Sunday 24th June 2018
I had become more defiant over time and found myself resenting the fact that I couldn't have a social life with anyone else other than my Wife. I had formed a bond with a couple of the girls I worked with and every so often they would invite me out to hangout with them. Most of time I had to find excuses not to knowing full well that if I went out with anyone other than Maria, my life would be misery (more so than usual) for the next few days.
Eventually, I found myself one day saying yes to going out. I had the time of my life. For the first time I felt that I could begin to breath again. We didn't do anything much in those early days, it was just going to the local Pub, hanging out after a meal and chatting about the craziest things. One of my favourite things to do as an introvert, is to observe other people. Most of these nights were spent just people watching and building stories around these complete strangers lives as we ponded what each one of them did for a living.
Occasionally, one of these people may look famous which made the job of creating a life for them so much more easier. I think these nights only had happened maybe two or three times before one night out after a few drinks I found myself confiding to one of the girls who I really was. I'm not sure why I told her other than the fact I felt I could trust her with what I was saying. It was at this point that our other friend had come over to our table and all of a sudden the table fell silent with an awkward pause. I felt like I needed to say something so she didn't think we had just been talking about her because it was just one of those sort of moments. So I repeated the story to her.
I actually returned home that night feeling like I had set something in motion that wasn't going to be easily stopped. My wife had no idea what was about to happen. To be totally honest, neither did I. I had just told two people in my life who I trusted with all my heart the biggest secret about me and it felt cleansing. For some strange reason, I got up the next day and made up an excuse to go and see my parents. Not sure what I was going to say to them at first, but felt if this was going to happen, they needed to hear it from me before anyone else.
As I was heading there, I received a call from one of my friends from the night before to ask me how I was. I told her that I felt great and that I was about to go to see my parents and tell them. She wished me good luck and hoped that it went well. I thanked her for her support and continued on my journey. Not sure why, but for some reason while I'm writing this, I think I was riding my bike there which is why I was able to stop and talk along the way.
My parents only lived 7kms away so it wasn't a long ride to get there, the trip going back was a little more difficult having to negotiate a steep climb heading home. When I finally arrived, I found my father sitting outside in his favourite spot on his sun-deck reading one of his Clive Cussler or Wilbur Smith books. I nervously sat down in the chair next to him and told him that I needed to tell him something about me.
I don't know what I expected but the reaction I got was one of positivity. I guess after being told for so many years that my family and everyone else would look upon me as a freak and reject me had me worried about what was going to happen but the reality was, apart from a few digs about how my two brothers were going to have a field day with the news and payout on me, there was nothing. From that point, we decided to tell my Mother. Now my Mother was a bit more reserved about her reaction. I remember her telling me that she knew that Maria had something over me but couldn't figure out what. I was to find out later that Mum was very concerned about my safety and how others would take the news of who I was.
Feeling positive about my decision to tell my family, I felt the next step was to tell my boss. I went into work on the Monday, went into the office and sat down ready to tell her who I was. This was no easy feat for me because I'd had had a hard enough time trying to convince people that I was a Male in childcare only to turn around now and actually say, "You know what, that's not actually who I am". My Director knew I was about to tell her something big as I was stuttering looking for the right words to convey my message effectively. She reassured me that whatever I told her that it was going to be OK. With that, I took a deep breath and dove off that cliff knowing that there was no coming back.
My biggest fear for saying anything was that I feared that if I didn't tell them first, that Maria would come to my centre and cause drama for me. By me getting in first and telling them, it left that door closed for her. After I finished telling my Director about me, she looked at me and simply said, "OK, so what do you want to do?" I told her nothing initially because I didn't know myself at that stage. I never thought that I'd have the courage to transition, so I hadn't looked any further than just moving out of the relationship, finding my own place and living a split life. Him during the day and the real me at night in the privacy of my own home.
I had already been searching for a new place and been accepted when I decided to call a family meeting with my two younger brothers. I had been dreading this moment in a way because of what my father had said was going to happen, but I knew they needed to know and once again they needed to hear it from me. When I arrived at my parents house, I discovered that the whole family was there. Brothers, Wives, Nieces and Nephews. I don't know why again, but I didn't expect that but in hindsight, it made sense that they were apart of it.
While the kids played in the playroom, I began once again telling my story. To my surprise, their was no ridicule again, just unprecedented support. My next brother down offered to get me out of the house that very night. He gave me one of his cars so I could get some of my stuff out to get me out of the situation. Secretly I think he was more worried about me changing my mind and caving into her again, which going by past history was a fair assumption on his part.
That night, I returned home to tell my Wife that I was leaving her. That I had told my family, my friends and even my work who I was and they all accepted me and that she had nothing more to hold over me. There was one person that I hadn't told and that was Maria's Mum who had lived with us for the past eight years after her Husband passed away. Maria immediately went running to her to tell her to which her reply was, "That's great news, I have some clothes I have been meaning to get rid of that maybe you would like." I laughed so hard that I think I actually cried. I hugged her Mum and whispered "Thank You".
I don't actually think I moved out to the following day in the end. The next day was a Friday and my parents were going away for a couple of weeks so I moved into their house to house sit if you like. I gathered what I could and left the house. Two weeks after that, I moved into my new unit. All of a sudden, things became all to real. I had finally got some independence, part of me was happy, the other part of me was terrified. Had I just made the biggest mistake of my life? Would anyone truly ever love me for who I am? Would Maria ever accept that this is who I am? How would the families take the news if they ever found out? What was my next step to be true to myself?
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