Didn't even know what that was back then but because I wore a white skivvy, that was my category. I didn't know whether to be offended or honoured. The truth is, I was but I didn't know it at the time. 

I ended up leaving school at the first opportunity I had. I went to work in a scrap metal yard which was horrific. It was my first job and it was a means to an end to get me out of the schooling system. From there I went to work for Coles as a trolley pusher. Hated that also. My real passion remained with cooking. By this stage I had collected so many cook books and begin to write my own recipes that I needed to do something to make it happened. 

I ended up getting a job at the Western Port Hotel in Hastings as a kitchen hand on the weekends. Saturday nights I would wash a mountain of dishes but on Sunday, I would go back into the kitchen and get to do some prep work with the Chefs. I loved this so much and it gave me some great experience but sadly, I didn't have a licence at the time and had to rely on my Dad to get me there but that wasn't always feasible so I left.

I ended up getting work in a restaurant in my home town as a kitchen hand. I was so excited to be working in a proper restaurant that specialised in French cuisine. To me I had made it finally. This was where my career was going to take off. Starting at the bottom I was going to learn everything I could, get my apprenticeship and become a Chef. The first Monday night I worked was very quite. Hardly anyone in the restaurant so it was a good opportunity to sample some food. First up was the garlic snails otherwise known as Escargot. I discovered then and there all about the concept of mind over matter. I put the snail in my mouth and thought this is actually quite good then my mind lost its control and thought about how when it rains, the snails come up out of the garden and sit on the footpaths and if you're not careful, pretty soon you will hear the crunching of shells under foot. It was about then during the thought process that I had to spit it out and dry desperately not to gag. I apologised to the Head Chef and he laughed it off much to my relief. A little later in the night, it had gone totally dead and we were the only two left in the kitchen. 

It was during this time that the Head Chef asked if I was with anyone. I wasn't at the time and I said no. He asked me if I was interested in anyone. I replied "Only Maddona". The truth is I loved Maddona so much. I so wanted to be her. She was everything I wish I could have been back then. Sexy, loved and wanted. 

The Chef seemed happy with this revaluation so I went onto tell him about the limited addition of Playboy that I had with Madonna in it. Now, have to explain something here. Back then, any poster, book or item of clothing that mentioned Madonna, I wanted. I even  knew people going to the Melbourne show and asked them if they would bring me back two Maddona showbags. I had pictures of her all over my walls and room. I had her albums and videos, I even took the day off one day just so I could head into Melbourne to be one of the first to see Desperately seeking Susan, Maddona's first ever movie. I was absolutely in love with her. It seemed a perfectly thing to have a copy of that edition of Playboy to add to the Maddona memorabilia. 

The Chef asked if he could see it. I told him yes and he said while its quite, do you want to get it knowing that i lived nearby. I said sure, so I set off on my bike to collect the much talked about copy of Playboy.  Upon my arrival back at the restaurant, he had a quick flick through it and placed it on the bench. He asked me to point out which were my favourite shots of her. I turned and opened up the pages to where Maddona appeared and the Chef came up behind me, took down my pants and proceeded to sexually assault me there in the kitchen of a deserted restaurant. Once again, I was scared and not knowing what to do. Had I brought this on myself by grabbing the magazine or did he just prefer young children. I wasn't even 18. Although their was no penetration, it still made me feel sick having him rub himself up against me. I was sad and confused. My dream job had turned into a nightmare. 

After he had finished he told me that he was going away for the weekend and wanted me to come along. I was worried what this would involved but also scared if I didn't go that I would loose my job and this was already my fourth since leaving school so I didn't want to go home and say that I'd lost another job. I told him that I would ask my Parents if I could go. I didn't know what else to say. As it turned out, I asked permission to go and quite rightfully they said no. Probably the first time in my life that I was happy to have a no. I went back the next day and told him i wasn't allowed to go and within the week I no longer had a job working in the hospitality field. 

I told myself there and then that I would never go back to working in kitchens again. I could never allow myself to fall into a situation like this again and leave myself open and vulnerable. It also fuelled my distrust in males. Didn't want to have to deal with another one again. I tried telling someone about this story once and it was met with a response of "Oh", like i was only telling them for shock purposes. No one makes this stuff up, its real and it happens to women all the time. Some guys think they have the right to take advantage of someone they see as weaker than them. No one has a right to treat another human being in this way. I am a strong advocate for saying no to any form of violence against women. Be it verbal, physical or emotional. I have been through all of it myself in my life and I'm willing to take a stand and tell guys that they need to do a better job. 

I started off by saying that this will not be an easy one to read and it shouldn't be given the content. We should feel very uncomfortable about Sexually assault and find a way to show the perpetrators of this that their few moments of joy can ruin someone's life and no one has that right to hold that power over you.

Sharon

Letter to the Families that has never been seen.........(Part 10.1)

Dear Parents and Families,

I wanted to take this moment to share something with you about myself. 

A lot of you may of noticed in the last 6 months that there has been some noticeable changes in my appearance. Different clothes, longer hair and the occasional appearance of make up on me. I would like to address this with you now and try to answer any questions or doubts you may have about me. For many years since I was a child, I have had a condition called gender dysphoria. Put simply, I identify as a female not a male. Due to certain situations in my life I havn’t been able to disclose this information in the past mostly out of respect for the people around me and more out of fear for the reaction I may get as a result of doing so. 

Last year, some of you may of know that my marriage of almost 20 years broke down and as a result I’m not constricted to hide in the shadows anymore. I have the opportunity to live my life as how I believe I should of for all those years and as part of that, I wanted to include you, the families of Xxxxxxx in what is about to take place. 

Over the next few months or so I will be undertaking different measures to begin my transition including HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). This is not by any means a quick fix and will take time assuming I get approval to begin this treatment in the first place. Once treatment begins you may notice some more obvious changes as time progresses including me leaving the centre as Darren and coming back as Sharon, and dressing as a female member of staff. Rest assured my level of care towards your children will never change as a result. 

The truth is, your children are the ones that have given me the strength to make changes in my life so I can be a better educator. I love my job very much and consider it an honour and a privilege to do what I do everyday and that will never change. Backed by our amazing team at Xxxxxxx I discovered strength I didn’t even know that I possessed to be able to make this dream a reality. 

The simple fact is that we the educators, children and families are a part of a community at Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx. A pretty strong community and one that i’m very proud to be part of. With that in mind, I offer full disclosure to anyone who has any questions they may want to ask me. I’m only to happy to address any questions or concerns you may have as I know this is a huge step. Xxxxxx has suggested that if there is enough questions that we maybe able to do an information night to discuss my journey with you. 

I know at the end of the day their maybe some who will have their reservations about this and I get that. For years I asked the question, why me? The truth is, why not. This world is full of people from different walks of life and that is what makes us an amazing country full of many different cultures and diversities. In our centre alone we have families and educators who attend from all round the globe, so having a transgender educator is only going to enrich our community even more. 

I’m going to finish this up now but I wanted it also to be known, that I am Christian and have a very strong faith in God. I read my bible and try and practise living a Christian life where I can. I have had it said to me before from a very good friend of mine “I don’t believe God makes mistakes.” The truth is I don’t either, God sends us tests to test our faith at times and through all of this, the years of living a life that wasn’t my own and the years of depression that went with it….My faith in God remains strong.

Thank you for taking the time to read this today and if you have any questions what so ever. please feel free to ask me as nothing is off limits. I truly won’t be offended.

Darren (Sharon) Priestley.

OK, I'm ready, Lets Make History!.....(Part 10)

Sunday 22nd July 2018

This next chapter or part of this journey, I have agonised over for the last month or so on how to write it and even if to write it at all. The reason being is that I want to protect as many people as I can from any form of negative feedback that may occur as result of my writing.  Not that I can foresee any negative feedback coming from this but a lot of people have stuck their neck out for me and supported me when it would have been so much easy to dismiss me, as my wife did for so many years, as someone with mental issues. So, I guess if I seem a little vague in places or a bit thin on content, please understand that it is for a reason. Having said that, I will try and explain as much as I can about the whole transition process as it is a very important part of this journey. 

A wise lady recently told me after hearing my story, that she didn't like me referring to my journey as my transition. I already knew who I was, it was up to every one else around me to transition. Those words have stuck with me since because she was absolutely right. I had known since the age of 11 who I was, I had imagined this point in my life for many years before and wondering if it would ever play out or was I going to be destined to live a life living locked behind my closet doors. 

From the moment that I sat down with my Director, after my Gender Psychologist appointment and had made the decision that I wanted to move forward and match the outside of my body with what I felt inside, everything all of a sudden became real. This was actually going to happen. My Director asked me how I wanted to go about it and I was like, I don't know, all I know is that I ready to make this happen. 

To my surprise, my Director had already been in contact with our governing body, the Department of Human Services (DHS) and asked them what we needed to do to stay within their guidelines. They replied by saying that they really weren't sure as I was the first educator in the Early Childhood Sector that had openly come out and had made the decision to transition. There was this moment between us in the office that day after hearing this that our centre was about to make history. They told my Director as long as I obtained a change of name or birth certificate reflecting my names, then it should be OK. 

That was exactly what I did, I eagerly sent away the form to Birth Deaths and Marriages and a few weeks later I had a brand new Birth Certificate reflecting my new name. Sharon Olivia Priestley was finally a realisation and not just an unachievable dream. As soon as I received my Birth Cert, the next step was to bring the rest of my ID up to date. Drivers Licence, Medicare, Bank Details, Lease Agreement on the unit I am living in. I can not explain the sense of joy I felt as I finally started seeing my name appear on my documents and that other name started disappearing from circulation. 

Probably a good time to explain why I chose Sharon Olivia. Sharon was always going to be my name my mother once told me if the Doctors had of told her that she had a girl. I kind of liked it, so I kept it and I thought that it was a way of connecting some part of the past to the future. Olivia is the name of one of my kids that I have had in my classroom over the years. She bonded to me pretty much straight away and became very possessive of anyone getting close to me, even her sister. She was four at the time, she's now  almost ten years old and she has learnt to share me with her Sister a bit more now a days. Both girls are like my little sisters, in fact that's how I actually introduce them now if anyone asks. The two girls and their parents have kind of adopted me as a member of their family now. Such was the impact Olivia and Maddie have  made on me over time. I could never imagine in my wildest dreams how much these two children could teach me about acceptance. 

I had told the two girls parents about what was about to happen and we decided that we needed to let the girls know before they found out through some other means. So we decided to sit the girls down together and explain to them as a family, what was about to happen. The conversation sort of went like, Mum feels like a girl inside and Dad feels like a boy inside and knows he is, as does Mum. Sometimes, people don't feel like that inside, sometimes some people look like boys but actually feel like a girl. That's what's happening to me and I want to change that so the outside matches my inside. The two girls looked at each other and said "OK". We all looked at each other for a moment and we further explained that I was going to be starting to dress more like a girl now and grow my hair out and change the way I looked. Again, Maddie and Olivia looked at each other and said "OK". With that we asked if they had any questions, which they said no and with that, they jumped off their chairs and walked away. I kind of felt instantly worried that I may loose these to beautiful kids that mean so much and have touched my heart in ways that I never felt possible but i needn't of worried. 

A few moments later the girls returned back to the table with a big box and laid it on the table. Both girls looked at each other then looked at me and I think it was Maddie who said, "We were wondering as because your becoming a girl, we wanted to give you a make over with our make-up". Even writing about this now I have tears in my eyes thinking about the love I have for these kids and how beautiful they are. As like now I felt the tears well in my eyes and I hugged them both so tightly and told them of course they could. That was the first of many make overs that I received from the girls. They gave me the full treatment. Eyes, Nails, Face, Hair, they had it covered. 

Meanwhile, back at my centre, things were moving there also. My Director had told me that she had got in contact with our Head-office and informed them about what we were doing and they reacted straight away by sending their top managers on courses to see how best to help and support me and the children during the transition process. I was blown away by this news, never had I expected to hear or feel that level of support from anyone, much less from my employer. 

My Director also told me that she had got in contact with a person from a group who specialised in helping mostly school based Educators to transition. To be honest, at this point I'd never heard of this group so I went along with it. I was given a contact number and during a break, called the number and spoke to a guy on the other end. He asked me about myself and started asking questions at the time about things I couldn't answer regarding my transition process. I told him that I was wasn't sure how to go about it and that's when he began telling me about what they did. He told me that their organisation was set up to help mostly children with the transition process in school situations and that I was the first that they had heard of in the Early Childhood Sector. I told him that we had heard a similar comment from DHS. He told me part of what they did was to help protect children from being bullied by other children as a result of coming out. 

After that conversation, I was ready to sign up. A few days later, there was like an outcry of negative stories in the media. I listened to these stories and was convinced it was just people commenting on something they had no idea about. One of my very dear friends who also has school aged children and I have known for many years  started posting all this negative material on social media   and I found myself defending them saying that they aren't about what your claiming. Their actually trying to help children and protect them from being bullied. My friend was adamant that she was right and I was wrong. Just as much as I was adamant that I was right and she was wrong. Truth be told, I almost lost her friendship over it until the day we spoke about it and I started seeing things from her perspective and why she view somethings a little different than I did.

When the decision came that we were dropping the program, I was kind of relieved to be honest. With all the negativity surrounding the group at the time, I was worried that it may come down on my centre and reflect badly upon us. The decision came from one of the very same mangers that had just come fresh from her course on how best to support the centre during the transition. They guy from the group,  wanted to conduct a meeting or an information night at the centre where I would be reading out a coming out statement and the floor would be open to questions from any concerned parents. The Manager lady from head-office said "No way, we are not going to put you in a situation where the it might turn into a pack mentality and you end up getting attacked. We want to protect you." So, at the eleventh hour, the meeting was called off and I was protected from any negativity. 

It was a crazy time in my life. While all this was going on in the background, I was continuing to keep a lid on the fact that my dream was about to become a very real reality and that my amazing centre was about to create history. I had lots of people asking me questions, I had a reporter trying to contact me for a story, which was like wow, really. Each day I would make my way around the staff and tell them about what was about to take place and that if they wanted to ask me anything at all not to hesitate. In this respect I have always wanted to be transparent because the more open I am about who I am, the easier it makes it for the next person to take that leap of faith. 

The staff were amazing when I told them. Their were some I put off telling until I really couldn't leave it to any longer. The reason being because I didn't want to do anything that offended their cultural beliefs as we were a very multi-cultural centre with educators from all around the world. When I first started at the centre, their was one lady that refused to use the same toilet as I because of her religious beliefs. Thankfully we moved past that and we respected each other more so in the end. Having said that, I was still frightened to tell her that the person that she had known for the past few years wasn't who she thought they were. I sat her down and made sure that some of the other girls were in the room so they could try to explain what I was saying if I made a mess of it. Nervously I began to speak and at the end of it she thanked me for coming and telling her in person and respecting her enough to share this news. 

As I said, I left it pretty open so anyone could ask me any question  they wanted to so they could understand better what was happening. I got all the questions that I expected like, "How long have you known?" "What does your family say?" "Are you going to grow your hair?" "What's going to be your new name?" "Are you going to get the operation?" As well as I got some questions that I didn't expect such as this one "If you become a girl, will that will mean that you will start to get the......you know, girl thing once a month?" Hmmmm, Don't know why, but I didn't see that coming. Let me try to answer that one with the benefit of hindsight. At the time I told her that it was biologically impossible because I didn't have the right plumbing for that to happen. Having been this way for a couple of years now, I'd like to revisit that answer and say yes. There are certain times of the month that i feel more emotional or moody than others and yes, chocolate helps a lot. Hormones can do some amazing things to ones body that's for sure. 

It was decided instead of the meeting, we were going to send out an information pack to all of the families to let them know what was happening and that if they had any concerns that they were welcome to discuss it with the extended management team that included a few of the managers from head office that had completed the course as well as our area manager. That offer was also open to any Educators that may feel uneasy and needed to chat about any concerns and of course it was made quite clear to me that if I felt like I was being treated any different or being disrespected by anyone, that I had a safe place to go to voice my concerns. 

In the end, I didn't need to voice any concerns at all. It was decided that finally, with the Easter break approaching that Darren would work his last day on the Thursday before Good Friday and that I would start work on Easter Tuesday. I walked into work on that first day feeling a mixture of nervous excitement. Once again I needn't of worried, I had an amazing Management team waiting to catch me if I fell and after a quick pep-talk, I walked into the room for the first time. The room fell silent for a few moments and after a what seemed like forever, one of the children finally broke the silence and asked, "Why are you wearing that?" pointing at my skirt. I crouched down beside him and told him it was because I like it. The child thought for a moment before giving me a look that said, fair enough, then he moved on and continued building a castle with some wooden blocks. 

Throughout that first day and the days following I received so many messages of support from the families, staff and management team of head-office and at centre level. I had parents coming up to me and just hugging me and saying things like "You go girl", "You are so brave" and even words like, "Thank you for teaching my child the true meaning of acceptance". 

I will never be able to thank my families, fellow Educators and of course the Management team of my amazing company for supporting me through this whole time. You exceeded all of my expectations and I will always be thankful for the amazing level of support you offered me during your Transition. 

That first Christmas was amazing. Being an Educator, it wouldn't be uncommon for me to receive Christmas gifts from the families for looking after their children for the year. I always considered that it wasn't necessary because trusting me to take care of them on their very important journey was gift enough to me. I would always get things like a box of Cadbury favourites (which I love) or a bottle or red. This year, I noticed the gifts were very different. I received so much Jewellery and a Jewellery box, Perfume, Soaps, Candles, flowers, chocolates and bottles of Moscato. Not that I needed proof, but if I was ever looking for it to tell me that I was accepted, this was it. 

On a personal level, this was also the Christmas that after 16 months after walking away from my 20 year marriage, I discovered how to love someone again with a love thats more pure than anything that I have ever felt before. But, thats another story. 

Friends are Friends Forever........(Part 7)

Sunday 17th June 2018

Friends have always been an important part of my life. In the earlier days of my life living in the country, I didn't have to many friends, so the ones I did have, I treasured. As I continued to grow up over the years, that ideal stuck. I mean, lets face it, I was never going to be one of the cool kids because honestly, I was always a bit of a  social leper. I'd be the one hiding at the back of the room trying not to be noticed and doing my best to avoid both conversation and eye contact during parties or other social situations.  I always tried to convince myself, that I didn't need anyone else, but the truth was, I desperately did. 

While I was with my wife, I struggled to maintain any type of friendship with anyone because more often than not, my wife wouldn't like my friends. Gosh, half the time she didn't even like her own friends but when it came to my friends, she always thought there was something more to it. I mostly ever had friendships with females, for obvious reasons I always felt that I could relate to them. Friendships with males were far to hard, I simply had nothing in common with them. 

Most guys talk about Cars, Sport, Beer and other Girls. On the subject of cars, I seriously don't know anything about them other than the fact I have one and occasionally it needs things like Petrol, Oil and Water. On the subject of Sport, I could fake a little that I knew what I was on about. I mean I had a football team, heck, I even bought a membership for three years for that team. Ask me to name all the players on my team, I might be lucky to name 5 of them. If you asked me about positions on the field, I'd more than likely change the subject. On the subject of beer, I liked certain beers but standing around talking about them and their various different properties confused me. Girls however, I thought I knew a bit about, considering I considered myself one of them. The problem was, male conversations about girls would always end up the same way. 

I wasn't planning on taking this Blog here when I started, but thinking about it now, I guess have a unique perspective on the subject as I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak. There has been a lot of talk over the last few days in this country about personal safety for Women and how some Men perceive them only to be here for their own pleasure. The time for victim blaming has to stop and Men need to be held accountable of their own actions. Women shouldn't have to worry about how they act in public in regards to walking around by themselves, what they are wearing or how things they say can be misinterpreted. The simple fact is that there is a certain culture in our country that gives some men the right to think that they can treat Women with a total lack of respect and as nothing more than objects to leer at and make disgusting remarks about. At times I have found myself in the middle of some horrendous conversations that I have had to walk away from because of the content being discussed. Sadly, back then I didn't have the courage to stand up and say, "You need to stop". Some Men need to take a big step back and have a long hard look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves, is this they way civilised people should be acting? I'm I setting a good example for others? How would I feel if this was someone talking about someone I cared about? The time for victim blaming is over, it's time to address the real problem and re-educate some of these cultural problems in our society.  

I say some men do this, not all of them thankfully. Some can be kind, considerate and very thoughtful at times. Some can be amazing role models for others to aspire to become. Some even become unlikely hero's to their daughters who hang onto to mostly every word that he says. I have one such male friend, the only one I have let close enough to know who I am. He is funny, he is even crazy at times but best of all, he is an amazing father to two amazing girls who love him with all their hearts. He is also an amazing husband to his awesome wife who just happens to be one of my best friends. Thankfully, he is also an amazing cook which is kind of handy for all of us. He is the kind of guy who has restored my faith in the male of the species because before he came along, lets just say they weren't rating to well in my eye's. 

I guess it's fair to say that the majority of the friendships I formed over the years were formed with other girls. My first ever best friend who remains still my longest ever continuing friendship I met while I was living in a flat in Frankston. Not much good came out of living in Frankston for me other than this amazing friendship that has stood the test of time as well as withstood my marriage. Ruth moved in to the unit underneath mine and immediately we hit it off. I'm not sure exactly why our friendship grew as quick as it did, but it just did. Maybe it was because we were both country people living in the city or maybe it was my quirky sense of humour that won her over. Whatever it was, I'm so blessed to have this amazing beautiful soul in my life. 

As our friendship grew, we would hangout so much together that we finally decided to move into a 4 bedroom house together. Ruth had the top half of the house, while I took the back two bedrooms. Ruth's Sister lived in town as well which was awesome because every so often, Ruth's Niece and Nephew's would stay over with us. We would hangout together watching movies with the kids and eating snacks or doing fun things around the house like playing games. I remember our house was either filled with laughter, singing or both. Ruth was my soul mate, she was my best friend in the whole world and I loved her to death. It was never anything else than that because it would of ruined everything we had. We had a built up a level of trust with each other to know that we had each others back if we needed it. 

Ruth was actually the one who introduced me to the Salvation Army. A whole new world opened up to me after that. For the first time in my life, I actually felt accepted somewhere. To be fair, no one knew who I was, not even Ruth at the time because I was fearful of losing our bond. Sometimes after Church on a Sunday night, we would have some of the youth group back at our place to watch movies or just to fellowship with each other. We also had a bible study group at our house which was always a highlight of our week. A little off topic, but I remember driving around with Ruth one day in her car. Now I hated Spiders, and Ruth used to make a point of telling me how funny she thought it was that whenever I saw a spider, I would grab the fly-spray and continue spraying it till it resembled something like a Christmas snowflake. Well, this one day, I dropped down the.........I want to say sunshade (the thing with the mirror in it that also blocks the sun when your driving) and out fell a Spider. I immediately started screaming Spider. Ruth pulled over to the side of the road and we both jumped out vowing never to jump back in to the Spider moved out. 

There is so many Rutha stories I could talk about because they always stay in my mind and reminded me of an amazing time in my life where I felt finally accepted by someone. The day she told me that she was moving away, almost tore me apart. For memory I think I kind of acted like a bit of spoilt brat at the time. I mean I wanted to be happy for her, she was heading off to start a new chapter in her life and all I could think about was what was I going to do. As it turned out, i was going to be ok. I still had the Salvo's and a new house mate moved in. Not long after that, I met my future wife. 

The first time Maria met Ruth was awkward. Maria was already showing signs of being over possessive but she told me that she had been hurt before and I made allowances for her behaviour. It was like Maria was searching for any reason not to like her and she would dissect every thing she said desperately looking for justification for her feelings. Then the bombshell was dropped and Maria got what she wanted. At one point during the conversation the question was put to Maria, how old was she. Maria replied and Rutha said, "Awwwwww, your still only a baby." doing her best to lighten the mood and pay her a compliment at the same time. Sadly, Maria didn't see it this way and recounted to me over the years so many times how my best friend in the world called her a baby. 

Following that encounter the mere mention of the name Ruth around Maria would send plumes of smoke out of her ears. Sadly, we lost contact for a some time and I missed so much of her life due to Maria's petty jealousy. It wasn't until Ruth's 40th birthday when I was contacted by Ruth's Niece and her Sister to surprise Ruth at her party. I was so excited to hear from them after so long and although it knew it was going to be a tough sell with Maria, I was determined to go. 

The day of the actually party had arrived and we had been in discussions about the party but Maria was adamant that she wasn't going to attend a party where the guest of honour thought she was a baby.  I think in the end, pretty much told her that was the way she was acting and I just jumped in the car without a change of clothes and began the drive to Warnambool. I think that was the start of my rebellious streak. I met up with Ruth a few more times after that in similar circumstances destined not to let the best thing in my life go away again. I think my defiance in the end payed off in the end because in a strange twist of fate, Maria actually invited Ruth to my 40th the following year. 

Ruth and I and have remain in contact off and on over the years since. I had the absolute pleasure last year of attending her wedding to an amazing guy who I know makes her both happy and complete. Ruth has two amazing girls that have learnt their Mothers compassion and kindness and are continuing on forging their own paths in life. I couldn't be prouder of these three strong amazing women. 

Rutha and my friendship was the catalyst for me to find more friendships that eventually lead me to two other girls who I became close with who became the first to know my secret which started the unstoppable move to becoming Sharon.

Waking Up A Boy

The following is a short story I wrote several years ago and although the sentiment in it is real, the actually story is fictitious. I thought it was worth sharing as it gives you an insight into how I was thinking at the time. So I hope you enjoy the following collection of feelings, thoughts and words:

I'd gone to be early last night, as i had been doing a lot lately. I had been finding myself gradually getting more tired as the day progressed, and yesterday seemed to be no exception. I'd just passed it off as getting older and that I just wasn't able to do the things that i had in the past. I slowly closed my eyes, and before i knew it, i was deep in sleep.

I'm not sure what time it was, but I awoke with a fright. I remember thinking to myself, that's strange, something doesn't feel right. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, i noticed this strange person looking back at me who i didn't recognise. I let out a little scream, thinking who is this strange person in my bathroom and why is he staring at me! Then it hit me, the man looking back at me in the mirror was me. How could this be, what happened to me, how on earth could I be a man.

I knew nothing about being a man, I had become something that made no sense to me. I knew nothing about cars and power tools. I knew nothing of drinking yourself to a point where all you want to do is bring it back up again. I hated everything that being male stood for. I can't do all that macho rubbish they do when they hangout with their mates. I can't treat girls like their opinions and dreams and hopes don't count for anything. I can't ridicule others because they may not fit the mould of what men should be.

I had always been a Girly girl. I loved life and everything that went with being female. I loved shopping for new clothes, shoes and trying them on and feeling them against my skin. I loved pampering myself by spending ages in a bath in the candle light. I loved the smell of perfume and skin lotions on my body. I love spending time doing my nails and hair just because it makes me feel good. I love getting all dressed up and being the centre of attention and knock everyone off their feet. I love spending time reading books and poetry, cooking and sometimes I even love cleaning when the radio chooses the right song as i clean. What was I to become when everything I knew and enjoyed about being a girl was taken away from me in one foul swoop. No more Cinnamon and spice. No more satin and lace, no more shoes! 

I was left feeling miserable not knowing how i was going to get by living my life as a lie from this point on. Living as something i clearly wasn't, and i hated anything that may ahead for me. Life as a male is not going to work because it's not who i want to be and in my heart of hearts, is not who i am. I closed my eyes thinking there is no other way out other than to take my life. I stumbled to the kitchen desperately fumbling around for something in the dark to do the unthinkable. 

I found a knife, I knew it well as I had used it many times before while cooking and having dinner parties with my friends. The knife was from a family member who abused me during my childhood and I kept it as a reminder of those days and to remind myself never to be downtrodden by a male ever again. I brought the knife to my wrist and just i was about to make the incision, I awoke with a start.

I was back in mybed again listening to my alarm go off telling me to get out of bed. I immediately ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, I cried and laughed with joy. I was still the girl I had always been.

Sharon

(looking forward to waking up from the dream myself someday)