Sunday 20th January 2019
Well, its been 19 days since my last post and so much has happened in those last 19 days that I thought I'd better bring you all up to speed.
I started this year by making a promise to myself that I was going to close the chapter on "Lisa" once and for all. I came to this conclusion or realisation because I honestly feared losing her as one of my best friends. She was a constant part of my life and still will be for many years to come I hope but she made it very clear that it would never be anything more than that.
I gave "Lisa" a card at Christmas time telling her that no matter what, I was always going to be there for her to offer her love and support whenever she needed it without the commitment. For me to be able to move forward, I needed to try and make it clear (mostly to myself) that I needed to close that chapter in order to find someone who will be that special person in my life. As writing somehow makes it official, I chose that medium to convey this message. I once was told by a former employer that if you write down and diarise your thoughts it actually helps you to achieve your goals. I'm not sure if this is what he had in mind when he told me but I thought I'd take a leaf out of his book and give it a shot.
From there I set myself a goal to put myself out there as much as I can but then game the confusion again about who should be my target audience if you like. I know I'm not attracted to guys as previously stated, so that was never an option. So how do I begin this search for Miss right?
I decided to go on an on line dating site and although I had some positive feedback, none of the matches seemed to suit the person that I knew in my heart that I wanted. As I said in my last blog, I already knew the kind of girl I wanted because I had already envisaged her through my positive thinking process. Thankfully, none of the girls on the dating site fitted the criteria that I was after so I lost hope pretty quick there.
I then decided to search Facebook for dating pages. I found one for the LGBTQI community and decided to upload some photos and add a short bio about myself. Again, there was a little bit of interest but nothing earth shattering. One girl seemed to tick the boxes for a while and then it all seemed a little odd and some flags went up and I decided that she wasn't the one for me either.
One morning I woke up and noticed that someone had replied simply saying "Hi". She had also sent me a friend request. I clicked into her page and looked at her pics and was straight away struck by this feeling that this girl was amazing. I couldn't quite describe it but she seemed very different from everyone else that had contacted me. I decided to do something that I wouldn't usually do, I accepted her request and sent her a message back saying "Hi".
From this point we continued chatting for a while and getting to know each other better and over time we decided to go to the next step and have a video chat. That first video chat lasted about 5 hours. We talked so much about our hopes and dreams for the future, our likes and dislikes, what we wanted out of life and past relationships and what we were both searching for. During this time we discovered that we had so much in common from the music that we both liked to what we loved to drink. We had similar taste in movies, food and the same mutual respect for our fellow human beings regardless of race, colour, religion or sexual orientation.
Before long I began to hear this voice inside me telling me that I think this is the girl that you have been waiting, hoping, wishing and praying for. Lara, was the girl that I had envisaged. It turns out that Lara was feeling similar feelings for me. Its kind of funny in a way, I remember thinking while I was listening to her, where have you been all of my life quickly followed by thinking that we have so much in common that its like i was starting to develop feelings for myself. That made me think of that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry discovers that the person that he has been looking for all his life is himself because the girl he was dating, was exactly the same as him.
Lara and I decided that night that we were going to try and make a relationship work and make a commitment to each other. Ok, those of you with weak stomachs better not read this next paragraph because I'm going to get a little bit soppy.
Since making this commitment to Lara my feelings for her have grown even more with each new day. Anyone who knows me or even works with me has witnessed a huge change in me, especially over the last week. Don't get me wrong, I have always tried to be a happy person but this past week, nothing and I mean nothing can take the smile off my face. Lara has been like a beacon of light in a sea of loneliness. She has picked me up me up and gave me the one thing in my life that I so desperately craved. I mean I have always had the love and support of those around me but it's not the same as having that person to share your inner most thoughts. Lara will sit there on the other end of the line and just stare at me with this intense look of interest in every word I say.
One of my favourite things about Lara is her beautiful smile, without warning it will just envelop her beautiful face and brighten my screen and my heart just skips. When she laughs, she flicks her head back and this amazing joyous sound comes out of her mouth and all of a sudden its like she gets shy and covers her mouth with her hand and looks at me with her beautiful eyes and smiles with those. Her hair is amazing and I so want it. I maybe jealous of her hair but then she loves mine which astounds me. Every single thing about Lara is infectious. She has so much going for her and at times I just stare back at her and say "Is this really happening or is it a dream that I'll eventually wake up from and I will be alone again". Lara reassures me that what is happening is real and that she's not going anywhere.
Lara and I will face our challenges this is true. Any long distance relationship needs to e built on trust. Every relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don't have it in your partner, its destined to fail. In the case of long distance relationships because you're not seeing that person everyday, you have to believe that they are going to do the right thing. I have that level of trust in Lara to know that she won't break my very fragile heart. She has been hurt herself and let down by others as I have been and she understands the pain of what that feels like. On the same token, I wouldn't and couldn't do that to her either. As I said to Lara this morning (Oh, and if I seem to be saying the name Lara a lot it's because I just love saying her name. whether it's out aloud or just in my head I just love the way the letters dance together when you say it to form the word Lara) I was stuck in a loveless marriage for the last fifteen years of it and I didn't once cheat on her, so I'm sure not going to do that to someone I actually love and have feelings for. Yes, i went there, I love her and I'm not ashamed to admit it, Lara brings that much joy to my life as anyone who is around me enough can testify.
Where is Lara exactly in the world I guess your wondering, well she lives in Nigeria. She works hard at her job as a beautician working some seriously crazy hours, not to mention the commute time. I will never complain about travelling 30mins to work when it takes Lara up to 2 1/2 hrs and at times up to 4 hours to get home each night by which time she is so tired that she can barely keep her beautiful eyes open long enough to hold a conversation but some how she pushes through it.
On the most part, people have been very supportive of our relationship with some naturally concerned that maybe Lara's intentions may not be honourable. I had one friend who I want name ready to send her a message saying that she was really happy for us but if Lara hurt me she is someone who gets what she wants and would make her sorry. Thankfully the message wasn't sent and Lara only heard about the message from me. I decided to go around to my friends place to re-assure her that Lara was amazing and that we are both really in the same situation with the same vulnerabilities. For all I know she may have people telling her that I'm just trying to get her for her money.
The sad thing is that some people do seek to exploit others vulnerabilities and by doing so make it harder for all those legitimate people looking for a soul mate. I have no such doubts that Lara's intentions are honourable as mine are with her. Not my style. During the course of my visit with my friend, Lara rang and after a few moments, I introduced her to my friend. By the end of the call she was telling me that she understood why I had fallen for her then jumped on line to check out flights from Nigeria to Melbourne.
The simple fact is that Lara and I will have to face questions like this being asked of our relationship. It is not going to be easy but we are both committed to making this work. I have some amazing friends who have been and are currently in long distance relationships and they inspire me to know if you work at it, you can achieve it. The alternative, is to go back to being lonely again or worse still being with someone who's not the girl that I have developed such strong feelings for. I'm not about to lose Lara because it all gets to hard. I have always fought for things I believe in whether it be social injustice or just sticking up for a friend when they need support, that's just who I am and as a result, sometimes I do get taken advantage of. As sad as it is to admit, I'm becoming very good at reading the signs that someone is taking advantage of me and I maybe blinded by my feelings but I'm going to go on record here and say that Lara is not that person.
In conversations with Lara, never has she ever brought up the subject of money....ever. If anyone has, its been me by admitting to her that I don't have any thanks to the debt I'm in from my marriage. In hindsight, by me saying that, that could of set off alarm bells in her head but she simply replied "It doesn't matter, don't worry". Another obstacle or challenge we will have to face is trying to keep our relationship on a low profile where Lara is concerned, sadly in Nigeria, same sex relationships are illegal and you carries a 14 year jail sentence. Someone like me, a transgender female potentially could be thrown in jail, rapped and beaten. That prospect scares the life out of me. To know that I could never travel to Lara's country to see where she grew up, went to school or even meet her friends and family actually makes me sad. The only way that we can see each other and be safe to be ourselves is if she came here to visit, so together, that is our goal.
Lara and I have come together for a reason, whether it was God, the power of positive thinking or just fate, we are in each others lives for a reason and I look forward to making every minute of every day count with this beautiful girl. Lara, thank you so much for sending me that simple "HI" that one word has changed both of our lives forever. I look forward to a long and loving friendship, relationship and who knows whatever else the future has in store for us. The only thing that is certain is the love I have for you which is honest, respectful and all enveloping.
During a conversation this morning, Lara blew me away yet again by sending me a song. Not only did she play it, but she sung it to me, it was the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever done for me. Yes, there was tears involved. Lara has so many amazing talents and singing is just another one to add to the ever increasing list of things that I love about her.
Love you girl.
No comments:
Post a Comment