Looking for love in all the wrong places.......(Part 17)

Tuesday 8th October 2019

It's certainly been a while since the last one of these, so I thought it was time to write another one. Its not that there hasn't been a shortage of material to write about, its more that life got in the way and I simply haven't had the time to write it all down. 

I guess, I should update you all on the Lara situation. As it was the last once I wrote all the back in January. Well, things were going well for a while, when I say a while, I mean about a month, then everything just sort of vanished. Lara went missing and for all intensive purposes, fell off the face of the earth. She eventually contact me to say that she had been in hospital and had no way of contacting me. After a while, the distance between had became to great and I couldn't sustain any sort of relationship with her because I needed human contact. With Lara being in another country and with me never having a chance to visit her, I decided to call it quits. Thankfully, Lara was very understanding and we still remain friends because I think she was feeling the same. 

By the time I had finally called it quits with her, another drama had taken up all of my time and effort and to be honest, I couldn't think of anyone else at the time and focused on getting through one of the biggest challenges in my life. That will be the subject of another blog at another time when I workout how to tell that story and avoid the legalities involved. 

After I came out the other side of that drama and was able to breath again, I decided to dive back into the murky world of Internet dating. What an eye opener that is. Internet dating wasn't a thing before i was married, heck, the Internet was barely a thing when I got married. Needless to say, I made a profile and sat back after going through all the hopefuls and waited and waited. Before long I had a regular procession of strange requests from people offering me all kinds of things. Now, I don't consider myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but some of these people were making me blush with embarrassment. A friend recently asked me what it was like with Internet dating. The only way I could describe it is, you need to pull out a lot of weeds before you find a flower hidden in the garden. To which her reply was, "But I don't like gardening". Fair call, I thought. 

I was getting requests from people wanting to hook up for a regular hook up arrangement which is not me at all. I had people wanting me to join in with their partners, again not me, swipe left on that. Then I got the scammers. These disgusting people that have nothing better to do with their lives than pray on vulnerable people like myself and feed you an amazing story and luckily, I had enough red flags and alarm bells going off that I realised what was going on. One particular girl, lets call her Esther (That is her real name so be very aware) claimed that she lived in an apartment in St.Kilda and was working under contract as a petroleum engineer. At the time, I had no idea what a petroleum engineer even did (I actually still don't) so I thought that was pretty cool. She was working in Norway and would be home at the end of October. We continued chatting and more and more things were making me suspicious but at the same time I thought, that's plausible. The fact that Norway has one of the most advanced Internet coverage in the world and she couldn't make a video call was kind of plausible. I just thought she was on some platform in the middle of the ocean looking for cheap fuel to put in my car. The fact that she began saying she loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life after a few days was plausible, because lets face it, I'm a catch........lol. The fact that she was telling me that she was getting five million dollars for the contract that she was working on and wanted to share it with me and invest in property and asked me to looking for multi-million dollar properties to invest in was plausible because i have no idea what a Petroleum engineer makes. 

The thing that did start making me wonder was one weekend she asked me if I like concerts. I told her that I did and the last one I had been to was Ed Sheeran with my friend Shelby. She immediately told me that she had met Ed when she was buying a property in the U.S. I was like, that's so cool, did you get any pics with him, she went silent for a moment and then told me that she had taken a Selie with him but it was on her old phone and that she had lost it along with Ed's number. OK, that part is plausible I guess, she wouldn't be the first to lose a mobile phone, probably won't be the last also. Then she said this, "When Ed was last over here, he came and stayed at my house with his crew". She just had to push the envelope just that little bit further. From that point on, everything just started to unravel for her. I asked if I could call her one day and she agreed to it but said that she was very shy on the phone. She told me at some point during our conversation about her American/Canadian background and I asked her if she had an accent and she told me that she had been living in Australia and had lost it over the years. Imagine my surprise when she did call she had a distinctive African accent. 

From there, the lies just kept coming. at one point she told me that she was heading to China to buy some items for her company, after the purchasing was done, she was going to have a week off and fly to Australia to see me. I was like, lets see how this pans out. Sure enough, she told me that she was in China and that she was very tired from the flight. By the second day she was telling me that she was very stressed out because the prices she was quoted for had changed and she didn't have enough money to cover the cost of what she needed (You can see where this is going already right?). I replied, why don't you just ask the company to transfer more money. After a while she told me that wasn't an option and that she would have to use her credit card and they would reimburse her when she returned. The next day she continued telling me how stressful it was and that she had a friend in the industry that agreed to give her $5000 to cover the costs. Mysteriously, that fell through and the inevitable happened. She asked me to send her $5000.......hahahahahaha. She seriously was asking the wrong girl. I replied I have nowhere near that sort of money, so she told me to send her what I had. I told her that I had enough for petrol (Notice the irony her being a petroleum engineer and all) for my car and nothing else after paying my rent and other bills and buying groceries. Then she came back with when do you get paid next. If you can send me the money for a plane flight, I can come and see you and be with you. 

It was at this point I finally said, "You can stop now, that's never going to happen but nice try. I'm done." She quickly replied, what do you mean, do you think I'm making this up. I just want to be with you. I just replied stop. 

So that was the demise of Esther and for a while there I was disheartened that all I could attracted were weirdos and scammers. I did have one successful date at least, until that fell apart three days later so back I went again to the dating sights. 

Eventually I found someone who fitted everything that I had been searching for. Someone kind, considerate and has a good heart. I'm not going to mention her by name just yet, because A. I don't want to embarrass her and B. I know that most of my friends will go looking for her and stalk her page to see what she's all about. She will read this and know who she is. At this point, that's all that matters to me because its still only early days yet and I don't wont to ruin what we already have established. Yes, I'm taking a very mature approach this time because I honestly believe that this could be something amazing and I don't wont to lose it now. We had our first date this past weekend and we connected in a way that I haven't with somebody for a very long time. This weekend coming, we are having our second date and I already know it's going to be amazing with what I have planned for us both.

This part of the blog is for you babe because I know you will be reading it as you are reading all my other blogs. Thank you so much for coming into my life and shinning your light on what has been at  times a very dark place. You have given me so much in these last couple of weeks and I look forward to what the future holds for us both moving forward. At the very least, I know I have a friend for life in you if not more. So, from the bottom of my crazy heart, thank you for bringing joy to my life once more. 

And along came Lara............(Part 16)

Sunday 20th January 2019

Well, its been 19 days since my last post and so much has happened in those last 19 days that I thought I'd better bring you all up to speed. 

I started this year by making a promise to myself that I was going to close the chapter on "Lisa" once and for all. I came to this conclusion or realisation because I honestly feared losing her as one of my best friends. She was a constant part of my life and still will be for many years to come I hope but she made it very  clear that it would never be anything more than that. 

I gave "Lisa" a card at Christmas time telling her that no matter what,  I was always going to be there for her to offer her love and support whenever she needed it without the commitment. For me to be able to move forward, I needed to try and make it clear (mostly to myself) that I needed to close that chapter in order to find someone who will be that special person in my life. As writing somehow makes it official, I chose that medium to convey this message. I once was told by a former employer that if you write  down and diarise your thoughts it actually helps you to achieve your goals. I'm not sure if this is what he had in mind when he told me but I thought I'd take a leaf out of his book and give it a shot. 

From there I set myself a goal to put myself out there as much as I can but then game the confusion again about who should be my target audience if you like. I know I'm not attracted to guys as previously stated, so that was never an option. So how do I begin this search for Miss right? 

I decided to go on an on line dating site and although I had some positive feedback, none of the matches seemed to suit the person that I knew in my heart that I wanted. As I said in my last blog, I already knew the kind of girl I wanted because I had already envisaged her through my positive thinking process. Thankfully, none of the girls on the dating site fitted the criteria that I was after so I lost hope pretty quick there. 

I then decided to search Facebook for dating pages. I found one for the LGBTQI community and decided to upload some photos and add a short bio about myself. Again, there was a little bit of interest but nothing earth shattering. One girl seemed to tick the boxes for a while and then it all seemed a little odd and some flags went up and I decided that she wasn't the one for me either. 

One morning I woke up and noticed that someone had replied simply saying "Hi". She had also sent me a friend request. I clicked into her page and looked at her pics and was straight away struck by this feeling that this girl was amazing. I couldn't quite describe it but she seemed very different from everyone else that had contacted me. I decided to do something that I wouldn't usually do, I accepted her request and sent her a message back saying "Hi". 

From this point we continued chatting for a while and getting to know each other better and over time we decided to go to the next step and have a video chat. That first video chat lasted about 5 hours. We talked so much about our hopes and dreams for the future, our likes and dislikes, what we wanted out of life and past relationships and what we were both searching for. During this time we discovered that we had so much in common from the music that we both liked to what we loved to drink. We had similar taste in movies, food and the same mutual respect for our fellow human beings regardless of race, colour, religion or sexual orientation.  

Before long I began to hear this voice inside me telling me that I think this is the girl that you have been waiting, hoping, wishing and praying for. Lara, was the girl that I had envisaged. It turns out that Lara was feeling similar feelings for me. Its kind of funny in a way, I remember thinking while I was listening to her, where have you been all of my life quickly followed by thinking that we have so much in common that its like i was starting to develop feelings for myself. That made me think of that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry discovers that the person that he has been looking for all his life is himself because the girl he was dating, was exactly the same as him. 

Lara and I decided that night that we were going to try and make a relationship work and make a commitment to each other. Ok, those of you with weak stomachs better not read this next paragraph because I'm going to get a little bit soppy. 

Since making this commitment to Lara my feelings for her have grown even more with each new day. Anyone who knows me or even works with me has witnessed a huge change in me, especially over the last week. Don't get me wrong, I have always tried to be a happy person but this past week, nothing and I mean nothing can take the smile off my face. Lara has been like a beacon of light in a sea of loneliness. She has picked me up me up and gave me the one thing in my life that I so desperately craved. I mean I have always had the love and support of those around me but it's not the same as having that person to share your inner most thoughts. Lara will sit there on the other end of the line and just stare at me with this intense look of interest in every word I say. 

One of my favourite things about Lara is her beautiful smile, without warning it will just envelop her beautiful face and brighten my screen and my heart just skips. When she laughs, she flicks her head back and this amazing joyous sound comes out of her mouth and all of a sudden its like she gets shy and covers her mouth with her hand and looks at me with her beautiful eyes and smiles with those. Her hair is amazing and I so want it. I maybe jealous of her hair but then she loves mine which astounds me. Every single thing about Lara is infectious.  She has so much going for her and at times I just stare back at her and say "Is this really happening or is it a dream that I'll eventually wake up from and I will be alone again". Lara reassures me that what is happening is real and that she's not going anywhere. 

Lara and I will face our challenges this is true. Any long distance relationship needs to e built on trust. Every relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don't have it in your partner, its destined to fail. In the case of long distance relationships because you're not seeing that person everyday, you have to believe that they are going to do the right thing. I have that level of trust in Lara to know that she won't break my very fragile heart. She has been hurt herself and let down by others as I have been and she understands the pain of what that feels like. On the same token, I wouldn't and couldn't do that to her either. As I said to Lara this morning (Oh, and if I seem to be saying the name Lara a lot it's because I just love saying her name. whether it's out aloud or just in my head I just love the way the letters dance together when you say it to form the word Lara) I was stuck in a loveless marriage for the last fifteen years of it and I didn't once cheat on her, so I'm sure not going to do that to someone I actually love and have feelings for. Yes, i went there, I love her and I'm not ashamed to admit it, Lara brings that much joy to my life as anyone who is around me enough can testify. 

Where is Lara exactly in the world I guess your wondering, well she lives in Nigeria. She works hard at her job as a beautician working some seriously crazy hours, not to mention the commute time. I will never complain about travelling 30mins to work when it takes Lara up to 2 1/2 hrs and at times up to 4 hours to get home each night by which time she is so tired that she can barely keep her beautiful eyes open long enough to hold a conversation but some how she pushes through it. 

On the most part, people have been very supportive of our relationship with some naturally concerned that maybe Lara's intentions may not be honourable. I had one friend who I want name ready to send her a message saying that she was really happy for us but if Lara hurt me she is someone who gets what she wants and would make her sorry. Thankfully the message wasn't sent and Lara only heard about the message from me. I decided to go around to my friends place to re-assure her that Lara was amazing and that we are both really in the same situation with the same vulnerabilities. For all I know she may have people telling her that I'm just trying to get her for her money. 

The sad thing is that some people do seek to exploit others vulnerabilities and by doing so make it harder for all those legitimate people looking for a soul mate. I have no such doubts that Lara's intentions are honourable as mine are with her. Not my style. During the course of my visit with my friend, Lara rang and after a few moments, I introduced her to my friend. By the end of the call she was telling me that she understood why I had fallen for her then jumped on line to check out flights from Nigeria to Melbourne. 

The simple fact is that Lara and I will have to face questions like this being asked of our relationship. It is not going to be easy but we are both committed to making this work. I have some amazing friends who have been and are currently in long distance relationships and they inspire me to know if you work at it, you can achieve it. The alternative, is to go back to being lonely again or worse still being with someone who's not the girl that I have developed such strong feelings for. I'm not about to lose Lara because it all gets to hard. I have always fought for things I believe in whether it be social injustice or just sticking up for a friend when they need support, that's just who I am and as a result, sometimes I do get taken advantage of. As sad as it is to admit, I'm becoming very good at reading the signs that someone is taking advantage of me and I maybe blinded by my feelings but I'm going to go on record here and say that Lara is not that person. 

In conversations with Lara, never has she ever brought up the subject of money....ever. If anyone has, its been me by admitting to her that I don't have any thanks to the debt I'm in from my marriage. In hindsight, by me saying that, that could of set off alarm bells in her head but she simply replied "It doesn't matter, don't worry". Another obstacle or challenge we will have to face is trying to keep our relationship on a low profile where Lara is concerned, sadly in Nigeria, same sex relationships are illegal and you carries a 14 year jail sentence. Someone like me, a transgender female potentially could be thrown in jail, rapped and beaten. That prospect scares the life out of me. To know that I could never travel to Lara's country to see where she grew up, went to school or even meet her friends and family actually makes me sad. The only way that we can see each other and be safe to be ourselves is if she came here to visit, so together, that is our goal. 

Lara and I have come together for a reason, whether it was God, the power of positive thinking or just fate, we are in each others lives for a reason and I look forward to making every minute of every day count with this beautiful girl. Lara, thank you so much for sending me that simple "HI" that one word has changed both of our lives forever. I look forward to a long and loving friendship, relationship and who knows whatever else the future has in store for us. The only thing that is certain is the love I have for you which is honest, respectful and all enveloping. 

During a conversation this morning, Lara blew me away yet again by sending me a song. Not only did she play it, but she sung it to me, it was the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever done for me. Yes, there was tears involved. Lara has so many amazing talents and singing is just another one to add to the ever increasing list of things that I love about her. 

Love you girl. 

Do you know I have an Indian background, yeah, I have a lot of Indian Sisters............(Part 13)

Saturday 22nd September 2018

Well, here we are again ready to document yet another chapter in this journey of mine. Its Saturday night and I have been ready to  post this one for a while now but wanted to get the wording right in my head before committing it to immortality here in blog form. 

This part of the journey is about my final days at the centre that I called home for five and a half years. One of the hardest decisions I ever had to face in my life but a decision that as hard as it was necessary to my growth in becoming the best Educator that I could become. 

This time a year ago, I was a room leader in a Junior Kinder room. I had been appointed the room leader of the room after the previous room leaders decided to step down from the room. I had been in the Kinder room where I had followed my children up from the previous year as their room leader. As I didn't have my Bachelor In Early Education, I became an assistant to the Kinder Teacher at the time. Going from room leading to being an assistant again is difficult for most Educators and I for one struggled with the concept as I had a totally different teaching style to the appointed Kinder Teacher so when the opportunity to head back into my own room came along, I leaped at it. 

It was nice to be back in my original room where I set about making it mine once more. Once again I was getting the positive feedback from the families that I was used to and I was really enjoying working with our new Interim management team. Our centre was going through it's own transition and I remember it being an exciting time for my centre. This centre had been my home for a very long time and I honestly felt like I was apart of something special making our centre even more exciting than what it had been previous. 

In that first month I learnt so much from our interim management team about more effective programming and documentation. We had weekly room leader meetings where we shared ideas amongst other members and I remember it being a happy and positive time.  I had decided to take a couple of weeks off to re-charge a bit. I always hated having to much time away from my kids and as a rule would at some point inevitably drop by for a visit to see them during my time off. Any longer than two weeks away would send me off the deep end. 

I eventually came back to work and found myself only a few weeks later away from work again and in hospital after a gall bladder removal. The pain was horrific and I remember thinking what on earth is happening to me. The pain was on the right side of my chest so I had a good feeling that it wasn't my heart so that at least put my mind a rest a bit, and after a few tests discovered that my gall bladder was in danger of rupturing which wasn't ideal, so it was decided to remove it. 

Funny story. While I was in emergency, I was called over to the triage window and she pushed the button under the next to allow me to come through and sit in her office. The Nurse asked me about the pain and I gave her a letter from my GP requesting that I was to be admitted straight away. The Nurse went through asking me the standard questions, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would describe the pain at the moment?" Well, at this stage I would consider it a high 8-9 sort of pain. "Where abouts is the pain right now?" Well, its kind of centred around this area here, as I pointed to the area just under my right breast. She then asked me to describe the pain and I replied It hurts so much. "OK, are you on any medication at the moment?" I always dreaded this because I always struggled with the names of the medication I was on and usually did that thing where you try and give it a red hot go and wait for the Doctor/Nurse to correct you with the right answer. 

"Well I'm on Carzameeezapain for my Epilepsy" The Nurse corrects me and says "Carbamezepine", "Yeah, that one as well as Citalopram for Depression. I'm also on Astovastin." "Do you mean Atorvastatin?" "Yeah, the one for my cholesterol, and of course I'm on Hormones which is the Microgynon." The Nurse look over at me and asked "Why are you on Hormones for?" I looked back at her and I replied really. She looked at me for a few moments and said "Ohhh, I'm sorry, I thought you were taking them to help you through Menopause". all of a sudden the biggest smile spread across my face and I replied, "If I wasn't in so much pain right now, I'd walk over and give you a hug right now". I kind of got the feeling I made her day, I know she made mine. Later that day while I was having an x-ray done, the technician asked me the same questions and then added an extra question. "Before we do the x-ray, is there a chance you maybe Pregnant". Again I smiled and replied, "Not much chance but I appreciate you asking". 

I was off for three weeks recovering and finally got my clearance to go back to work with the stipulation that I couldn't lift over 5kgs. I thought that it wasn't going to be a problem so very excitedly I got ready to go back to work after being away from my kids for the last three weeks. I walked in happy and relieved to be back only to find out that because of the lifting restrictions, I wasn't able to return for my own safety. So I had to wait another 2 weeks before returning to work. I went home feeling so dejected that I couldn't even see my kids for fear they may of jumped on me and damaged me in some way. 

In total with the holiday I had and the operation recovery time I was off work for 7 weeks. When I did finally get back I felt lost, my best friend and the person I relied on being there each day to cheer me up was gone. I felt that loss so much knowing that I wasn't going to see Maida's happy smiling face greeting me each day left me feeling empty. I had been away from my kids for so long and found it hard to find my grove again. The centre was heading in a new direction with a new full time Director now and I just felt lost. So, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever had to make. I decided that maybe it was time for me to head off in a new direction myself. 

One thing worried me about the whole thing, moving to a new centre meant that I had to start all over again building those relationships and bonds with families. How would they receive me? Would they accept me or reject me? How was this going to work? 

I decided the only way to find out was to update my resume and head out and cold canvas some other centres in my local area. One of these centres was approximately 9 minutes from home and was only two years old. It was close to the local school which was great because I could pick up my girls from school after work. 

One day after returning home from work, I received a call from a very bubbly young lady called Hayley. She had left a message asking me to give her a call regarding coming for a chat. I rang her back and arranged to meet her on the Friday. I can't explain it, although my confidence was low after the last couple of months and I felt that I had lost something, I knew that I had this Job. Something was telling me not to stress, that I had this. I walked in early as always, a bit of a trait of mine. I hate being late for anything so I will be that one that arrives somewhere 30 minutes early every time. I walked in confident and introduced myself to the lady behind the counter. She explained to me that Hayley hadn't arrived as yet but shouldn't be to far away. I took a seat and waited while looking at some of the literature on offer to read through about the centre. 

It wasn't long before I met this amazing lady known to me as Hayley. She was a powerhouse of energy at the same time claiming that she wasn't a morning person. She was bright, bubbly and set me at ease straight away with her relaxed yet professional manner. Hayley asked me to take a seat beside her and we started to chat about my experience and my passion for the work I do. While I was answering her questions, Hayley was thumbing her way through my portfolio which had my Resume, Qualifications as well as some sample documentation that I had written. Hayley stopped one of the pages that contained my Diploma and all of a sudden had a puzzled look on her face. I thought I'd fill that gap by saying, yes, sadly at this point my Certificates are in my old name not my new one but if you have a look further you will see I have included my birth certificate as well which reflects my name change. She looked up at me and I said to her, you do realised I'm transgender don't you. She suddenly smiled a huge beaming smile as I waited nervously for some sort of response. Hayley told me that she hadn't realised but she was so excited and happy to meet me. 

It was about this time that the front door behind me opened up and I heard this huge gasp from behind me. I quickly turned around to see one of my parents from a few years beforehand from my old centre. She ran towards me and gave me the biggest hug and very excitedly asked if I was getting a job at the centre. I replied "Well, I'm not sure but I'm kind of in the middle of an interview here to find out". With that, my ex-parent walked straight over to Hayley, still holding me and said to her, "You have to hire this girl, she is amazing and I wouldn't trust my child to anyone else but her". With that she let go, gave me another hug, wished me good luck and headed off with her child to her room. I looked over at Hayley and smiled feeling very good about myself and re-took my position in the chair opposite Hayley. Hayley then looked over at me and said, "That went pretty well for you didn't it." I replied , "Yeah, couldn't have planned that better if I tried." 

I think that was the moment she decided that she wanted me on the team. She asked me if I was interested in doing a trial day for her at some point. I told her my whole day was free today so I would be more than happy to work the day for her. I could tell she was like wow, didn't expect that. Pretty soon I was introduced to the amazing Yolanda. Yolanda was the 2nd in charge and just the most beautiful soul that you would ever want to meet. As soon as I met her I knew I was going to get along very well with her. 

I moved around a lot that first day from room to room and each room I went into, the same thing happened. Within a few minutes, every child in the room was standing or sitting around me talking to me. I remember being in the Kinder yard at one point through that day and saw out of the corner of my eye, a group of educators lined up along the fence looking at me interacting with the children. At this stage I had them hanging off me like they had known me for years. One of the educators at the fence called to me, "Omg, look at them. They love you. They wont leave your side." another one said, " I don't get it." I asked them what they meant. "The educator told me they love you that much that there climbing all over you and you only just met them, they don't even do this to us and we have known them for ages." I couldn't help but smile and reply that "It's always been the same way, I can't explain what it is but it happens every time". 

At the end of that first day, I went back to the office satisfied that I had done the best I could do and had an awesome day in the process. I asked both Hayley and Yolanda if they had had any feedback from the staff. Hayley told me that one of the staff told her that they may need to lift there game after witnessing my interactions over the day. Hayley offered me the job then and there telling me that she had made her mind up earlier and the feedback that she was getting just sealed the deal. I was so excited.

Within that first week of working at my new centre, Hayley told me that I she wanted to put me in the Kinder room to cover the Kinder teacher who was about to go on maternity leave. The plan was that I was going to co-run the Kinder room with another educator called Mandeep. I was so excited to be back in the Kinder  room as a room leader again. The Friday before I started in the Kinder room, I went into cover the Kinder Teacher for her break. The children were sitting on the mat and Mandeep was organising Afternoon tea for the children. I walked in, sat down on the mat, introduced myself to them and just did my thing. Within minutes, they were laughing with me and telling me about themselves. I started singing silly songs with the children and basically took over. 

When the break was over and the Kinder Teacher returned back to the room which was only ten minutes in total the children were asking me to stay and begging me not to go. I only went as far as the next room which was the Junior Kinder room which adjoined the kinder room. While I was in there doing another break I heard a little voice saying "Mum, you have to come and meet Sharon, she's so funny and sings silly songs". The Mum came over to me and introduced herself as Robyn and she told me that she was told she had to come and meet me. The little girl who stood by her was smiling so much and you could tell, something special had just taken place in her life and she wasn't about to let that feeling go. I'm happy to say that although that little girl has moved onto school now with her twin brother, she still has this amazing reaction whenever she See's me. Robyn has gone on to be one of my amazing friends and a huge inspiration to me and the main reason why I started these blogs in the first place. Robyn ended up at my place one night and we were talking about what an amazingly powerful tool the Internet is for raising your profile and anyone one with a half decent idea can turn anything into something special with some work. Robyn was the one who inspired me to blog about my journey, so thank you so much Robyn for believing in me and allowing me to be apart of your families journey. 

The following day, Saturday, there was to be a working bee at the centre. As usual, I arrived to early and set to work in my new room cleaning tables and chairs before starting on cleaning the shelving.  While I was moving around the room, I was soon joined by my co-room leader Mandeep. Mandeep said good morning to me as she set to work helping me to dust and clean the shelves. This was my first chance to talk to her without having the children around. I pretty much started the conversation by apologising for taking over  the mat time from the day before. It really wasn't my intention at the time, but it just sort of happened. Mandeep told me not to worry that it was ok and it gave her a chance to organise the fruit for afternoon tea. 

Mandeep and I spent our time in the room that day getting to know each other and laying the foundations to what has became a bond that will continue on for many years to come. When I arrived at this centre, I was broken, I was lost and didn't know if I could continue doing what I love so much. Mandeep picked me up, dusted me off and re-ignited that fire in me that made me remember why I love this job so much. Mandeep is one of the most kindest and most considerate people I have ever met. Her and the rest of the girls at our end of the building adopted me as one of their own and made me feel wanted, appreciated and very loved. Over the course of those first six months working together we became like family. Mandeep quickly became not only one of my best friends but my Sister. The very first day talking to her alone in the room I was actually worried that she may not accept me or have same reservations about working with me because of who I am but she put me at ease straight away that day just by talking to me. I remember one night we had a staff meeting and I told her that there wasn't much point in me going home after work then coming back for the meeting so I'd probably stick around for the hour before the meeting started doing some things in the room. Mandeep had finished at 3:30. Did the school pick up, went home, organised her children, cooked dinner for the family and brought some to work in a container for me because she was concerned that by the time I got home after the meeting that it would be to late to eat and she didn't want me to go hungry. 

Mandeep is just a beautiful soul full of so much love and compassion for her fellow humans and nothing is an effort for her. As we worked more and more together in the room we became almost synced to each others thinking pattens. The amount of times that I would say to the Mandeep, how about we do this, Mandeep would be like, I was just thinking of doing the same or vice verso. We had so many similar ideas that it became almost like a running joke. "Of course you were thinking the same as I was because we are Sisters." We spent that whole six months laughing, thinking similar thoughts if not the same ones and teaching some amazing children who meant the world to both of us. 

The both of us were so proud working with our amazing kids and watching them work so hard to get their dance steps right that Mandeep had choreographed with the help of her daughter for the graduation concert at the end of the year. Santa Claus is coming will always hold special meaning to me now after that night and the following days for approximately 5 times a day throughout the whole month of January. 

Mandeep, I can never stress to you enough how much you helped me and saved me from making a terrible mistake like almost walking away from this amazing life experience after feeling that I had lost my way. Like a beacon in a dark night, you showed me the way again and helped me see that I still have so much to give. You accepted me whole heartily as did your amazing family. One of my proudest moments was having the opportunity of watching you become an Australian citizen. You wouldn't have seen it, but i had tears in my eyes when you received your certificate but hey, your probably not surprised knowing that I cry at most things. You invited me to your home, you showed me how to cook like an Indian, dress like an Indian and showed me how to respect others with love and compassion like the way you were taught to. 

A short 8 months later, it was time for me to make another tough decision. Do I stay and be content with only seeing you in the hallways or over the fence or do I take a huge risk and move centres once again. The centre I'm moving to is bigger, more chance for advancement yet its further away from home and I don't see you and the rest of those amazing girls who are like family to me. I still have to admit I miss you all so very much and the amazing kids and families that I had to leave behind from both centres still hold a very special place in my heart. I know that we are still connected and will always be throughout life. God puts people in our lives for a reason and he knew what he was doing when he put you Mandeep, Kamal, Priya, Preeti, Daisy, Farzana, Suzi, Arti, Garima, Aneeta, Jennifer, Almira and Steph in my life. You all hold a place in my heart and I will never forget the love and compassion that you all showed me in those 8 amazing months that we had together. 

P.s..... I Love You..........(Part 11)

Tuesday 24th July 2018

There was a girl back in school in Nhill, my home town who I loved more than any other girl at the time. She was beautiful, she was popular, she was blond, blue eyed and her name was Lisa. Sadly Lisa didn't know I even existed and why would she, she was adored by everyone and the closest I ever got to being with her was at family function that we were invited to and thankfully it was a member of her family having a birthday so she kind of had to be there. For a brief moment in time, we actually danced together at this party. The world stood still for that moment and I valued every minute of that dance all through high school and still remember it fondly today.

I loved everything about Lisa. I loved the sound of her sweet voice and the way she would laugh when she spoken to anyone else but me. She had a style all of her own and I so wanted to be her. Years later I heard that she had moved to another country town and became a Dental Assistant. I found her on Facebook once and friended her. I was so happy to finally find her after all these years and to make contact with her. She didn't feel the same clearly, because not long after accepting me, she deleted me again. I don't blame her in a way, I always tried so hard to impress her and truth be told I probably sound like a blithering fool. You know when you are so awe struck by someone, you can't actually string a sentence together that makes sense. That was the effect Lisa had on me. For someone who prides themselves on being articulate, when Lisa was around, I kind of just lost the plot. She was indeed my Winnie Cooper. (Insert Wonders Years reference here). 

I brought up Lisa for a reason here. I have always loved the name Lisa. If I had a daughter, I would have named her Lisa. It's just a beautiful name and for me it encapsulates all that is good and kind in the world. Chances are, if I met you in my day to day life and your name was Lisa, you would be off to an unfair advantage in the popularity stakes. 

I have always known I was interested in girls, there is something about them that just captivates me. There has never been any doubt what so ever what side of the fence I was on. Girls all the way. I guess I'm over emphasising this point because to some, it's hard for them to get their head around that I identify as a woman, yet I'm attracted to women also. In fact it was one of the most frequently asked questions that I got asked. Some even just assume that I'm into men, which at times becomes a little awkward when I have to say ahhhh, no, your barking up the wrong tree. 

As I have stated before, I have nothing in common with Men in any shape way or form. I just don't get them. I can't talk to them and I don't mean in a Lisa can't talk to them kind of way, I just mean I have nothing in common with them. I had to ask one of my best friends husband the other day where to put the oil in my car because I had no idea. That's not saying all women don't know where to put oil in a car, it's just saying I don't. I was so scared about buying the wrong oil for my car that I had actually put any in it for three years. I know right!!! 

I'm sure I wasn't always this bad, I know where the water goes in the car, for the radiator. I even did that in my old car which was much bigger than the one I have now, and truth be told I'm pretty sure I put oil in my big car because you couldn't miss where the oil went in it because it was right on top of the engine. Oh, I have never changed a car tyre, Maria always did that. Awkward. In fact Maria did most of the traditional bloke stuff in the house. Just wasn't me, I preferred the cooking in the kitchen part was more my style. She can have the mowing and weed pulling, I wanted to create culinary masterpieces instead. On weekends I excelled at it. During the week, I passed enough to keep everyone fed and happy. 

Back to Lisa, I want to continue from where I left off on part ten, talking about falling in love again for the first time since walking away from Maria and our marriage. I'm not going to use this girls real name because I know she wouldn't want that. So I will refer to her as Lisa from this point onwards. It seems somewhat appropriate the old Lisa was my first real love and the new Lisa is my first real love 16 months after my marriage ended. 

This feeling took me by complete surprise. I didn't go looking for it and I certainly didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and it was a beautiful time for me because it proved to me that I was totally capable of loving someone again after the years of pain that I had lived through previous to that. 

Its kind of easy to understand why I fell for this Lisa, she is a  beautiful person with a heart full of sunshine that she shone on everyone that she came into contact with everyday. She is softly spoken, kind, gentle and just an amazing soul. It would be hard not to fall in love with her to be honest. 

I first met Lisa a few years ago now. Our first encounter wasn't particularly memorable other than I remember thinking that she seemed nice. As I got to know her over time, she began to make an impression on me. She was married, she seemed like she was happy in her life and projected that happiness everywhere she went. She was very well liked because she always had that ability to walk into a room and light up a whole place with her smile. 

As the years rolled on, things started to change for Lisa and the once happy girl that I had known found herself dealing with issues that no one should have to deal with. To her credit, she made it through and began the task of working on a new path without her partner.  

It was about a year later that I started going through my dramas with my own marriage and at that point where I needed to leave. Lisa was able to give me some advice along the way which was helpful but what I really admired about her, was the way she just picked up her life and moved forward. I have never actually told her this before, but her strength that she displayed during that hard time was so inspiring to me and helped me deal with what  I was about to go through myself. 

All through that time in my life when I needed support, Lisa was there. I mean she wasn't in your face. She was more of the cheering you on from the side lines when you needed that extra boost to get you over the line. 

Over the last 5-6 months of 2016, our friendship grew more and I began to look upon her as like a little Sister figure. I was there for her and same with her there for me when either one of us needed cheering up or extra motivation to get us through a rough patch. It was a friendship that went beyond anything that I had before. 

Christmas day 2016, Lisa contacted me and asked if she could drop by my house because she had a gift for me. I was like you didn't have to do that, all the while thinking, I'm so glad you did because I had nothing else to open Christmas day as our family gets together on Boxing day for lunch, so Christmas day 2016 was going to be a very quiet day spent by myself. 

Lisa dropped around and we greeted each other with the customary hug that seemed to of taken place every time we saw each other. I offered her a drink, everything seemed quite normal, we sat down and began talking about how Christmas days didn't seem the same anymore after the last year or two. I was finding Christmas Eve particular hard because Maria and I always made such a big thing of it and its not the same spending it alone. 

I began telling Lisa how proud I was of her and everything that she had achieved over the last few months. I told her how much I appreciated our friendship and how much I valued her as a person. I told her that I thought she was an amazing person full of light and then it happened. I felt myself tearing up as I spoke. I was seriously getting very emotional and I was like, what on earth is going on here. Lisa had to head off somewhere for lunch so we once again hugged and said goodbye. 

As soon as she left I was walking down my hallway thinking to myself, what the hell was that? I mean I'm an emotional basket case at the best of times but to actually get emotional like that over a seemingly normal conversation was like why? Then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I had develop feelings for Lisa. 

I was immediately confronted with the question, how did this happen? I mean, oh my goodness, she is an amazing girl who just brightens my day anytime that I see her but I hadn't felt like this for anyone ages. I hadn't felt these sorts of feelings since I met Maria and we were first dating. I had forgotten what they felt like and they were seriously overtaking me and it felt freaking amazing. 

All of a sudden I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Lisa. She entered into every conscious thought I had. "Wonder what Lisa is doing" "Wonder if she is OK." "I can't wait to see her next".  I found myself waiting at times for her to come online so I could just say hello, how was your day? I would hear a song and somehow relate it back to Lisa and what I was feeling for her. 

I finally plucked up the courage from somewhere to actually ask her around for dinner one night. During the many conversations we had had over time, we both discovered that Lasagna was one of our favourite things to eat. Lisa had told me that the one she made was really good and I told her that I would love to try it one day. That day came and I have to admit, it was freaking amazing and I still remember it to this day. I thought for a moment, that I maybe in a bit of trouble if I have to compete against this masterpiece, but a promise was a promise and that's what I made for us for dinner. 

The night Lisa came around was amazing. We talked for ages about everything that ignited and inspired us. We had so much in common and I felt a real connection with her stronger than I had felt in years. I served her my version of the Lasagna and she thankfully told me that she thought it was amazing. We talked into the night some more until she had to leave. We agreed to meet up the following day for lunch to finish of the leftovers of the lasagna. 

That lunch time, I met up with Lisa and we sat at a table with others in the room but I wouldn't have even realised because I tuned them out and focused on one thing only, Lisa's words. There could have been a crowd of people gathered around that day, but I only had eye's for Lisa. 

As time went on more and more I found myself almost obsessing about her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had began consuming every one of my waking hours. When she started creeping into my dreams also, I thought I needed to do something about it. I remember waking up early one morning after dreaming about Lisa once more and decided that I needed to put my feelings down in writing and tell her how I felt. I wasn't sure how it would go but I just felt I needed to let her know what I was feeling. So I got out of bed, opened up my computer, and put what I felt into words. 

I didn't actually mention her name in the piece, but felt very sure she would know who this letter or words were meant for. I posted as a note on Facebook as I did quite often when writing about my feelings and emotions. Not long after posting, I saw that she was on messenger so I sent her a message to say good morning. I then told her that she needed to read the note that I had just posted. Now some of you maybe thinking, why did I write a note? Why didn't I just tell her in person and sweep her off her feet. Well, to be honest, I was worried that I would start tearing up again and wouldn't be able to get my message across effectively so I chose to write it. 

I waited for what seemed like forever for Lisa to read my note all the time feeling my heart beating in my chest so hard that I thought I would die before she got back to me with a reply. When she did get back to me her reply was not what I hoped for, but kind of expected. Lisa told me that she was very flattered and Kudos to me for having the guts to say how I felt but she didn't feel the same way in return. She was happy to remain friends but that was all. 

Really, what else did I expect. She was way out of my league and I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be that lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life. She was and is younger than I am, more beautiful than mere words here can explain both inside and out and what on earth could I possibly offer her in return? Nothing. 

Time went on and things became a little awkward between us for a while. I had to convince myself that I needed to come up with a solution to fix the problem that I had created. I remember telling her one day that "It's OK, I'm good again, I think it must just be the hormones screwing me around, probably nothing to worry about". Lisa seemed to accept this and was happy to move forward and put all this behind us. That would have been good if I had just stuck to the plan. I discovered that I just couldn't switch my feelings off that easy and pretend that everything was OK. These are feelings that I hadn't felt in over 20 years remember and I wasn't ready to let them go just yet. 

I began finding excuses just to see her, silly excuses most of the time but reasons just to be in her presence. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to achieve. Probably trying to convince her that we could make something out of nothing if we tried but it was never going to work. I remember the first time Lisa actually snapped at me. I must of been pushing to hard or something and she quite rightfully snapped at me. I honestly almost cried then and there on the spot. I actually had to speak to a friend about it I was that devastated. "I can't believe it, Lisa actually snapped at me' I told my friend. My friend asked why? I was like, "I don't know, but she's never done that before". 

I decided I needed to try and distance myself from her after that and found myself getting into online dating to try and get my mind of Lisa. I had met a few people online and one particular match was looking kind of promising. I quickly announced to the world that I was "in a relationship" on Facebook and went and told Lisa that I had moved on that I was OK again and ready to continue our friendship. She cautiously agreed and everything was fine again for a while, or so it seemed. 

I kind of sabotaged any chance with anyone else because I found myself comparing them to Lisa. If a girl didn't have the "Lisa factor" as I called it, there was no point continuing on. The "Lisa factor" was defined simply as, if there was no spark like there was with Lisa on Christmas Day 2016, it just wasn't worth it. In reality, it was more that I was looking for an excuse because I knew to well that I had way to stronger feelings for Lisa and it wasn't fair on anyone to pursue another relationship till I had dealt with that.

Easter 2017 rolled around and I previous to this I had made back some ground in my regaining my friendship with Lisa. Lisa was going away for Easter with her family. I wasn't going to see her for almost a week and all of a sudden I felt lost. I fell into this deep depression where all I could think about was her again. I found post after post and related them to my situation and shared them. It got to the point where one of my best friends said to me, if you don't stop this, yo are going to loose Lisa forever. 

Hearing those words was almost to much to bare. The thought of losing Lisa for good was finally the thing that shook me out of it thanks to the words of a very wise friend who doesn't always tells me what I want to hear, but tells me what I need to hear. She was dead right. I loved her to much to lose her completely so I figured if I only have her friendship, that was enough for me compared to the alliterative. 

Since then we have rebuilt our friendship to a point that we are amazing friends and no that we each have each others back when the other one needs it. October last year Lisa needed a friend to support her, I dropped everything and was there by her side to help her through her tough time. November last year, I went through a tough time, Lisa in turn helped me through it. 

Apart of me will always love Lisa with all my heart. The day will come sooner than I prepared for that she will find that special someone who will whisk her off her feet and be the perfect one for her and I will feel a tiny bit heartbroken. Having said that, I will also be very happy for her because I know that above all else in this world, Lisa deserves to be loved for the beautiful, amazing soul that she is. My only wish is that that person loves her as much as I do and I know she will lead a beautiful happy rich life filled with  love. 

Thank you so much for you patients and understanding Lisa while I went off the rails there. You are an amazing person who I love more with each new day. I know you are about to be begin a new chapter in your life and I couldn't be more happier or prouder of you. You are now and for always be my beautiful little Sister. 

Friends are Friends Forever........(Part 7)

Sunday 17th June 2018

Friends have always been an important part of my life. In the earlier days of my life living in the country, I didn't have to many friends, so the ones I did have, I treasured. As I continued to grow up over the years, that ideal stuck. I mean, lets face it, I was never going to be one of the cool kids because honestly, I was always a bit of a  social leper. I'd be the one hiding at the back of the room trying not to be noticed and doing my best to avoid both conversation and eye contact during parties or other social situations.  I always tried to convince myself, that I didn't need anyone else, but the truth was, I desperately did. 

While I was with my wife, I struggled to maintain any type of friendship with anyone because more often than not, my wife wouldn't like my friends. Gosh, half the time she didn't even like her own friends but when it came to my friends, she always thought there was something more to it. I mostly ever had friendships with females, for obvious reasons I always felt that I could relate to them. Friendships with males were far to hard, I simply had nothing in common with them. 

Most guys talk about Cars, Sport, Beer and other Girls. On the subject of cars, I seriously don't know anything about them other than the fact I have one and occasionally it needs things like Petrol, Oil and Water. On the subject of Sport, I could fake a little that I knew what I was on about. I mean I had a football team, heck, I even bought a membership for three years for that team. Ask me to name all the players on my team, I might be lucky to name 5 of them. If you asked me about positions on the field, I'd more than likely change the subject. On the subject of beer, I liked certain beers but standing around talking about them and their various different properties confused me. Girls however, I thought I knew a bit about, considering I considered myself one of them. The problem was, male conversations about girls would always end up the same way. 

I wasn't planning on taking this Blog here when I started, but thinking about it now, I guess have a unique perspective on the subject as I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak. There has been a lot of talk over the last few days in this country about personal safety for Women and how some Men perceive them only to be here for their own pleasure. The time for victim blaming has to stop and Men need to be held accountable of their own actions. Women shouldn't have to worry about how they act in public in regards to walking around by themselves, what they are wearing or how things they say can be misinterpreted. The simple fact is that there is a certain culture in our country that gives some men the right to think that they can treat Women with a total lack of respect and as nothing more than objects to leer at and make disgusting remarks about. At times I have found myself in the middle of some horrendous conversations that I have had to walk away from because of the content being discussed. Sadly, back then I didn't have the courage to stand up and say, "You need to stop". Some Men need to take a big step back and have a long hard look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves, is this they way civilised people should be acting? I'm I setting a good example for others? How would I feel if this was someone talking about someone I cared about? The time for victim blaming is over, it's time to address the real problem and re-educate some of these cultural problems in our society.  

I say some men do this, not all of them thankfully. Some can be kind, considerate and very thoughtful at times. Some can be amazing role models for others to aspire to become. Some even become unlikely hero's to their daughters who hang onto to mostly every word that he says. I have one such male friend, the only one I have let close enough to know who I am. He is funny, he is even crazy at times but best of all, he is an amazing father to two amazing girls who love him with all their hearts. He is also an amazing husband to his awesome wife who just happens to be one of my best friends. Thankfully, he is also an amazing cook which is kind of handy for all of us. He is the kind of guy who has restored my faith in the male of the species because before he came along, lets just say they weren't rating to well in my eye's. 

I guess it's fair to say that the majority of the friendships I formed over the years were formed with other girls. My first ever best friend who remains still my longest ever continuing friendship I met while I was living in a flat in Frankston. Not much good came out of living in Frankston for me other than this amazing friendship that has stood the test of time as well as withstood my marriage. Ruth moved in to the unit underneath mine and immediately we hit it off. I'm not sure exactly why our friendship grew as quick as it did, but it just did. Maybe it was because we were both country people living in the city or maybe it was my quirky sense of humour that won her over. Whatever it was, I'm so blessed to have this amazing beautiful soul in my life. 

As our friendship grew, we would hangout so much together that we finally decided to move into a 4 bedroom house together. Ruth had the top half of the house, while I took the back two bedrooms. Ruth's Sister lived in town as well which was awesome because every so often, Ruth's Niece and Nephew's would stay over with us. We would hangout together watching movies with the kids and eating snacks or doing fun things around the house like playing games. I remember our house was either filled with laughter, singing or both. Ruth was my soul mate, she was my best friend in the whole world and I loved her to death. It was never anything else than that because it would of ruined everything we had. We had a built up a level of trust with each other to know that we had each others back if we needed it. 

Ruth was actually the one who introduced me to the Salvation Army. A whole new world opened up to me after that. For the first time in my life, I actually felt accepted somewhere. To be fair, no one knew who I was, not even Ruth at the time because I was fearful of losing our bond. Sometimes after Church on a Sunday night, we would have some of the youth group back at our place to watch movies or just to fellowship with each other. We also had a bible study group at our house which was always a highlight of our week. A little off topic, but I remember driving around with Ruth one day in her car. Now I hated Spiders, and Ruth used to make a point of telling me how funny she thought it was that whenever I saw a spider, I would grab the fly-spray and continue spraying it till it resembled something like a Christmas snowflake. Well, this one day, I dropped down the.........I want to say sunshade (the thing with the mirror in it that also blocks the sun when your driving) and out fell a Spider. I immediately started screaming Spider. Ruth pulled over to the side of the road and we both jumped out vowing never to jump back in to the Spider moved out. 

There is so many Rutha stories I could talk about because they always stay in my mind and reminded me of an amazing time in my life where I felt finally accepted by someone. The day she told me that she was moving away, almost tore me apart. For memory I think I kind of acted like a bit of spoilt brat at the time. I mean I wanted to be happy for her, she was heading off to start a new chapter in her life and all I could think about was what was I going to do. As it turned out, i was going to be ok. I still had the Salvo's and a new house mate moved in. Not long after that, I met my future wife. 

The first time Maria met Ruth was awkward. Maria was already showing signs of being over possessive but she told me that she had been hurt before and I made allowances for her behaviour. It was like Maria was searching for any reason not to like her and she would dissect every thing she said desperately looking for justification for her feelings. Then the bombshell was dropped and Maria got what she wanted. At one point during the conversation the question was put to Maria, how old was she. Maria replied and Rutha said, "Awwwwww, your still only a baby." doing her best to lighten the mood and pay her a compliment at the same time. Sadly, Maria didn't see it this way and recounted to me over the years so many times how my best friend in the world called her a baby. 

Following that encounter the mere mention of the name Ruth around Maria would send plumes of smoke out of her ears. Sadly, we lost contact for a some time and I missed so much of her life due to Maria's petty jealousy. It wasn't until Ruth's 40th birthday when I was contacted by Ruth's Niece and her Sister to surprise Ruth at her party. I was so excited to hear from them after so long and although it knew it was going to be a tough sell with Maria, I was determined to go. 

The day of the actually party had arrived and we had been in discussions about the party but Maria was adamant that she wasn't going to attend a party where the guest of honour thought she was a baby.  I think in the end, pretty much told her that was the way she was acting and I just jumped in the car without a change of clothes and began the drive to Warnambool. I think that was the start of my rebellious streak. I met up with Ruth a few more times after that in similar circumstances destined not to let the best thing in my life go away again. I think my defiance in the end payed off in the end because in a strange twist of fate, Maria actually invited Ruth to my 40th the following year. 

Ruth and I and have remain in contact off and on over the years since. I had the absolute pleasure last year of attending her wedding to an amazing guy who I know makes her both happy and complete. Ruth has two amazing girls that have learnt their Mothers compassion and kindness and are continuing on forging their own paths in life. I couldn't be prouder of these three strong amazing women. 

Rutha and my friendship was the catalyst for me to find more friendships that eventually lead me to two other girls who I became close with who became the first to know my secret which started the unstoppable move to becoming Sharon.