It"s Always Been A Matter Of Trust.......(Part 14)

Saturday 29th December 2018

I guess you could say I have been taking a break over the last few months so I could concentrate on my day job. I have also been working on a few new ideas for posts that will be coming up over the coming weeks and months so rest assured this journey is far from over. To every that continues to send me messages of support, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will continue to enjoy these posts. To the people who have just discovered these, welcome aboard this wild ride that is my life. Please feel free to go back and checkout some of my earlier posts that you will find on my home blog page or by accessing them through my Facebook home page for the Inclusive Educator. 

Today I wanted to take you back when I was a child and take you through some events that have shaped my life into the person I am today. Please understand this may not be easy to read some of this due to some of the content involved and a some of it I havn't had the courage to speak about before to many if any people. 

I have always had an issue in my life with trust. Sometimes I trust people to easy and get hurt quite a bit as a result. Males I have also struggled to trust. I have tried in the past to trust them, but more often than not, they betray that trust. I'm not saying all males are like this because it's simply not true. Its just something I personally have a problem with because of past experience. In my life now, I have really only one male friend and he only became that way because he is married to one of my best friends. He is the reason that I still have faith in males as a species. He is an amazing husband to my friend and is a loving and supportive Dad to his children and has excepted me into his family "Village" with a huge amount of trust associated with that. 

Sadly, that wasn't always to be the case along my journey. Heading back to school, I always found it hard trying to relate to the boys in my class. As I grew up in the country, most of them all had farming backgrounds or were great at sports whether it be athletics, football or basketball. They mostly talked about cars, farm machinery or sport. None of which interested me. As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I know nothing about cars and I have no sporting ability what so ever. Sure, I tried basketball and loved it but I was more out there to force the fouls. Most games I would just get fouled off and spend the remainder of the game on the bench. I was involved in Little Athletics and never one a race, best I ever achieved was I came second last in a race and that was because the guy I was competing against had an artificial leg after he lost part of it inside a combine harvester. He was affectionately known as Plug for this reason I guess. We were doing a 400 hundred meter run and coming down the last 100 meters Plugs leg came loose from its bindings and fell off. All Plug could do was hop down towards the finishing line and it was during this time I passed him along the straight. You would have thought I had actually won the race I was that excited. 

I was once asked back in primary school, what did I want to be when I grew up. I thought for a while and came up with these three answers. I want to be a cook, an VFL Footballer or a truck driver. Two of these things had no chance of ever coming into fruition but I didn't want to sound like I was to much of a girl around all the testosterone that was around even in primary school. In reality, boys interests didn't interest me so it was more of a defence mechanism to try and not standout to much. At this stage in my life, I had pretty much put it all together in figuring out who I was. 

I was a Cub Scout when I was younger also. Along with many of the children in my class. I actually enjoyed putting on the uniform and heading off every Wednesday night (for memory) to participate in learning bush skills and helping the community. Bob a Job time was a personal favourite as I got to go out and do things to help others and get a donation for doing it. During this time it was announced that we would be having a weekend away to some place near by where we will be camping and doing some rock climbing and abseiling. This sounded like a great adventure to me although I had no idea what abseiling was but I was willing to give it a go. 

Who in their right mind, jumps off a cliff face backwards tied to a flimsy piece of rope. Oh my goodness, was I in for a rude shock. I remember standing on that rock face scared out of my shoes. I'm not sure how I completed the jump, but somehow I did and actually loved it. That night we were all in our tents. I was sitting there very proud that I had actually found the courage to do this thing when two guys from the neighbouring tent asked me if I wanted to come over to their tent for a bit. I thought, might as well because I was by myself in my tent so I headed over to their tent. I had known these two guys for quite a while now, we had attended the same school since we began our schooling life so it was a fair enough assumption that I would be ok. Sadly I was wrong, upon entering the tent, one of them tried to pull down my pants and sexually assault me while the other one sat in front laughing at me. 

I was so scared, I was trapped in a situation that I didn't even know was possible. I was extremely naive back then and had little to no knowledge of what was happening other than I knew it wasn't right. To give you an idea of exactly how naive I was back then, I actually didn't even realise that boys and girls had different body parts. Apart from girls having breasts, I didn't know there was even a difference. I just knew I preferred being around girls to guys. I remember asking my mother once "When a baby is born, how do they tell if its a boy or girl?" I was quite intrigued about it and wanted to know how this was achieved. My Mother gave me a look like Seriously followed up closely by "Go ask your Father". Can't remember if I asked him in the end, I think the look of disbelief kind of put me off the idea. 

That night I went back to my tent and lay there in my sleeping bag wondering what had happened. I was upset for allowing myself to trust these two guys who had done some pretty ordinary things in the past but I thought or hoped that they had moved on a bit. I decided never to tell anyone because I wasn't even sure what to say. So it was decided, I didn't tell the Cub leaders or my parents or anyone else. I have blocked it out till now. It was all about self preservation for me at the time, I just figured that no one would believe me anyway. 

That was probably where my distrust for males began. After that time it was just one thing after another. I had one child decided that it would be fun to humiliate me further in front of a group of friends. He decided that it would be fun to pee on me, so, without warning. He pulled it out and started peeing on my leg. This happened at my own house. Thankfully my Dad found out about this one and dealt with the situation. Again I was like confused wondering why me. 

A few years later after being tormented about my scar on my mouth from when I was born and the children at school coming up with their own version of events why it was split. Apparently I was giving oral sex to my Father and he split my mouth. I wasn't even sure what oral sex was then but leave it to the kids at my school to tell me exactly what it was. I was so disgusted and ended up telling my Aunt at first who was staying with us and then went on to tell my Dad. 

It was about this time that I discovered that the guy had been calling Dad all my life wasn't actually my Father. Apparently my biological Father dropped me off with my Mum at my Grandparents place claiming that no son of his could turn out like I was not long after bringing me home from the hospital. It turns out I had a few complications during birth including a Hair Lip which is why to this day I still bare the scare of my birth. He went onto imply that my Mother must of been with someone else to create me. With the help of my newly discovered Step-Dad, we tried to track him down to see if he was willing to see me but he refused. 

Although my relationship with my Step-Dad wasn't always smooth sailing, I had a lot of respect for him for what he has done for me over the years. He took me to countless specialist trips to Melbourne to try and help me with numerous different medical conditions that appeared over the years. The mere fact that we moved to the county in the first place was primarily so I could have a better chance at life because I had breathing issues in Melbourne. In short, he was and is the only person that I have called Dad and although I don't say it often enough, I love and respect everything he has done for me. 

On a side note, we achieved a huge milestone together on Christmas Day. My Dad after struggling to get his head around it for the last couple of years called me Sharon for the first time ever. This was a huge step because for 46 years years he has always known me as Darren (arghhhh, still hate that name) but I'm proud to say, he is getting there. It made my day so thank you Dad. It meant more than you will ever realise. 

Moving through on through school, I continued to go under the radar but at the same time I desperately craved friendships with anyone. I started to act out in class, sort of become the class joker just to get laughs but more often than not it would just wind up with me in a world of trouble. One class I never messed around in was Home Economics. My passion for cooking hadn't died and it was one of the only things in my life that brought me joy. My teacher at the time was Mrs Oldfield. She was amazing and truly an inspiration for me. She was kind with her time and always supportive and helpful. She was the kind of teacher that I hope I am today with my children. 

Eventually, it was time to move back to Melbourne as work was drying up in the country. People were leaving, businesses were closing and moving back to Melbourne was the only option for some. My respiratory system was a lot stronger now so it was all systems go. I was initially excited about heading to Melbourne. A fresh start for me at a new school would hopefully allow me to reinvent myself. Sadly that wasn't to be. The same old stuff that was happening at my old school was beginning to happen all over again. I was different and everyone sensed that and once again I became the scapegoat for anyone who felt like paying out on me. 

I found refuge once again with the girls in my class and they were supportive. The guys all had something to prove to one another. To the guys you fell under one of the following categories. You were either Gay, a Virgin, a nerd or one of them. I got classified as a Virgin. Didn't even know what that was back then but because I wore a white skivvy, that was my category. I didn't know whether to be offended or honoured. The truth is, I was but I didn't know it at the time. 

I ended up leaving school at the first opportunity I had. I went to work in a scrap metal yard which was horrific. It was my first job and it was a means to an end to get me out of the schooling system. From there I went to work for Coles as a trolley pusher. Hated that also. My real passion remained with cooking. By this stage I had collected so many cook books and begin to write my own recipes that I needed to do something to make it happened. 

I ended up getting a job at the Western Port Hotel in Hastings as a kitchen hand on the weekends. Saturday nights I would wash a mountain of dishes but on Sunday, I would go back into the kitchen and get to do some prep work with the Chefs. I loved this so much and it gave me some great experience but sadly, I didn't have a licence at the time and had to rely on my Dad to get me there but that wasn't always feasible so I left.

I ended up getting work in a restaurant in my home town as a kitchen hand. I was so excited to be working in a proper restaurant that specialised in French cuisine. To me I had made it finally. This was where my career was going to take off. Starting at the bottom I was going to learn everything I could, get my apprenticeship and become a Chef. The first Monday night I worked was very quite. Hardly anyone in the restaurant so it was a good opportunity to sample some food. First up was the garlic snails otherwise known as Escargot. I discovered then and there all about the concept of mind over matter. I put the snail in my mouth and thought this is actually quite good then my mind lost its control and thought about how when it rains, the snails come up out of the garden and sit on the footpaths and if you're not careful, pretty soon you will hear the crunching of shells under foot. It was about then during the thought process that I had to spit it out and dry desperately not to gag. I apologised to the Head Chef and he laughed it off much to my relief. A little later in the night, it had gone totally dead and we were the only two left in the kitchen. 

It was during this time that the Head Chef asked if I was with anyone. I wasn't at the time and I said no. He asked me if I was interested in anyone. I replied "Only Maddona". The truth is I loved Maddona so much. I so wanted to be her. She was everything I wish I could have been back then. Sexy, loved and wanted. 

The Chef seemed happy with this revaluation so I went onto tell him about the limited addition of Playboy that I had with Madonna in it. Now, have to explain something here. Back then, any poster, book or item of clothing that mentioned Madonna, I wanted. I even  knew people going to the Melbourne show and asked them if they would bring me back two Maddona showbags. I had pictures of her all over my walls and room. I had her albums and videos, I even took the day off one day just so I could head into Melbourne to be one of the first to see Desperately seeking Susan, Maddona's first ever movie. I was absolutely in love with her. It seemed a perfectly thing to have a copy of that edition of Playboy to add to the Maddona memorabilia. 

The Chef asked if he could see it. I told him yes and he said while its quite, do you want to get it knowing that i lived nearby. I said sure, so I set off on my bike to collect the much talked about copy of Playboy.  Upon my arrival back at the restaurant, he had a quick flick through it and placed it on the bench. He asked me to point out which were my favourite shots of her. I turned and opened up the pages to where Maddona appeared and the Chef came up behind me, took down my pants and proceeded to sexually assault me there in the kitchen of a deserted restaurant. Once again, I was scared and not knowing what to do. Had I brought this on myself by grabbing the magazine or did he just prefer young children. I wasn't even 18. Although their was no penetration, it still made me feel sick having him rub himself up against me. I was sad and confused. My dream job had turned into a nightmare. 

After he had finished he told me that he was going away for the weekend and wanted me to come along. I was worried what this would involved but also scared if I didn't go that I would loose my job and this was already my fourth since leaving school so I didn't want to go home and say that I'd lost another job. I told him that I would ask my Parents if I could go. I didn't know what else to say. As it turned out, I asked permission to go and quite rightfully they said no. Probably the first time in my life that I was happy to have a no. I went back the next day and told him i wasn't allowed to go and within the week I no longer had a job working in the hospitality field. 

I told myself there and then that I would never go back to working in kitchens again. I could never allow myself to fall into a situation like this again and leave myself open and vulnerable. It also fuelled my distrust in males. Didn't want to have to deal with another one again. I tried telling someone about this story once and it was met with a response of "Oh", like i was only telling them for shock purposes. No one makes this stuff up, its real and it happens to women all the time. Some guys think they have the right to take advantage of someone they see as weaker than them. No one has a right to treat another human being in this way. I am a strong advocate for saying no to any form of violence against women. Be it verbal, physical or emotional. I have been through all of it myself in my life and I'm willing to take a stand and tell guys that they need to do a better job. 

I started off by saying that this will not be an easy one to read and it shouldn't be given the content. We should feel very uncomfortable about Sexually assault and find a way to show the perpetrators of this that their few moments of joy can ruin someone's life and no one has that right to hold that power over you.

Sharon

Do you know I have an Indian background, yeah, I have a lot of Indian Sisters............(Part 13)

Saturday 22nd September 2018

Well, here we are again ready to document yet another chapter in this journey of mine. Its Saturday night and I have been ready to  post this one for a while now but wanted to get the wording right in my head before committing it to immortality here in blog form. 

This part of the journey is about my final days at the centre that I called home for five and a half years. One of the hardest decisions I ever had to face in my life but a decision that as hard as it was necessary to my growth in becoming the best Educator that I could become. 

This time a year ago, I was a room leader in a Junior Kinder room. I had been appointed the room leader of the room after the previous room leaders decided to step down from the room. I had been in the Kinder room where I had followed my children up from the previous year as their room leader. As I didn't have my Bachelor In Early Education, I became an assistant to the Kinder Teacher at the time. Going from room leading to being an assistant again is difficult for most Educators and I for one struggled with the concept as I had a totally different teaching style to the appointed Kinder Teacher so when the opportunity to head back into my own room came along, I leaped at it. 

It was nice to be back in my original room where I set about making it mine once more. Once again I was getting the positive feedback from the families that I was used to and I was really enjoying working with our new Interim management team. Our centre was going through it's own transition and I remember it being an exciting time for my centre. This centre had been my home for a very long time and I honestly felt like I was apart of something special making our centre even more exciting than what it had been previous. 

In that first month I learnt so much from our interim management team about more effective programming and documentation. We had weekly room leader meetings where we shared ideas amongst other members and I remember it being a happy and positive time.  I had decided to take a couple of weeks off to re-charge a bit. I always hated having to much time away from my kids and as a rule would at some point inevitably drop by for a visit to see them during my time off. Any longer than two weeks away would send me off the deep end. 

I eventually came back to work and found myself only a few weeks later away from work again and in hospital after a gall bladder removal. The pain was horrific and I remember thinking what on earth is happening to me. The pain was on the right side of my chest so I had a good feeling that it wasn't my heart so that at least put my mind a rest a bit, and after a few tests discovered that my gall bladder was in danger of rupturing which wasn't ideal, so it was decided to remove it. 

Funny story. While I was in emergency, I was called over to the triage window and she pushed the button under the next to allow me to come through and sit in her office. The Nurse asked me about the pain and I gave her a letter from my GP requesting that I was to be admitted straight away. The Nurse went through asking me the standard questions, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would describe the pain at the moment?" Well, at this stage I would consider it a high 8-9 sort of pain. "Where abouts is the pain right now?" Well, its kind of centred around this area here, as I pointed to the area just under my right breast. She then asked me to describe the pain and I replied It hurts so much. "OK, are you on any medication at the moment?" I always dreaded this because I always struggled with the names of the medication I was on and usually did that thing where you try and give it a red hot go and wait for the Doctor/Nurse to correct you with the right answer. 

"Well I'm on Carzameeezapain for my Epilepsy" The Nurse corrects me and says "Carbamezepine", "Yeah, that one as well as Citalopram for Depression. I'm also on Astovastin." "Do you mean Atorvastatin?" "Yeah, the one for my cholesterol, and of course I'm on Hormones which is the Microgynon." The Nurse look over at me and asked "Why are you on Hormones for?" I looked back at her and I replied really. She looked at me for a few moments and said "Ohhh, I'm sorry, I thought you were taking them to help you through Menopause". all of a sudden the biggest smile spread across my face and I replied, "If I wasn't in so much pain right now, I'd walk over and give you a hug right now". I kind of got the feeling I made her day, I know she made mine. Later that day while I was having an x-ray done, the technician asked me the same questions and then added an extra question. "Before we do the x-ray, is there a chance you maybe Pregnant". Again I smiled and replied, "Not much chance but I appreciate you asking". 

I was off for three weeks recovering and finally got my clearance to go back to work with the stipulation that I couldn't lift over 5kgs. I thought that it wasn't going to be a problem so very excitedly I got ready to go back to work after being away from my kids for the last three weeks. I walked in happy and relieved to be back only to find out that because of the lifting restrictions, I wasn't able to return for my own safety. So I had to wait another 2 weeks before returning to work. I went home feeling so dejected that I couldn't even see my kids for fear they may of jumped on me and damaged me in some way. 

In total with the holiday I had and the operation recovery time I was off work for 7 weeks. When I did finally get back I felt lost, my best friend and the person I relied on being there each day to cheer me up was gone. I felt that loss so much knowing that I wasn't going to see Maida's happy smiling face greeting me each day left me feeling empty. I had been away from my kids for so long and found it hard to find my grove again. The centre was heading in a new direction with a new full time Director now and I just felt lost. So, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever had to make. I decided that maybe it was time for me to head off in a new direction myself. 

One thing worried me about the whole thing, moving to a new centre meant that I had to start all over again building those relationships and bonds with families. How would they receive me? Would they accept me or reject me? How was this going to work? 

I decided the only way to find out was to update my resume and head out and cold canvas some other centres in my local area. One of these centres was approximately 9 minutes from home and was only two years old. It was close to the local school which was great because I could pick up my girls from school after work. 

One day after returning home from work, I received a call from a very bubbly young lady called Hayley. She had left a message asking me to give her a call regarding coming for a chat. I rang her back and arranged to meet her on the Friday. I can't explain it, although my confidence was low after the last couple of months and I felt that I had lost something, I knew that I had this Job. Something was telling me not to stress, that I had this. I walked in early as always, a bit of a trait of mine. I hate being late for anything so I will be that one that arrives somewhere 30 minutes early every time. I walked in confident and introduced myself to the lady behind the counter. She explained to me that Hayley hadn't arrived as yet but shouldn't be to far away. I took a seat and waited while looking at some of the literature on offer to read through about the centre. 

It wasn't long before I met this amazing lady known to me as Hayley. She was a powerhouse of energy at the same time claiming that she wasn't a morning person. She was bright, bubbly and set me at ease straight away with her relaxed yet professional manner. Hayley asked me to take a seat beside her and we started to chat about my experience and my passion for the work I do. While I was answering her questions, Hayley was thumbing her way through my portfolio which had my Resume, Qualifications as well as some sample documentation that I had written. Hayley stopped one of the pages that contained my Diploma and all of a sudden had a puzzled look on her face. I thought I'd fill that gap by saying, yes, sadly at this point my Certificates are in my old name not my new one but if you have a look further you will see I have included my birth certificate as well which reflects my name change. She looked up at me and I said to her, you do realised I'm transgender don't you. She suddenly smiled a huge beaming smile as I waited nervously for some sort of response. Hayley told me that she hadn't realised but she was so excited and happy to meet me. 

It was about this time that the front door behind me opened up and I heard this huge gasp from behind me. I quickly turned around to see one of my parents from a few years beforehand from my old centre. She ran towards me and gave me the biggest hug and very excitedly asked if I was getting a job at the centre. I replied "Well, I'm not sure but I'm kind of in the middle of an interview here to find out". With that, my ex-parent walked straight over to Hayley, still holding me and said to her, "You have to hire this girl, she is amazing and I wouldn't trust my child to anyone else but her". With that she let go, gave me another hug, wished me good luck and headed off with her child to her room. I looked over at Hayley and smiled feeling very good about myself and re-took my position in the chair opposite Hayley. Hayley then looked over at me and said, "That went pretty well for you didn't it." I replied , "Yeah, couldn't have planned that better if I tried." 

I think that was the moment she decided that she wanted me on the team. She asked me if I was interested in doing a trial day for her at some point. I told her my whole day was free today so I would be more than happy to work the day for her. I could tell she was like wow, didn't expect that. Pretty soon I was introduced to the amazing Yolanda. Yolanda was the 2nd in charge and just the most beautiful soul that you would ever want to meet. As soon as I met her I knew I was going to get along very well with her. 

I moved around a lot that first day from room to room and each room I went into, the same thing happened. Within a few minutes, every child in the room was standing or sitting around me talking to me. I remember being in the Kinder yard at one point through that day and saw out of the corner of my eye, a group of educators lined up along the fence looking at me interacting with the children. At this stage I had them hanging off me like they had known me for years. One of the educators at the fence called to me, "Omg, look at them. They love you. They wont leave your side." another one said, " I don't get it." I asked them what they meant. "The educator told me they love you that much that there climbing all over you and you only just met them, they don't even do this to us and we have known them for ages." I couldn't help but smile and reply that "It's always been the same way, I can't explain what it is but it happens every time". 

At the end of that first day, I went back to the office satisfied that I had done the best I could do and had an awesome day in the process. I asked both Hayley and Yolanda if they had had any feedback from the staff. Hayley told me that one of the staff told her that they may need to lift there game after witnessing my interactions over the day. Hayley offered me the job then and there telling me that she had made her mind up earlier and the feedback that she was getting just sealed the deal. I was so excited.

Within that first week of working at my new centre, Hayley told me that I she wanted to put me in the Kinder room to cover the Kinder teacher who was about to go on maternity leave. The plan was that I was going to co-run the Kinder room with another educator called Mandeep. I was so excited to be back in the Kinder  room as a room leader again. The Friday before I started in the Kinder room, I went into cover the Kinder Teacher for her break. The children were sitting on the mat and Mandeep was organising Afternoon tea for the children. I walked in, sat down on the mat, introduced myself to them and just did my thing. Within minutes, they were laughing with me and telling me about themselves. I started singing silly songs with the children and basically took over. 

When the break was over and the Kinder Teacher returned back to the room which was only ten minutes in total the children were asking me to stay and begging me not to go. I only went as far as the next room which was the Junior Kinder room which adjoined the kinder room. While I was in there doing another break I heard a little voice saying "Mum, you have to come and meet Sharon, she's so funny and sings silly songs". The Mum came over to me and introduced herself as Robyn and she told me that she was told she had to come and meet me. The little girl who stood by her was smiling so much and you could tell, something special had just taken place in her life and she wasn't about to let that feeling go. I'm happy to say that although that little girl has moved onto school now with her twin brother, she still has this amazing reaction whenever she See's me. Robyn has gone on to be one of my amazing friends and a huge inspiration to me and the main reason why I started these blogs in the first place. Robyn ended up at my place one night and we were talking about what an amazingly powerful tool the Internet is for raising your profile and anyone one with a half decent idea can turn anything into something special with some work. Robyn was the one who inspired me to blog about my journey, so thank you so much Robyn for believing in me and allowing me to be apart of your families journey. 

The following day, Saturday, there was to be a working bee at the centre. As usual, I arrived to early and set to work in my new room cleaning tables and chairs before starting on cleaning the shelving.  While I was moving around the room, I was soon joined by my co-room leader Mandeep. Mandeep said good morning to me as she set to work helping me to dust and clean the shelves. This was my first chance to talk to her without having the children around. I pretty much started the conversation by apologising for taking over  the mat time from the day before. It really wasn't my intention at the time, but it just sort of happened. Mandeep told me not to worry that it was ok and it gave her a chance to organise the fruit for afternoon tea. 

Mandeep and I spent our time in the room that day getting to know each other and laying the foundations to what has became a bond that will continue on for many years to come. When I arrived at this centre, I was broken, I was lost and didn't know if I could continue doing what I love so much. Mandeep picked me up, dusted me off and re-ignited that fire in me that made me remember why I love this job so much. Mandeep is one of the most kindest and most considerate people I have ever met. Her and the rest of the girls at our end of the building adopted me as one of their own and made me feel wanted, appreciated and very loved. Over the course of those first six months working together we became like family. Mandeep quickly became not only one of my best friends but my Sister. The very first day talking to her alone in the room I was actually worried that she may not accept me or have same reservations about working with me because of who I am but she put me at ease straight away that day just by talking to me. I remember one night we had a staff meeting and I told her that there wasn't much point in me going home after work then coming back for the meeting so I'd probably stick around for the hour before the meeting started doing some things in the room. Mandeep had finished at 3:30. Did the school pick up, went home, organised her children, cooked dinner for the family and brought some to work in a container for me because she was concerned that by the time I got home after the meeting that it would be to late to eat and she didn't want me to go hungry. 

Mandeep is just a beautiful soul full of so much love and compassion for her fellow humans and nothing is an effort for her. As we worked more and more together in the room we became almost synced to each others thinking pattens. The amount of times that I would say to the Mandeep, how about we do this, Mandeep would be like, I was just thinking of doing the same or vice verso. We had so many similar ideas that it became almost like a running joke. "Of course you were thinking the same as I was because we are Sisters." We spent that whole six months laughing, thinking similar thoughts if not the same ones and teaching some amazing children who meant the world to both of us. 

The both of us were so proud working with our amazing kids and watching them work so hard to get their dance steps right that Mandeep had choreographed with the help of her daughter for the graduation concert at the end of the year. Santa Claus is coming will always hold special meaning to me now after that night and the following days for approximately 5 times a day throughout the whole month of January. 

Mandeep, I can never stress to you enough how much you helped me and saved me from making a terrible mistake like almost walking away from this amazing life experience after feeling that I had lost my way. Like a beacon in a dark night, you showed me the way again and helped me see that I still have so much to give. You accepted me whole heartily as did your amazing family. One of my proudest moments was having the opportunity of watching you become an Australian citizen. You wouldn't have seen it, but i had tears in my eyes when you received your certificate but hey, your probably not surprised knowing that I cry at most things. You invited me to your home, you showed me how to cook like an Indian, dress like an Indian and showed me how to respect others with love and compassion like the way you were taught to. 

A short 8 months later, it was time for me to make another tough decision. Do I stay and be content with only seeing you in the hallways or over the fence or do I take a huge risk and move centres once again. The centre I'm moving to is bigger, more chance for advancement yet its further away from home and I don't see you and the rest of those amazing girls who are like family to me. I still have to admit I miss you all so very much and the amazing kids and families that I had to leave behind from both centres still hold a very special place in my heart. I know that we are still connected and will always be throughout life. God puts people in our lives for a reason and he knew what he was doing when he put you Mandeep, Kamal, Priya, Preeti, Daisy, Farzana, Suzi, Arti, Garima, Aneeta, Jennifer, Almira and Steph in my life. You all hold a place in my heart and I will never forget the love and compassion that you all showed me in those 8 amazing months that we had together. 

The Aftermath of Part 11...............(Part 12)

Sunday 12th August 2018

Its been 19 days since my last blog so I thought it was time to sit back down with a big cup of coffee and set to work on another piece. I would like to say the last 19 days have been amazing, but the simple truth is that I have been involved in yet another personal fight with depression. Since my last post, I feel into the black hole once more and for a while their struggled to continue with the day to day. Sure, I still got up each day and did all the things that I needed to do to keep a roof over my head with a big smile on my face each day, but the reality was that I was hurting inside and only a selected few really knew the full extent of the pain that I was working through. 

I have spoken about my depression in these blogs before so I don't want to delve into that to much here this time round. What I will say is that depression is in no way discriminate of who it attacks or where it attacks. Most of the time, there is no valid reason for the way I'm feeling. Most of the time you won't even know that I'm suffering because I like many other suffers have found ways to hide it and continue on until the cracks begin to appear and forces you to face up to what you have been hiding from those around you. 

By Tuesday last week, my cracks started to show and it was becoming more and more obvious that something wasn't quite right with me so I faced it head on. The level of understanding, empathy and respect I got from talking about what I was going through is still something I find hard to deal with at times because for most of my life, I haven't had that. I was always just putting it on or looking for attention in the eyes of the ones who where meant to be supporting me. So to have some empathy given to me when I was at my lowest point made me very emotional. I found myself not being able to have conversations without tears welling in my eyes. Now this is not a knew thing for me, I have always been an emotional being and wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess its just its been even more intense over the last 19 days. 

The other thing I can say about this times journey down the black hole is that I know what caused it this time round. Most of the time, I can't say that but this time was different. Those who read my last blog (if you haven't as yet, I suggest you go back and read it as nothing I write from this point will make sense from here on in) will hopefully understand that I put every last bit of emotion in my body into that piece. I wanted it to be special to honour the strength and the sheer admiration I had for this special girl who I called Lisa. Lisa went through a lot, and put up with so much as I dealt with what I was feeling for her. The simple truth is that in the end, I couldn't stop loving her. Lisa became like my half girlfriend, she was the one that gave me reason to move forward each day when everything else seem lost. I didn't matter that she didn't feel the same way about me in the end because I loved her enough for the both of us. Every single beautifully worded song I heard reminded me of her and every place I went I could only think how much this place would be better if Lisa was here sharing this with me. 

When I saw her, I played it cool like I was fine which enabled us to remain friends without it getting all awkward again, but the truth was each time we greeted each other with a hug, my world stood still and I didn't want to let her go. Everything just seemed right when she was in my arms. So you see, it was important that I tried to portray all of those feelings and emotions into those words I wrote in that last blog. I had been in contact with Lisa over the days leading up to the blog to firstly gain her permission as I felt that she at least had the right to know that I was going to be writing about a time that not only affected me but her. I also wanted to let her know because I wanted her to be alright with it, I respect her feelings and opinions obviously because I still held very strong feelings for her. The Blog itself, was more or less finished on the Monday night with the exception of a few bits to tidy up. Lisa gave me the go ahead to publish on the Tuesday and I received notice of that during my lunch break. That day after work, I jumped into my car to begin the drive home but before I did I checked my phone for any messages. There was a notification  on my phone to say that Lisa had posted something knew to Instagram. I decided to look at what it was and all of a sudden it was like someone blew out my candle light out. 

The thing that I had been dreading the most, actually happened. Lisa had met someone. I knew in that instant that everything I held so dear to me had gone. It forced me to wake up to the fact that I always knew but tried to ignore that it was never going to be more than friends. I guess I just believed in if you wanted something bad enough and wished for it hard enough, the laws of attraction would finally prevail. I had heard that others had done it and it worked, so I was willing to give it a go. 

I got home that night and finished off the piece by saying that I wished her all the best in her new adventure. I meant it, Lisa deserves all the happiness in the world and I would never begrudge  her that. The only thing that I wish for out of all this is her happiness. So, on the day I found out that she was starting a new relationship, I posted. Lisa did read it and told me that it was exactly what she expected it would be. She approved. 

The following days were a mixture of just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind while I did my best to carry on forward. I was driving to work one morning listening to Jason Mraz's song, "If it Kills me". One of my favourite Lisa songs. All of a sudden, I was swept over with emotion and couldn't stop crying. Driving to work at 6am in the dark was hard enough but add a constant stream of tears into the equation and it made it near on impossible to drive. Worst still, I was driving through an area where they were doing roadworks so I couldn't even pull over to the side of the road until my moment had passed. 

I knew I was in trouble emotionally so I decided to talk to one of my best friends. I visited her on Thursday night as I do every Thursday night and straight away she knew something was wrong with me. I have only known Tracey since November 2017. She is yet another ex-parent friend of mine and over the course of this last year has become one of my best friends. She's the kind of friend that I always wanted to have, she's strong, determined and in her own words, "Fiercely loyal". At times I question our friendship because I feel at times that its such an unlikely paring. I mean to say, Tracey is like the cool kid, the popular girl in school and I'm the nerdy one that never gets noticed, but for some reason we just click. She's the kind of girl that when we talk, we can talk to each other about random stuff all night and just laugh, then more often than not, realise that it's 3am and another day is dawning. 

Tracey calls me her Kindred Spirit, I never really knew what that meant until now. Tracey could tell that something was wrong with me and it didn't take me long to fill her in. I had spoken to her before about Lisa so she was well versed in my feelings for her. I have actually told her more stuff than I tell most others about myself so telling her this information was very easy in the end. I kept saying to her, I don't get why I'm feeling like this. She was never mine to begin with so why do I hurt so bad? Tracey was like, it's simple, you have every right to feel like this because you had real feelings for Lisa so your allowed to feel hurt. 

She was absolutely right of course, I did have real feelings for Lisa and I guess a grieving period for what I was feeling was understandable. As the time wore on over the coming days I tried to keep pretty much to myself. I cancelled Tutoring jobs because I didn't feel effective in what I was doing and things were beginning to wear me down. My only focus, was making sure my day time job was ticking by smoothly, which thankfully was. By the Friday of the following week I was feeling like rubbish. I had caught some bug which made me feel even worse and I had plans to catch up with a mutual friend of Lisa's. Lets just say, It wasn't my finest moment. I was in a bad way, coughing, spluttering aching all over and by Friday night, my patience had pretty much up and left me. So much so during a conversation with my friend, I got so frustrated with her that I actually did something that I never do, I swore at her. I instantly felt like crap and the rest of the night kind of went down hill from there. The sad part is, that I still don't remember if I even apologised to her for it. That person in my car that night was someone who left along time ago, that angry, frustrated person was not who I am anymore and if by chance you are reading this "N", I'm sorry I lost it with you, please accept my rather unorthodox public apology. 

The following day Saturday, I spent the whole day in bed trying to get rid of my bug. By Sunday, I was feeling much better and knowing that my girls were coming over that night gave me the extra motivation I needed to pick up and start moving forward again. By about Wednesday, Thursday this past week, I felt the need to write again so I knew I was coming back. Its always a good sign when I feel the urge to write. That plus I was getting messages from loyal readers who were waiting patiently for the next instalment of this journey. 

This Blog was meant to be about friendships today, as usual it has taken on a life of its own and gone off on another tangent. I am so very blessed to have some amazing friends in my life that support me in times such as these who know when to say at times the smallest things that help get me through. Without these words of comfort and encouragement, I may have given up long ago. The world is constantly changing and evolving and friends that were yours one day, may not be the next day. For every friend who has ever supported me you will never be forgotten. 

P.s..... I Love You..........(Part 11)

Tuesday 24th July 2018

There was a girl back in school in Nhill, my home town who I loved more than any other girl at the time. She was beautiful, she was popular, she was blond, blue eyed and her name was Lisa. Sadly Lisa didn't know I even existed and why would she, she was adored by everyone and the closest I ever got to being with her was at family function that we were invited to and thankfully it was a member of her family having a birthday so she kind of had to be there. For a brief moment in time, we actually danced together at this party. The world stood still for that moment and I valued every minute of that dance all through high school and still remember it fondly today.

I loved everything about Lisa. I loved the sound of her sweet voice and the way she would laugh when she spoken to anyone else but me. She had a style all of her own and I so wanted to be her. Years later I heard that she had moved to another country town and became a Dental Assistant. I found her on Facebook once and friended her. I was so happy to finally find her after all these years and to make contact with her. She didn't feel the same clearly, because not long after accepting me, she deleted me again. I don't blame her in a way, I always tried so hard to impress her and truth be told I probably sound like a blithering fool. You know when you are so awe struck by someone, you can't actually string a sentence together that makes sense. That was the effect Lisa had on me. For someone who prides themselves on being articulate, when Lisa was around, I kind of just lost the plot. She was indeed my Winnie Cooper. (Insert Wonders Years reference here). 

I brought up Lisa for a reason here. I have always loved the name Lisa. If I had a daughter, I would have named her Lisa. It's just a beautiful name and for me it encapsulates all that is good and kind in the world. Chances are, if I met you in my day to day life and your name was Lisa, you would be off to an unfair advantage in the popularity stakes. 

I have always known I was interested in girls, there is something about them that just captivates me. There has never been any doubt what so ever what side of the fence I was on. Girls all the way. I guess I'm over emphasising this point because to some, it's hard for them to get their head around that I identify as a woman, yet I'm attracted to women also. In fact it was one of the most frequently asked questions that I got asked. Some even just assume that I'm into men, which at times becomes a little awkward when I have to say ahhhh, no, your barking up the wrong tree. 

As I have stated before, I have nothing in common with Men in any shape way or form. I just don't get them. I can't talk to them and I don't mean in a Lisa can't talk to them kind of way, I just mean I have nothing in common with them. I had to ask one of my best friends husband the other day where to put the oil in my car because I had no idea. That's not saying all women don't know where to put oil in a car, it's just saying I don't. I was so scared about buying the wrong oil for my car that I had actually put any in it for three years. I know right!!! 

I'm sure I wasn't always this bad, I know where the water goes in the car, for the radiator. I even did that in my old car which was much bigger than the one I have now, and truth be told I'm pretty sure I put oil in my big car because you couldn't miss where the oil went in it because it was right on top of the engine. Oh, I have never changed a car tyre, Maria always did that. Awkward. In fact Maria did most of the traditional bloke stuff in the house. Just wasn't me, I preferred the cooking in the kitchen part was more my style. She can have the mowing and weed pulling, I wanted to create culinary masterpieces instead. On weekends I excelled at it. During the week, I passed enough to keep everyone fed and happy. 

Back to Lisa, I want to continue from where I left off on part ten, talking about falling in love again for the first time since walking away from Maria and our marriage. I'm not going to use this girls real name because I know she wouldn't want that. So I will refer to her as Lisa from this point onwards. It seems somewhat appropriate the old Lisa was my first real love and the new Lisa is my first real love 16 months after my marriage ended. 

This feeling took me by complete surprise. I didn't go looking for it and I certainly didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and it was a beautiful time for me because it proved to me that I was totally capable of loving someone again after the years of pain that I had lived through previous to that. 

Its kind of easy to understand why I fell for this Lisa, she is a  beautiful person with a heart full of sunshine that she shone on everyone that she came into contact with everyday. She is softly spoken, kind, gentle and just an amazing soul. It would be hard not to fall in love with her to be honest. 

I first met Lisa a few years ago now. Our first encounter wasn't particularly memorable other than I remember thinking that she seemed nice. As I got to know her over time, she began to make an impression on me. She was married, she seemed like she was happy in her life and projected that happiness everywhere she went. She was very well liked because she always had that ability to walk into a room and light up a whole place with her smile. 

As the years rolled on, things started to change for Lisa and the once happy girl that I had known found herself dealing with issues that no one should have to deal with. To her credit, she made it through and began the task of working on a new path without her partner.  

It was about a year later that I started going through my dramas with my own marriage and at that point where I needed to leave. Lisa was able to give me some advice along the way which was helpful but what I really admired about her, was the way she just picked up her life and moved forward. I have never actually told her this before, but her strength that she displayed during that hard time was so inspiring to me and helped me deal with what  I was about to go through myself. 

All through that time in my life when I needed support, Lisa was there. I mean she wasn't in your face. She was more of the cheering you on from the side lines when you needed that extra boost to get you over the line. 

Over the last 5-6 months of 2016, our friendship grew more and I began to look upon her as like a little Sister figure. I was there for her and same with her there for me when either one of us needed cheering up or extra motivation to get us through a rough patch. It was a friendship that went beyond anything that I had before. 

Christmas day 2016, Lisa contacted me and asked if she could drop by my house because she had a gift for me. I was like you didn't have to do that, all the while thinking, I'm so glad you did because I had nothing else to open Christmas day as our family gets together on Boxing day for lunch, so Christmas day 2016 was going to be a very quiet day spent by myself. 

Lisa dropped around and we greeted each other with the customary hug that seemed to of taken place every time we saw each other. I offered her a drink, everything seemed quite normal, we sat down and began talking about how Christmas days didn't seem the same anymore after the last year or two. I was finding Christmas Eve particular hard because Maria and I always made such a big thing of it and its not the same spending it alone. 

I began telling Lisa how proud I was of her and everything that she had achieved over the last few months. I told her how much I appreciated our friendship and how much I valued her as a person. I told her that I thought she was an amazing person full of light and then it happened. I felt myself tearing up as I spoke. I was seriously getting very emotional and I was like, what on earth is going on here. Lisa had to head off somewhere for lunch so we once again hugged and said goodbye. 

As soon as she left I was walking down my hallway thinking to myself, what the hell was that? I mean I'm an emotional basket case at the best of times but to actually get emotional like that over a seemingly normal conversation was like why? Then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I had develop feelings for Lisa. 

I was immediately confronted with the question, how did this happen? I mean, oh my goodness, she is an amazing girl who just brightens my day anytime that I see her but I hadn't felt like this for anyone ages. I hadn't felt these sorts of feelings since I met Maria and we were first dating. I had forgotten what they felt like and they were seriously overtaking me and it felt freaking amazing. 

All of a sudden I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Lisa. She entered into every conscious thought I had. "Wonder what Lisa is doing" "Wonder if she is OK." "I can't wait to see her next".  I found myself waiting at times for her to come online so I could just say hello, how was your day? I would hear a song and somehow relate it back to Lisa and what I was feeling for her. 

I finally plucked up the courage from somewhere to actually ask her around for dinner one night. During the many conversations we had had over time, we both discovered that Lasagna was one of our favourite things to eat. Lisa had told me that the one she made was really good and I told her that I would love to try it one day. That day came and I have to admit, it was freaking amazing and I still remember it to this day. I thought for a moment, that I maybe in a bit of trouble if I have to compete against this masterpiece, but a promise was a promise and that's what I made for us for dinner. 

The night Lisa came around was amazing. We talked for ages about everything that ignited and inspired us. We had so much in common and I felt a real connection with her stronger than I had felt in years. I served her my version of the Lasagna and she thankfully told me that she thought it was amazing. We talked into the night some more until she had to leave. We agreed to meet up the following day for lunch to finish of the leftovers of the lasagna. 

That lunch time, I met up with Lisa and we sat at a table with others in the room but I wouldn't have even realised because I tuned them out and focused on one thing only, Lisa's words. There could have been a crowd of people gathered around that day, but I only had eye's for Lisa. 

As time went on more and more I found myself almost obsessing about her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had began consuming every one of my waking hours. When she started creeping into my dreams also, I thought I needed to do something about it. I remember waking up early one morning after dreaming about Lisa once more and decided that I needed to put my feelings down in writing and tell her how I felt. I wasn't sure how it would go but I just felt I needed to let her know what I was feeling. So I got out of bed, opened up my computer, and put what I felt into words. 

I didn't actually mention her name in the piece, but felt very sure she would know who this letter or words were meant for. I posted as a note on Facebook as I did quite often when writing about my feelings and emotions. Not long after posting, I saw that she was on messenger so I sent her a message to say good morning. I then told her that she needed to read the note that I had just posted. Now some of you maybe thinking, why did I write a note? Why didn't I just tell her in person and sweep her off her feet. Well, to be honest, I was worried that I would start tearing up again and wouldn't be able to get my message across effectively so I chose to write it. 

I waited for what seemed like forever for Lisa to read my note all the time feeling my heart beating in my chest so hard that I thought I would die before she got back to me with a reply. When she did get back to me her reply was not what I hoped for, but kind of expected. Lisa told me that she was very flattered and Kudos to me for having the guts to say how I felt but she didn't feel the same way in return. She was happy to remain friends but that was all. 

Really, what else did I expect. She was way out of my league and I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be that lucky to have such a beautiful person in my life. She was and is younger than I am, more beautiful than mere words here can explain both inside and out and what on earth could I possibly offer her in return? Nothing. 

Time went on and things became a little awkward between us for a while. I had to convince myself that I needed to come up with a solution to fix the problem that I had created. I remember telling her one day that "It's OK, I'm good again, I think it must just be the hormones screwing me around, probably nothing to worry about". Lisa seemed to accept this and was happy to move forward and put all this behind us. That would have been good if I had just stuck to the plan. I discovered that I just couldn't switch my feelings off that easy and pretend that everything was OK. These are feelings that I hadn't felt in over 20 years remember and I wasn't ready to let them go just yet. 

I began finding excuses just to see her, silly excuses most of the time but reasons just to be in her presence. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to achieve. Probably trying to convince her that we could make something out of nothing if we tried but it was never going to work. I remember the first time Lisa actually snapped at me. I must of been pushing to hard or something and she quite rightfully snapped at me. I honestly almost cried then and there on the spot. I actually had to speak to a friend about it I was that devastated. "I can't believe it, Lisa actually snapped at me' I told my friend. My friend asked why? I was like, "I don't know, but she's never done that before". 

I decided I needed to try and distance myself from her after that and found myself getting into online dating to try and get my mind of Lisa. I had met a few people online and one particular match was looking kind of promising. I quickly announced to the world that I was "in a relationship" on Facebook and went and told Lisa that I had moved on that I was OK again and ready to continue our friendship. She cautiously agreed and everything was fine again for a while, or so it seemed. 

I kind of sabotaged any chance with anyone else because I found myself comparing them to Lisa. If a girl didn't have the "Lisa factor" as I called it, there was no point continuing on. The "Lisa factor" was defined simply as, if there was no spark like there was with Lisa on Christmas Day 2016, it just wasn't worth it. In reality, it was more that I was looking for an excuse because I knew to well that I had way to stronger feelings for Lisa and it wasn't fair on anyone to pursue another relationship till I had dealt with that.

Easter 2017 rolled around and I previous to this I had made back some ground in my regaining my friendship with Lisa. Lisa was going away for Easter with her family. I wasn't going to see her for almost a week and all of a sudden I felt lost. I fell into this deep depression where all I could think about was her again. I found post after post and related them to my situation and shared them. It got to the point where one of my best friends said to me, if you don't stop this, yo are going to loose Lisa forever. 

Hearing those words was almost to much to bare. The thought of losing Lisa for good was finally the thing that shook me out of it thanks to the words of a very wise friend who doesn't always tells me what I want to hear, but tells me what I need to hear. She was dead right. I loved her to much to lose her completely so I figured if I only have her friendship, that was enough for me compared to the alliterative. 

Since then we have rebuilt our friendship to a point that we are amazing friends and no that we each have each others back when the other one needs it. October last year Lisa needed a friend to support her, I dropped everything and was there by her side to help her through her tough time. November last year, I went through a tough time, Lisa in turn helped me through it. 

Apart of me will always love Lisa with all my heart. The day will come sooner than I prepared for that she will find that special someone who will whisk her off her feet and be the perfect one for her and I will feel a tiny bit heartbroken. Having said that, I will also be very happy for her because I know that above all else in this world, Lisa deserves to be loved for the beautiful, amazing soul that she is. My only wish is that that person loves her as much as I do and I know she will lead a beautiful happy rich life filled with  love. 

Thank you so much for you patients and understanding Lisa while I went off the rails there. You are an amazing person who I love more with each new day. I know you are about to be begin a new chapter in your life and I couldn't be more happier or prouder of you. You are now and for always be my beautiful little Sister. 

Letter to the Families that has never been seen.........(Part 10.1)

Dear Parents and Families,

I wanted to take this moment to share something with you about myself. 

A lot of you may of noticed in the last 6 months that there has been some noticeable changes in my appearance. Different clothes, longer hair and the occasional appearance of make up on me. I would like to address this with you now and try to answer any questions or doubts you may have about me. For many years since I was a child, I have had a condition called gender dysphoria. Put simply, I identify as a female not a male. Due to certain situations in my life I havn’t been able to disclose this information in the past mostly out of respect for the people around me and more out of fear for the reaction I may get as a result of doing so. 

Last year, some of you may of know that my marriage of almost 20 years broke down and as a result I’m not constricted to hide in the shadows anymore. I have the opportunity to live my life as how I believe I should of for all those years and as part of that, I wanted to include you, the families of Xxxxxxx in what is about to take place. 

Over the next few months or so I will be undertaking different measures to begin my transition including HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). This is not by any means a quick fix and will take time assuming I get approval to begin this treatment in the first place. Once treatment begins you may notice some more obvious changes as time progresses including me leaving the centre as Darren and coming back as Sharon, and dressing as a female member of staff. Rest assured my level of care towards your children will never change as a result. 

The truth is, your children are the ones that have given me the strength to make changes in my life so I can be a better educator. I love my job very much and consider it an honour and a privilege to do what I do everyday and that will never change. Backed by our amazing team at Xxxxxxx I discovered strength I didn’t even know that I possessed to be able to make this dream a reality. 

The simple fact is that we the educators, children and families are a part of a community at Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx. A pretty strong community and one that i’m very proud to be part of. With that in mind, I offer full disclosure to anyone who has any questions they may want to ask me. I’m only to happy to address any questions or concerns you may have as I know this is a huge step. Xxxxxx has suggested that if there is enough questions that we maybe able to do an information night to discuss my journey with you. 

I know at the end of the day their maybe some who will have their reservations about this and I get that. For years I asked the question, why me? The truth is, why not. This world is full of people from different walks of life and that is what makes us an amazing country full of many different cultures and diversities. In our centre alone we have families and educators who attend from all round the globe, so having a transgender educator is only going to enrich our community even more. 

I’m going to finish this up now but I wanted it also to be known, that I am Christian and have a very strong faith in God. I read my bible and try and practise living a Christian life where I can. I have had it said to me before from a very good friend of mine “I don’t believe God makes mistakes.” The truth is I don’t either, God sends us tests to test our faith at times and through all of this, the years of living a life that wasn’t my own and the years of depression that went with it….My faith in God remains strong.

Thank you for taking the time to read this today and if you have any questions what so ever. please feel free to ask me as nothing is off limits. I truly won’t be offended.

Darren (Sharon) Priestley.

What Doe's an Endocrinologist Do Anyway?........(Part 9)

Sunday 8th July 2018

Its been a couple of weeks since I sat at the computer and wrote another chapter in my journey. In my last piece, I had just moved away from my wife after being with her for the last 20 years of my life. It was a time filled with a mixture of excitement and if I'm to be totally honest with myself and my readers, a time of sadness. Obviously I was excited because I had finally received acceptance from those who I thought I'd never receive it from. Having it drummed into my head for so many years that I would be considered a freak and no one would accept me was actually a shock to my system. I also felt sadness during this time as I never expected this move to be a permanent solution to my marriage breakdown. I just kind of figured that maybe Maria would see that I was serious about having to be who I needed to be and that it wasn't just a passing phase. 

The plan was just to move into my little unit in my little gated community where I lived and live a life true to myself for the six months of my lease, where at such a time Maria will finally come around to reason and I could move back and live a life together. I was still a firm believer in the institution of marriage and that I took my marriage vows very seriously. 

For the first month or so of our separation, we actually made some positive progress in trying to fix our marriage. We opened a line of communication between us that we hadn't had in years and spent time talking about how the both of us felt. We would some times meet up at a neutral place and just sit in the car and talk for ages. I moved out of our house where we had shared a big part of our lives in July/August 2015. When September rolled around, I decided to ask her out for the day so we could celebrate her birthday together.  I was feeling positive about the steps that we had made in the way of communication and felt that it would be a nice gesture to spend the day together as I didn't want her to be alone on her birthday. 

We packed up our car with pillows, blankets and some food like we had done so many times in the past before and headed down to one of our favourite places on the Mornington Peninsula. We backed our car up to the edge of the water, opened the back of our Ford Territory, put on some nice relaxing music and climbed into the back of our car. We both made ourselves comfortable on the pillows and began talking as we looked out across the rolling waves of the ocean. 

I still remember the conversation so clearly in the back of the Territory that day. After some small talk, she looked at me and told me that there was something that she had to tell me. I remember thinking to myself that she has finally realised that we are better together than we are apart and that she wanted me to move back in. Something had clicked in her mind that yes, she can accept me for who I am like everyone else around me had done and that life could continue on happily ever after. 

What she actually told me, couldn't be further from the truth. Maria wanted to tell me that she had found someone else. That they had met and seemed to hit it off. She wasn't sure where it was heading but she thought it only fair to tell me. I suddenly felt so stupid for thinking that we still had a chance. Hardly a month after leaving her after 20 years, she was telling me that she was developing feelings for someone else. I remember saying to her at the time that I didn't expect that so quick after being together for so long. She replied with, you left me, what did you think I was going to do? Wait forever!

As with most of these Bloggs, this one has taken off in another direction from where I had planned it to go. I don't want to sit here and throw crap at my wife and have you think she is the worst person alive. That's not what this is about. I am from from perfect and I admit that I wasn't the easiest person to live with at the time going through what I was going through. Maria did what she did as a way of coping with the situation, just as I did. Do I blame her for moving on so quickly? Not really, I just wish she had made better choices with whom she moved on with and thought of the wider picture instead of impacting the lives of three other people in the process and no, I'm sorry, I'm choosing not to explain that last sentence any further because I don't want to add to those three innocent peoples pain. 

During these first few months of leaving our house, I was settling into my new unit being him during the day to the outside world and coming home and being myself at night. That was my time to feel totally at peace with myself and who I was. The living area of my house is at the back of it and is surrounded by a big tall fence. I was free to walk around without fear of being judged or persecuted. Also during this time, I had decided to go to my General Practitioner and ask him what my next step was medically. Not that I ever imagined stepping out of my house as myself, but I just wanted to be doing something positive to make myself more myself. 

I had no idea what the process was other than my brother had told me that I needed to see an endocrinologist. My Doctor was more than a little confused at first with what I was trying to tell him. He had never had a Transgender patient before and was a little lost in knowing what to do. I remember him asking me what it was that I wanted him to do. I told him that I wanted some sort of blocker to help with stopping my hair growth. For as long as I can remember, I have always hated body hair. Any opportunity I could take, I would shave it off. This also upset Maria but if I couldn't dress as the person I wanted to be, shaving the hair from my body was like a bit of a compromise which she tolerated barely. 

My Doctor told me that he needed to do some more research before he could prescribe me any form of hormonal blocker, so I left it with him a few days and made another appointment later in the week. A few days later, I was back feeling confident I was going to be walking out with a script only to be told that only an Endocrinologist can prescribe blockers for me. By total fluke my Doctor chose an Endocrinologist that specialised in helping Transgender patients and was a leader in his field. 

This was towards the end of 2015, I couldn't get an appointment with this Doctor till early 2016. It was a bit of a setback at the time because I suddenly felt momentum building, especially after hearing Maria's news that she had moved on with someone new. I guess I kind of felt, well, I need to move forward with my life the best way I can now. 2016 finally arrived, and a few weeks later I had taken the journey to Dandenong Hospital to see Dr Hunter. 

I wasn't a huge fan of Dandenong Hospital as a rule. Trying to get parking is a nightmare like I guess most Hospital's are except my preferred Hospital, Casey. Yes, I have a preferred Hospital, but odd I know but Casey Hospital has always looked after me well over the years whenever I have had to visit. 

My appointment was at the Diabetes Clinic which I thought at the time was an odd place to meet a Transgender Doctor. Before this appointment, I wasn't even sure what an endocrinologist specialist was let alone what he did so yeah, it was a bit of a learning curve. 

I sat in the waiting room having got there an hour early and spent the best part of the next hour watching people coming and going from the busy clinic. The one thing I noticed during this time was that the patients consisted mostly of older people. There was no one like me there so I must admit I felt a little uncomfortable sitting there trying to concentrate on the book I was reading and casually glancing up from the pages to see who was walking past from time to time. 

Eventually a elderly Doctor called out my name. I looked up from my book to see, as you would expect, a elderly man to match the voice calling my name. For some reason, I didn't expect that. I thought he was going to be a young hip doctor with his fingers on the pulse of modern medicine and here was this old tall skinny guy. I learnt very quickly not to judge a book by its cover. This man knew exactly what he was talking about and although I find it hard to trust the male of the species at the best of times, I felt I could trust this guy. 

Dr Hunter explained to me that I needed to see a Gender Psychologist before I could be approved for HRT or Hormone Replacement Therapy. Dr Hunter was able to prescribe me some Hormone Blockers which would help with the hair growth problem. I was on my way, things were actually happening and I could feel that my life was about to change in a way that not even I even anticipated. Every Wednesday night after work for a couple of months I would drive up to Ringwood to see my Gender Psychologist. The Psychologist was a lovely lady and I felt right at home with her straight away. She asked me all kinds of questions about my past and how I got to where I was, some of the questions I must admit I wasn't really prepared for, but I answered them. The final night I saw her she gave me some papers to fill out with even more probing questions but again I went through the process answering every question to the best of my ability till in the end she turned around and told me that this would be our last visit. 

I was a little shocked at first, I asked her if she had come to a conclusion about who I was. She looked at me and told me that it was pretty clear that I had Gender Dysphoria. I can't explain the feeling of emotion I felt at this point. Finally, I had a name for it. After so many years of not knowing what was wrong and wondering why I felt the way I did, someone had finally given me answers to my questions. This also meant that I could take the next step and begin HRT. I walked out of her office that night, went to my car parked in the clinics car-park, and let the emotion over take me. 

The next day I went into work, went into the office and told my Director that I was ready to take the next step and transition and become the woman that I was always meant to be.