Tuesday 24th July 2018
There was a girl back in school in Nhill, my home town who I loved more than any other girl at the time. She was beautiful, she was popular, she was blond, blue eyed and her name was Lisa. Sadly Lisa didn't know I even existed and why would she, she was adored by everyone and the closest I ever got to being with her was at family function that we were invited to and thankfully it was a member of her family having a birthday so she kind of had to be there. For a brief moment in time, we actually danced together at this party. The world stood still for that moment and I valued every minute of that dance all through high school and still remember it fondly today.
I loved everything about Lisa. I loved the sound of her sweet voice and the way she would laugh when she spoken to anyone else but me. She had a style all of her own and I so wanted to be her. Years later I heard that she had moved to another country town and became a Dental Assistant. I found her on Facebook once and friended her. I was so happy to finally find her after all these years and to make contact with her. She didn't feel the same clearly, because not long after accepting me, she deleted me again. I don't blame her in a way, I always tried so hard to impress her and truth be told I probably sound like a blithering fool. You know when you are so awe struck by someone, you can't actually string a sentence together that makes sense. That was the effect Lisa had on me. For someone who prides themselves on being articulate, when Lisa was around, I kind of just lost the plot. She was indeed my Winnie Cooper. (Insert Wonders Years reference here).
I brought up Lisa for a reason here. I have always loved the name Lisa. If I had a daughter, I would have named her Lisa. It's just a beautiful name and for me it encapsulates all that is good and kind in the world. Chances are, if I met you in my day to day life and your name was Lisa, you would be off to an unfair advantage in the popularity stakes.
I have always known I was interested in girls, there is something about them that just captivates me. There has never been any doubt what so ever what side of the fence I was on. Girls all the way. I guess I'm over emphasising this point because to some, it's hard for them to get their head around that I identify as a woman, yet I'm attracted to women also. In fact it was one of the most frequently asked questions that I got asked. Some even just assume that I'm into men, which at times becomes a little awkward when I have to say ahhhh, no, your barking up the wrong tree.
As I have stated before, I have nothing in common with Men in any shape way or form. I just don't get them. I can't talk to them and I don't mean in a Lisa can't talk to them kind of way, I just mean I have nothing in common with them. I had to ask one of my best friends husband the other day where to put the oil in my car because I had no idea. That's not saying all women don't know where to put oil in a car, it's just saying I don't. I was so scared about buying the wrong oil for my car that I had actually put any in it for three years. I know right!!!
I'm sure I wasn't always this bad, I know where the water goes in the car, for the radiator. I even did that in my old car which was much bigger than the one I have now, and truth be told I'm pretty sure I put oil in my big car because you couldn't miss where the oil went in it because it was right on top of the engine. Oh, I have never changed a car tyre, Maria always did that. Awkward. In fact Maria did most of the traditional bloke stuff in the house. Just wasn't me, I preferred the cooking in the kitchen part was more my style. She can have the mowing and weed pulling, I wanted to create culinary masterpieces instead. On weekends I excelled at it. During the week, I passed enough to keep everyone fed and happy.
Back to Lisa, I want to continue from where I left off on part ten, talking about falling in love again for the first time since walking away from Maria and our marriage. I'm not going to use this girls real name because I know she wouldn't want that. So I will refer to her as Lisa from this point onwards. It seems somewhat appropriate the old Lisa was my first real love and the new Lisa is my first real love 16 months after my marriage ended.
This feeling took me by complete surprise. I didn't go looking for it and I certainly didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and it was a beautiful time for me because it proved to me that I was totally capable of loving someone again after the years of pain that I had lived through previous to that.
Its kind of easy to understand why I fell for this Lisa, she is a beautiful person with a heart full of sunshine that she shone on everyone that she came into contact with everyday. She is softly spoken, kind, gentle and just an amazing soul. It would be hard not to fall in love with her to be honest.
I first met Lisa a few years ago now. Our first encounter wasn't particularly memorable other than I remember thinking that she seemed nice. As I got to know her over time, she began to make an impression on me. She was married, she seemed like she was happy in her life and projected that happiness everywhere she went. She was very well liked because she always had that ability to walk into a room and light up a whole place with her smile.
As the years rolled on, things started to change for Lisa and the once happy girl that I had known found herself dealing with issues that no one should have to deal with. To her credit, she made it through and began the task of working on a new path without her partner.
It was about a year later that I started going through my dramas with my own marriage and at that point where I needed to leave. Lisa was able to give me some advice along the way which was helpful but what I really admired about her, was the way she just picked up her life and moved forward. I have never actually told her this before, but her strength that she displayed during that hard time was so inspiring to me and helped me deal with what I was about to go through myself.
All through that time in my life when I needed support, Lisa was there. I mean she wasn't in your face. She was more of the cheering you on from the side lines when you needed that extra boost to get you over the line.
Over the last 5-6 months of 2016, our friendship grew more and I began to look upon her as like a little Sister figure. I was there for her and same with her there for me when either one of us needed cheering up or extra motivation to get us through a rough patch. It was a friendship that went beyond anything that I had before.
Christmas day 2016, Lisa contacted me and asked if she could drop by my house because she had a gift for me. I was like you didn't have to do that, all the while thinking, I'm so glad you did because I had nothing else to open Christmas day as our family gets together on Boxing day for lunch, so Christmas day 2016 was going to be a very quiet day spent by myself.
Lisa dropped around and we greeted each other with the customary hug that seemed to of taken place every time we saw each other. I offered her a drink, everything seemed quite normal, we sat down and began talking about how Christmas days didn't seem the same anymore after the last year or two. I was finding Christmas Eve particular hard because Maria and I always made such a big thing of it and its not the same spending it alone.
I began telling Lisa how proud I was of her and everything that she had achieved over the last few months. I told her how much I appreciated our friendship and how much I valued her as a person. I told her that I thought she was an amazing person full of light and then it happened. I felt myself tearing up as I spoke. I was seriously getting very emotional and I was like, what on earth is going on here. Lisa had to head off somewhere for lunch so we once again hugged and said goodbye.
As soon as she left I was walking down my hallway thinking to myself, what the hell was that? I mean I'm an emotional basket case at the best of times but to actually get emotional like that over a seemingly normal conversation was like why? Then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I had develop feelings for Lisa.
I was immediately confronted with the question, how did this happen? I mean, oh my goodness, she is an amazing girl who just brightens my day anytime that I see her but I hadn't felt like this for anyone ages. I hadn't felt these sorts of feelings since I met Maria and we were first dating. I had forgotten what they felt like and they were seriously overtaking me and it felt freaking amazing.
All of a sudden I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Lisa. She entered into every conscious thought I had. "Wonder what Lisa is doing" "Wonder if she is OK." "I can't wait to see her next". I found myself waiting at times for her to come online so I could just say hello, how was your day? I would hear a song and somehow relate it back to Lisa and what I was feeling for her.
I finally plucked up the courage from somewhere to actually ask her around for dinner one night. During the many conversations we had had over time, we both discovered that Lasagna was one of our favourite things to eat. Lisa had told me that the one she made was really good and I told her that I would love to try it one day. That day came and I have to admit, it was freaking amazing and I still remember it to this day. I thought for a moment, that I maybe in a bit of trouble if I have to compete against this masterpiece, but a promise was a promise and that's what I made for us for dinner.
The night Lisa came around was amazing. We talked for ages about everything that ignited and inspired us. We had so much in common and I felt a real connection with her stronger than I had felt in years. I served her my version of the Lasagna and she thankfully told me that she thought it was amazing. We talked into the night some more until she had to leave. We agreed to meet up the following day for lunch to finish of the leftovers of the lasagna.
That lunch time, I met up with Lisa and we sat at a table with others in the room but I wouldn't have even realised because I tuned them out and focused on one thing only, Lisa's words. There could have been a crowd of people gathered around that day, but I only had eye's for Lisa.
As time went on more and more I found myself almost obsessing about her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had began consuming every one of my waking hours. When she started creeping into my dreams also, I thought I needed to do something about it. I remember waking up early one morning after dreaming about Lisa once more and decided that I needed to put my feelings down in writing and tell her how I felt. I wasn't sure how it would go but I just felt I needed to let her know what I was feeling. So I got out of bed, opened up my computer, and put what I felt into words.
I didn't actually mention her name in the piece, but felt very sure she would know who this letter or words were meant for. I posted as a note on Facebook as I did quite often when writing about my feelings and emotions. Not long after posting, I saw that she was on messenger so I sent her a message to say good morning. I then told her that she needed to read the note that I had just posted. Now some of you maybe thinking, why did I write a note? Why didn't I just tell her in person and sweep her off her feet. Well, to be honest, I was worried that I would start tearing up again and wouldn't be able to get my message across effectively so I chose to write it.
I waited for what seemed like forever for Lisa to read my note all the time feeling my heart beating in my chest so hard that I thought I would die before she got back to me with a reply. When she did get back to me her reply was not what I hoped for, but kind of expected. Lisa told me that she was very flattered and Kudos to me for having the guts to say how I felt but she didn't feel the same way in return. She was happy to remain friends but that was all.
Really, what else did I expect. She was way out of my league and I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be that lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life. She was and is younger than I am, more beautiful than mere words here can explain both inside and out and what on earth could I possibly offer her in return? Nothing.
Time went on and things became a little awkward between us for a while. I had to convince myself that I needed to come up with a solution to fix the problem that I had created. I remember telling her one day that "It's OK, I'm good again, I think it must just be the hormones screwing me around, probably nothing to worry about". Lisa seemed to accept this and was happy to move forward and put all this behind us. That would have been good if I had just stuck to the plan. I discovered that I just couldn't switch my feelings off that easy and pretend that everything was OK. These are feelings that I hadn't felt in over 20 years remember and I wasn't ready to let them go just yet.
I began finding excuses just to see her, silly excuses most of the time but reasons just to be in her presence. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to achieve. Probably trying to convince her that we could make something out of nothing if we tried but it was never going to work. I remember the first time Lisa actually snapped at me. I must of been pushing to hard or something and she quite rightfully snapped at me. I honestly almost cried then and there on the spot. I actually had to speak to a friend about it I was that devastated. "I can't believe it, Lisa actually snapped at me' I told my friend. My friend asked why? I was like, "I don't know, but she's never done that before".
I decided I needed to try and distance myself from her after that and found myself getting into online dating to try and get my mind of Lisa. I had met a few people online and one particular match was looking kind of promising. I quickly announced to the world that I was "in a relationship" on Facebook and went and told Lisa that I had moved on that I was OK again and ready to continue our friendship. She cautiously agreed and everything was fine again for a while, or so it seemed.
I kind of sabotaged any chance with anyone else because I found myself comparing them to Lisa. If a girl didn't have the "Lisa factor" as I called it, there was no point continuing on. The "Lisa factor" was defined simply as, if there was no spark like there was with Lisa on Christmas Day 2016, it just wasn't worth it. In reality, it was more that I was looking for an excuse because I knew to well that I had way to stronger feelings for Lisa and it wasn't fair on anyone to pursue another relationship till I had dealt with that.
Easter 2017 rolled around and I previous to this I had made back some ground in my regaining my friendship with Lisa. Lisa was going away for Easter with her family. I wasn't going to see her for almost a week and all of a sudden I felt lost. I fell into this deep depression where all I could think about was her again. I found post after post and related them to my situation and shared them. It got to the point where one of my best friends said to me, if you don't stop this, yo are going to loose Lisa forever.
Hearing those words was almost to much to bare. The thought of losing Lisa for good was finally the thing that shook me out of it thanks to the words of a very wise friend who doesn't always tells me what I want to hear, but tells me what I need to hear. She was dead right. I loved her to much to lose her completely so I figured if I only have her friendship, that was enough for me compared to the alliterative.
Since then we have rebuilt our friendship to a point that we are amazing friends and no that we each have each others back when the other one needs it. October last year Lisa needed a friend to support her, I dropped everything and was there by her side to help her through her tough time. November last year, I went through a tough time, Lisa in turn helped me through it.
Apart of me will always love Lisa with all my heart. The day will come sooner than I prepared for that she will find that special someone who will whisk her off her feet and be the perfect one for her and I will feel a tiny bit heartbroken. Having said that, I will also be very happy for her because I know that above all else in this world, Lisa deserves to be loved for the beautiful, amazing soul that she is. My only wish is that that person loves her as much as I do and I know she will lead a beautiful happy rich life filled with love.
Thank you so much for you patients and understanding Lisa while I went off the rails there. You are an amazing person who I love more with each new day. I know you are about to be begin a new chapter in your life and I couldn't be more happier or prouder of you. You are now and for always be my beautiful little Sister.
I finally plucked up the courage from somewhere to actually ask her around for dinner one night. During the many conversations we had had over time, we both discovered that Lasagna was one of our favourite things to eat. Lisa had told me that the one she made was really good and I told her that I would love to try it one day. That day came and I have to admit, it was freaking amazing and I still remember it to this day. I thought for a moment, that I maybe in a bit of trouble if I have to compete against this masterpiece, but a promise was a promise and that's what I made for us for dinner.
The night Lisa came around was amazing. We talked for ages about everything that ignited and inspired us. We had so much in common and I felt a real connection with her stronger than I had felt in years. I served her my version of the Lasagna and she thankfully told me that she thought it was amazing. We talked into the night some more until she had to leave. We agreed to meet up the following day for lunch to finish of the leftovers of the lasagna.
That lunch time, I met up with Lisa and we sat at a table with others in the room but I wouldn't have even realised because I tuned them out and focused on one thing only, Lisa's words. There could have been a crowd of people gathered around that day, but I only had eye's for Lisa.
As time went on more and more I found myself almost obsessing about her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had began consuming every one of my waking hours. When she started creeping into my dreams also, I thought I needed to do something about it. I remember waking up early one morning after dreaming about Lisa once more and decided that I needed to put my feelings down in writing and tell her how I felt. I wasn't sure how it would go but I just felt I needed to let her know what I was feeling. So I got out of bed, opened up my computer, and put what I felt into words.
I didn't actually mention her name in the piece, but felt very sure she would know who this letter or words were meant for. I posted as a note on Facebook as I did quite often when writing about my feelings and emotions. Not long after posting, I saw that she was on messenger so I sent her a message to say good morning. I then told her that she needed to read the note that I had just posted. Now some of you maybe thinking, why did I write a note? Why didn't I just tell her in person and sweep her off her feet. Well, to be honest, I was worried that I would start tearing up again and wouldn't be able to get my message across effectively so I chose to write it.
I waited for what seemed like forever for Lisa to read my note all the time feeling my heart beating in my chest so hard that I thought I would die before she got back to me with a reply. When she did get back to me her reply was not what I hoped for, but kind of expected. Lisa told me that she was very flattered and Kudos to me for having the guts to say how I felt but she didn't feel the same way in return. She was happy to remain friends but that was all.
Really, what else did I expect. She was way out of my league and I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be that lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life. She was and is younger than I am, more beautiful than mere words here can explain both inside and out and what on earth could I possibly offer her in return? Nothing.
Time went on and things became a little awkward between us for a while. I had to convince myself that I needed to come up with a solution to fix the problem that I had created. I remember telling her one day that "It's OK, I'm good again, I think it must just be the hormones screwing me around, probably nothing to worry about". Lisa seemed to accept this and was happy to move forward and put all this behind us. That would have been good if I had just stuck to the plan. I discovered that I just couldn't switch my feelings off that easy and pretend that everything was OK. These are feelings that I hadn't felt in over 20 years remember and I wasn't ready to let them go just yet.
I began finding excuses just to see her, silly excuses most of the time but reasons just to be in her presence. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to achieve. Probably trying to convince her that we could make something out of nothing if we tried but it was never going to work. I remember the first time Lisa actually snapped at me. I must of been pushing to hard or something and she quite rightfully snapped at me. I honestly almost cried then and there on the spot. I actually had to speak to a friend about it I was that devastated. "I can't believe it, Lisa actually snapped at me' I told my friend. My friend asked why? I was like, "I don't know, but she's never done that before".
I decided I needed to try and distance myself from her after that and found myself getting into online dating to try and get my mind of Lisa. I had met a few people online and one particular match was looking kind of promising. I quickly announced to the world that I was "in a relationship" on Facebook and went and told Lisa that I had moved on that I was OK again and ready to continue our friendship. She cautiously agreed and everything was fine again for a while, or so it seemed.
I kind of sabotaged any chance with anyone else because I found myself comparing them to Lisa. If a girl didn't have the "Lisa factor" as I called it, there was no point continuing on. The "Lisa factor" was defined simply as, if there was no spark like there was with Lisa on Christmas Day 2016, it just wasn't worth it. In reality, it was more that I was looking for an excuse because I knew to well that I had way to stronger feelings for Lisa and it wasn't fair on anyone to pursue another relationship till I had dealt with that.
Easter 2017 rolled around and I previous to this I had made back some ground in my regaining my friendship with Lisa. Lisa was going away for Easter with her family. I wasn't going to see her for almost a week and all of a sudden I felt lost. I fell into this deep depression where all I could think about was her again. I found post after post and related them to my situation and shared them. It got to the point where one of my best friends said to me, if you don't stop this, yo are going to loose Lisa forever.
Hearing those words was almost to much to bare. The thought of losing Lisa for good was finally the thing that shook me out of it thanks to the words of a very wise friend who doesn't always tells me what I want to hear, but tells me what I need to hear. She was dead right. I loved her to much to lose her completely so I figured if I only have her friendship, that was enough for me compared to the alliterative.
Since then we have rebuilt our friendship to a point that we are amazing friends and no that we each have each others back when the other one needs it. October last year Lisa needed a friend to support her, I dropped everything and was there by her side to help her through her tough time. November last year, I went through a tough time, Lisa in turn helped me through it.
Apart of me will always love Lisa with all my heart. The day will come sooner than I prepared for that she will find that special someone who will whisk her off her feet and be the perfect one for her and I will feel a tiny bit heartbroken. Having said that, I will also be very happy for her because I know that above all else in this world, Lisa deserves to be loved for the beautiful, amazing soul that she is. My only wish is that that person loves her as much as I do and I know she will lead a beautiful happy rich life filled with love.
Thank you so much for you patients and understanding Lisa while I went off the rails there. You are an amazing person who I love more with each new day. I know you are about to be begin a new chapter in your life and I couldn't be more happier or prouder of you. You are now and for always be my beautiful little Sister.
No comments:
Post a Comment