Sunday 3rd June 2018
Something I have always held in high regard is the written and spoken word. I learnt from an early age that I had a flair for writing and constructing stories using just my imagination and an idea. I used this to escape to an imaginary world to get away from the pain of the real world. Sadly, when it came to real conversation with real people, I lacked confidence and at times tried to fill the gaps in the conversation with humour.
Sometimes this would work to overwhelming success and other times it would end up with me placing my foot in my mouth and completely embarrassing myself and more often than not, upsetting the person that I was conversing with. It's true that I have always considered myself a bit of social leper choosing to avoid social occasions at all costs to prevent any type of embarrassment arising. In hindsight, its amazing that I was even actually married because of how shy I was and still I am even now.
I can recall a time when I was dating one of my first serious Girlfriends and we decided to go and visit her Uncle who was sadly losing his battle with cancer. He was bedridden sadly and I remember entering his room with my then Girlfriend and straight away I was overwhelmed by the sight in front of me. In my defence, it was the first time that I'd ever had to face someone actually in this condition and I just froze. I remember my Girlfriend telling her Uncle after he had asked how was her family going that everyone had been struck down with the flu. She was explaining that her Sister had been unwell for a few days and her Mother was showing signs of coming down with it also. My Girlfriend had just finished explaining to her Uncle that she had managed to avoid it so far and suddenly without warning I suddenly jumped into the conversation for the first time with, "Yeah, we're the only health ones around here at the moment".
I remember her Uncle taking his glaze of his adoring Niece and looking up at this moron and saying "Lucky You". Instantly, I felt like trading places with this man and end my life there and then. I remember running out of his room and headed out of the back door and just broke down in tears thinking to myself, how could I be so bloody stupid. My Girlfriend came out and tried to reassure me that it was ok and that he knew that I never meant anything by it but in my eye's, it was far to late.
There are so many other moments of me placing my foot in my mouth or having awkward conversations over the years. I try and say something funny to be apart of the conversation in someway and somehow end up disgracing myself in the process. Call it a lack of education or just a lack of social skills. I'm usually the one at parties hiding in the corner trying not to be noticed.
At least with the written word there is safety in that right? I mean I can read over that then edit it before I send it to the recipient. Yeah, you would think that wouldn't you, but sadly not the case where Sharon is involved. Yesterday I managed to embarrass myself all over again through text. I'd sent a message to a new friend who really doesn't know me that well yet and in the process made a comment that, well in hindsight wasn't funny but it was more of a comparison to a situation that had happened earlier in my life. Needless to say, this wasn't the person to make this comment to and I deeply embarrassed myself in the process. The subject matter of my comment was far from funny and I should have known better considering who I am and what I stand for.
Another thing about me that most people who know me know, that if I upset someone, it upsets me greatly. I stew on it and continue to dwell on it well after the event. I'm not sure why I do this because its seriously torture and over thinking the situation is not going to change things. Hopefully my new friend has moved on and has just written it off as a silly mistake. That's all I can hope for in the end. I can't promise that I will never say a stupid insensitive word again because it never starts off that way. Its just nervous words said in haste to try and fit in with a crowd of people who I have always struggled to fit in with.
Give me Children any day, being an adult is hard work.
Sharon
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