Looking for love in all the wrong places.......(Part 17)

Tuesday 8th October 2019

It's certainly been a while since the last one of these, so I thought it was time to write another one. Its not that there hasn't been a shortage of material to write about, its more that life got in the way and I simply haven't had the time to write it all down. 

I guess, I should update you all on the Lara situation. As it was the last once I wrote all the back in January. Well, things were going well for a while, when I say a while, I mean about a month, then everything just sort of vanished. Lara went missing and for all intensive purposes, fell off the face of the earth. She eventually contact me to say that she had been in hospital and had no way of contacting me. After a while, the distance between had became to great and I couldn't sustain any sort of relationship with her because I needed human contact. With Lara being in another country and with me never having a chance to visit her, I decided to call it quits. Thankfully, Lara was very understanding and we still remain friends because I think she was feeling the same. 

By the time I had finally called it quits with her, another drama had taken up all of my time and effort and to be honest, I couldn't think of anyone else at the time and focused on getting through one of the biggest challenges in my life. That will be the subject of another blog at another time when I workout how to tell that story and avoid the legalities involved. 

After I came out the other side of that drama and was able to breath again, I decided to dive back into the murky world of Internet dating. What an eye opener that is. Internet dating wasn't a thing before i was married, heck, the Internet was barely a thing when I got married. Needless to say, I made a profile and sat back after going through all the hopefuls and waited and waited. Before long I had a regular procession of strange requests from people offering me all kinds of things. Now, I don't consider myself a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but some of these people were making me blush with embarrassment. A friend recently asked me what it was like with Internet dating. The only way I could describe it is, you need to pull out a lot of weeds before you find a flower hidden in the garden. To which her reply was, "But I don't like gardening". Fair call, I thought. 

I was getting requests from people wanting to hook up for a regular hook up arrangement which is not me at all. I had people wanting me to join in with their partners, again not me, swipe left on that. Then I got the scammers. These disgusting people that have nothing better to do with their lives than pray on vulnerable people like myself and feed you an amazing story and luckily, I had enough red flags and alarm bells going off that I realised what was going on. One particular girl, lets call her Esther (That is her real name so be very aware) claimed that she lived in an apartment in St.Kilda and was working under contract as a petroleum engineer. At the time, I had no idea what a petroleum engineer even did (I actually still don't) so I thought that was pretty cool. She was working in Norway and would be home at the end of October. We continued chatting and more and more things were making me suspicious but at the same time I thought, that's plausible. The fact that Norway has one of the most advanced Internet coverage in the world and she couldn't make a video call was kind of plausible. I just thought she was on some platform in the middle of the ocean looking for cheap fuel to put in my car. The fact that she began saying she loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life after a few days was plausible, because lets face it, I'm a catch........lol. The fact that she was telling me that she was getting five million dollars for the contract that she was working on and wanted to share it with me and invest in property and asked me to looking for multi-million dollar properties to invest in was plausible because i have no idea what a Petroleum engineer makes. 

The thing that did start making me wonder was one weekend she asked me if I like concerts. I told her that I did and the last one I had been to was Ed Sheeran with my friend Shelby. She immediately told me that she had met Ed when she was buying a property in the U.S. I was like, that's so cool, did you get any pics with him, she went silent for a moment and then told me that she had taken a Selie with him but it was on her old phone and that she had lost it along with Ed's number. OK, that part is plausible I guess, she wouldn't be the first to lose a mobile phone, probably won't be the last also. Then she said this, "When Ed was last over here, he came and stayed at my house with his crew". She just had to push the envelope just that little bit further. From that point on, everything just started to unravel for her. I asked if I could call her one day and she agreed to it but said that she was very shy on the phone. She told me at some point during our conversation about her American/Canadian background and I asked her if she had an accent and she told me that she had been living in Australia and had lost it over the years. Imagine my surprise when she did call she had a distinctive African accent. 

From there, the lies just kept coming. at one point she told me that she was heading to China to buy some items for her company, after the purchasing was done, she was going to have a week off and fly to Australia to see me. I was like, lets see how this pans out. Sure enough, she told me that she was in China and that she was very tired from the flight. By the second day she was telling me that she was very stressed out because the prices she was quoted for had changed and she didn't have enough money to cover the cost of what she needed (You can see where this is going already right?). I replied, why don't you just ask the company to transfer more money. After a while she told me that wasn't an option and that she would have to use her credit card and they would reimburse her when she returned. The next day she continued telling me how stressful it was and that she had a friend in the industry that agreed to give her $5000 to cover the costs. Mysteriously, that fell through and the inevitable happened. She asked me to send her $5000.......hahahahahaha. She seriously was asking the wrong girl. I replied I have nowhere near that sort of money, so she told me to send her what I had. I told her that I had enough for petrol (Notice the irony her being a petroleum engineer and all) for my car and nothing else after paying my rent and other bills and buying groceries. Then she came back with when do you get paid next. If you can send me the money for a plane flight, I can come and see you and be with you. 

It was at this point I finally said, "You can stop now, that's never going to happen but nice try. I'm done." She quickly replied, what do you mean, do you think I'm making this up. I just want to be with you. I just replied stop. 

So that was the demise of Esther and for a while there I was disheartened that all I could attracted were weirdos and scammers. I did have one successful date at least, until that fell apart three days later so back I went again to the dating sights. 

Eventually I found someone who fitted everything that I had been searching for. Someone kind, considerate and has a good heart. I'm not going to mention her by name just yet, because A. I don't want to embarrass her and B. I know that most of my friends will go looking for her and stalk her page to see what she's all about. She will read this and know who she is. At this point, that's all that matters to me because its still only early days yet and I don't wont to ruin what we already have established. Yes, I'm taking a very mature approach this time because I honestly believe that this could be something amazing and I don't wont to lose it now. We had our first date this past weekend and we connected in a way that I haven't with somebody for a very long time. This weekend coming, we are having our second date and I already know it's going to be amazing with what I have planned for us both.

This part of the blog is for you babe because I know you will be reading it as you are reading all my other blogs. Thank you so much for coming into my life and shinning your light on what has been at  times a very dark place. You have given me so much in these last couple of weeks and I look forward to what the future holds for us both moving forward. At the very least, I know I have a friend for life in you if not more. So, from the bottom of my crazy heart, thank you for bringing joy to my life once more. 

And along came Lara............(Part 16)

Sunday 20th January 2019

Well, its been 19 days since my last post and so much has happened in those last 19 days that I thought I'd better bring you all up to speed. 

I started this year by making a promise to myself that I was going to close the chapter on "Lisa" once and for all. I came to this conclusion or realisation because I honestly feared losing her as one of my best friends. She was a constant part of my life and still will be for many years to come I hope but she made it very  clear that it would never be anything more than that. 

I gave "Lisa" a card at Christmas time telling her that no matter what,  I was always going to be there for her to offer her love and support whenever she needed it without the commitment. For me to be able to move forward, I needed to try and make it clear (mostly to myself) that I needed to close that chapter in order to find someone who will be that special person in my life. As writing somehow makes it official, I chose that medium to convey this message. I once was told by a former employer that if you write  down and diarise your thoughts it actually helps you to achieve your goals. I'm not sure if this is what he had in mind when he told me but I thought I'd take a leaf out of his book and give it a shot. 

From there I set myself a goal to put myself out there as much as I can but then game the confusion again about who should be my target audience if you like. I know I'm not attracted to guys as previously stated, so that was never an option. So how do I begin this search for Miss right? 

I decided to go on an on line dating site and although I had some positive feedback, none of the matches seemed to suit the person that I knew in my heart that I wanted. As I said in my last blog, I already knew the kind of girl I wanted because I had already envisaged her through my positive thinking process. Thankfully, none of the girls on the dating site fitted the criteria that I was after so I lost hope pretty quick there. 

I then decided to search Facebook for dating pages. I found one for the LGBTQI community and decided to upload some photos and add a short bio about myself. Again, there was a little bit of interest but nothing earth shattering. One girl seemed to tick the boxes for a while and then it all seemed a little odd and some flags went up and I decided that she wasn't the one for me either. 

One morning I woke up and noticed that someone had replied simply saying "Hi". She had also sent me a friend request. I clicked into her page and looked at her pics and was straight away struck by this feeling that this girl was amazing. I couldn't quite describe it but she seemed very different from everyone else that had contacted me. I decided to do something that I wouldn't usually do, I accepted her request and sent her a message back saying "Hi". 

From this point we continued chatting for a while and getting to know each other better and over time we decided to go to the next step and have a video chat. That first video chat lasted about 5 hours. We talked so much about our hopes and dreams for the future, our likes and dislikes, what we wanted out of life and past relationships and what we were both searching for. During this time we discovered that we had so much in common from the music that we both liked to what we loved to drink. We had similar taste in movies, food and the same mutual respect for our fellow human beings regardless of race, colour, religion or sexual orientation.  

Before long I began to hear this voice inside me telling me that I think this is the girl that you have been waiting, hoping, wishing and praying for. Lara, was the girl that I had envisaged. It turns out that Lara was feeling similar feelings for me. Its kind of funny in a way, I remember thinking while I was listening to her, where have you been all of my life quickly followed by thinking that we have so much in common that its like i was starting to develop feelings for myself. That made me think of that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry discovers that the person that he has been looking for all his life is himself because the girl he was dating, was exactly the same as him. 

Lara and I decided that night that we were going to try and make a relationship work and make a commitment to each other. Ok, those of you with weak stomachs better not read this next paragraph because I'm going to get a little bit soppy. 

Since making this commitment to Lara my feelings for her have grown even more with each new day. Anyone who knows me or even works with me has witnessed a huge change in me, especially over the last week. Don't get me wrong, I have always tried to be a happy person but this past week, nothing and I mean nothing can take the smile off my face. Lara has been like a beacon of light in a sea of loneliness. She has picked me up me up and gave me the one thing in my life that I so desperately craved. I mean I have always had the love and support of those around me but it's not the same as having that person to share your inner most thoughts. Lara will sit there on the other end of the line and just stare at me with this intense look of interest in every word I say. 

One of my favourite things about Lara is her beautiful smile, without warning it will just envelop her beautiful face and brighten my screen and my heart just skips. When she laughs, she flicks her head back and this amazing joyous sound comes out of her mouth and all of a sudden its like she gets shy and covers her mouth with her hand and looks at me with her beautiful eyes and smiles with those. Her hair is amazing and I so want it. I maybe jealous of her hair but then she loves mine which astounds me. Every single thing about Lara is infectious.  She has so much going for her and at times I just stare back at her and say "Is this really happening or is it a dream that I'll eventually wake up from and I will be alone again". Lara reassures me that what is happening is real and that she's not going anywhere. 

Lara and I will face our challenges this is true. Any long distance relationship needs to e built on trust. Every relationship needs to be built on trust and if you don't have it in your partner, its destined to fail. In the case of long distance relationships because you're not seeing that person everyday, you have to believe that they are going to do the right thing. I have that level of trust in Lara to know that she won't break my very fragile heart. She has been hurt herself and let down by others as I have been and she understands the pain of what that feels like. On the same token, I wouldn't and couldn't do that to her either. As I said to Lara this morning (Oh, and if I seem to be saying the name Lara a lot it's because I just love saying her name. whether it's out aloud or just in my head I just love the way the letters dance together when you say it to form the word Lara) I was stuck in a loveless marriage for the last fifteen years of it and I didn't once cheat on her, so I'm sure not going to do that to someone I actually love and have feelings for. Yes, i went there, I love her and I'm not ashamed to admit it, Lara brings that much joy to my life as anyone who is around me enough can testify. 

Where is Lara exactly in the world I guess your wondering, well she lives in Nigeria. She works hard at her job as a beautician working some seriously crazy hours, not to mention the commute time. I will never complain about travelling 30mins to work when it takes Lara up to 2 1/2 hrs and at times up to 4 hours to get home each night by which time she is so tired that she can barely keep her beautiful eyes open long enough to hold a conversation but some how she pushes through it. 

On the most part, people have been very supportive of our relationship with some naturally concerned that maybe Lara's intentions may not be honourable. I had one friend who I want name ready to send her a message saying that she was really happy for us but if Lara hurt me she is someone who gets what she wants and would make her sorry. Thankfully the message wasn't sent and Lara only heard about the message from me. I decided to go around to my friends place to re-assure her that Lara was amazing and that we are both really in the same situation with the same vulnerabilities. For all I know she may have people telling her that I'm just trying to get her for her money. 

The sad thing is that some people do seek to exploit others vulnerabilities and by doing so make it harder for all those legitimate people looking for a soul mate. I have no such doubts that Lara's intentions are honourable as mine are with her. Not my style. During the course of my visit with my friend, Lara rang and after a few moments, I introduced her to my friend. By the end of the call she was telling me that she understood why I had fallen for her then jumped on line to check out flights from Nigeria to Melbourne. 

The simple fact is that Lara and I will have to face questions like this being asked of our relationship. It is not going to be easy but we are both committed to making this work. I have some amazing friends who have been and are currently in long distance relationships and they inspire me to know if you work at it, you can achieve it. The alternative, is to go back to being lonely again or worse still being with someone who's not the girl that I have developed such strong feelings for. I'm not about to lose Lara because it all gets to hard. I have always fought for things I believe in whether it be social injustice or just sticking up for a friend when they need support, that's just who I am and as a result, sometimes I do get taken advantage of. As sad as it is to admit, I'm becoming very good at reading the signs that someone is taking advantage of me and I maybe blinded by my feelings but I'm going to go on record here and say that Lara is not that person. 

In conversations with Lara, never has she ever brought up the subject of money....ever. If anyone has, its been me by admitting to her that I don't have any thanks to the debt I'm in from my marriage. In hindsight, by me saying that, that could of set off alarm bells in her head but she simply replied "It doesn't matter, don't worry". Another obstacle or challenge we will have to face is trying to keep our relationship on a low profile where Lara is concerned, sadly in Nigeria, same sex relationships are illegal and you carries a 14 year jail sentence. Someone like me, a transgender female potentially could be thrown in jail, rapped and beaten. That prospect scares the life out of me. To know that I could never travel to Lara's country to see where she grew up, went to school or even meet her friends and family actually makes me sad. The only way that we can see each other and be safe to be ourselves is if she came here to visit, so together, that is our goal. 

Lara and I have come together for a reason, whether it was God, the power of positive thinking or just fate, we are in each others lives for a reason and I look forward to making every minute of every day count with this beautiful girl. Lara, thank you so much for sending me that simple "HI" that one word has changed both of our lives forever. I look forward to a long and loving friendship, relationship and who knows whatever else the future has in store for us. The only thing that is certain is the love I have for you which is honest, respectful and all enveloping. 

During a conversation this morning, Lara blew me away yet again by sending me a song. Not only did she play it, but she sung it to me, it was the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever done for me. Yes, there was tears involved. Lara has so many amazing talents and singing is just another one to add to the ever increasing list of things that I love about her. 

Love you girl. 

Reflections of...........(Part 15)

Tuesday 1st January 2019

Let me kick this first post of the year off with Happy New Year to all of my amazing readers. I hope 2019 brings you all the joy, love and happiness that the year can provide. I would also like to thank you all for being apart of my journey and again thank you all for all the amazing feedback that you send me on my previous posts. You truly inspire me to keep this going. 

As any Educator will tell you, reflections are just another part of life. We do them Daily, Weekly, Monthly as well as some do them by the School term or by the year. Its a chance for us to reflect on what we have done, what worked and what didn't and how we to tweak it a bit to make it better. Its also a chance to set individual and group goals to try an achieve over a certain time frame. 

Over the past couple of years I have written down a few words of what I want to achieve for the New Year and do my best to stick by them as much as possible. Last year my goals were to let go of all the things that were holding  me back from being the best that I could be. I began by letting go of all of the negativity of the past and all the clutter out of my life. No more emotionally draining friendships where it was always all one way. You know the kind, where you always there for someone when they need to unload but when you need someone, their never there. 

I also began to believe in the power of positive thinking which led me to the law of attraction. Basically, if you surround yourself with positivity you will actually attract more positivity. I began to envisage a future where all i had to do was think about something I needed and eventually it would happen. 

A great example of this was when my good friend Narcisa and I went into a shop one day. It was a crystal shop, in the past I have avoided these sorts of places but due to my love of all things purple, I wanted to see what Amethyst stones they had. While looking through the shop, I came across a group of figurines cut out of various stones. One of the designs was of Ganesha, the Indian God that is said to bestow great wisdom and fortune upon its followers. I remember thinking that this would be a perfect gift for one of my Best Friend's Mandeep. 

Mandeep who I have spoken about previously, is my sister who introduced me to Indian culture and along with her fellow educators, kind of adopted me as one of their own. Ganesha was all over the shelf and I thought I wish there was a purple one because it made it all that more personal coming from me. Out of nowhere, a purple one appeared on the shelf that seriously wasn't there beforehand. I told my friend Narcisa what had just happened and I don't think she believed me straight away until I said, I wish there was another purple one so we could have a matching pair. All of a sudden Narcisa started laughing and eventually said, OMG, there's one right here. She picked it up and showed it to me. I replied, that so wasn't there before because I looked over every one of them. Narcisa agreed and from then on became a converted believer in the law of attraction. 

My developing friendship with Narcisa over the past year was probably one of the many big positives to come out of the year. Walking away from the negative influences in my life, gave me a chance to focus on more positive people. Narcisa is a girl I worked with at a previous centre and a mutual friend of my other friend Maida. The three of us teamed up throughout the year for catch ups and a comedy show in the city. We also did things separately. For Narcisa and I it was our road trips. We'd just decide that we were going for a drive, jump in the car with some snacks and just drive. 

It wouldn't matter if we were heading to somewhere close by like the Dandenong's or as far as Ballarat to visit Sovereign Hill, it was always a great day out just laughing at the silliest things and the funniest situations. It was great for us both just to spend some time away from the normality of our lives and take a chance to live in the moment. Some of our funniest moments were me telling Narcisa where we were headed and have her try to pronounce the name of our destination. The beautiful town of Warburton got absolutely butchered by Narcisa and remains a running joke to this day. This year I'll be looking for more places with Narcisa with even more complicated names. Places such as Eildon, Walhalla and Echuca are all places to be considered for this year. Thank you Narcisa for being such an amazing sport to endure my warped sense of humour but as you witnessed on Christmas Day, it came from somewhere. 

Also last year I became more acquainted with some of the families of the children I had in my care from the previous year. At the end of 2017 I met two amazing twins that went on to shape one of the most amazing friendships of 2018. Robyn is the twins Mum and and an unbelievable source of inspiration to me. It all came about when I went to the twins house for a visit after work one Friday night and to say it was very clear that they had missed me was an understatement. They dragged me from one end of the house to the other eager to show off their rooms. Then came the birthday parties which were amazing. I offered myself to Robyn as a babysitter anytime she wanted and thankfully her and her Husband Rob took me up on the offer. One night Robyn told me that she needed some "Sharon time" so I invited her around to my place for a catch up. We got to talking about our Careers over a bottle of wine and how I wanted to take mine to the next step. Robyn suggested I begin writing a blog. Who would want to read my story? was my reply. Robyn told me that I shouldn't underestimate how many people would actually be interested. The next day, I wrote my first blog. To date I have 376 combined members over my two pages. This coming year brings more of my journey and things that I want to focus on in the future. 

Although this year was all about positivity and gaining a new prospective, I once again became acquainted with the black hole of depression. For like a month in July, I lost perspective of everything and struggled to regain it for a while. I was sailing along so well that I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants thinking I don't need these anymore and I basically fell in a heap. Thankfully, my strong network of support managed to drag me back from the edge and I continued on. Wasn't one of my finest moments but it was a reminder that I still have a way to go. 

I also finally decided to stop feeling guilty and responsible for my wife Maria (much to the sounds of thunderous applause from my friends). I finally came to this conclusion after she found yet another way to hurt me not once but twice. This particular time was extremely vindictive so I decided to basically cut her from my life all together. I blocked her from social media and blocked her mobile number so she couldn't contact me again. I finally felt free from her grasp and knew that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me again. 

Sadly this year there was a couple of deaths in the later part of the year which hit me quite hard. Firstly there was my Brother in law who passed away and because of me blocking Maria's number on my phone, I didn't get to hear about till two weeks after the fact by seeing it on Facebook. As soon as I realised what had happened, I contacted the family and thankfully was able to attend the funeral. I did expectantly run into Maria with her new partner which was more than a little awkward but we made it through without to much drama. The second person to pass this year was my Uncle. He was an amazing and kind human being who I admired a lot. Sadly over his last few years I hadn't seen him for a while and unfortunately due to work commitments, wasn't able to attend the funeral. I take comfort now that both of these relatives are in a much better place where pain can no longer hurt them. 

One of my biggest and hardest decisions came around June for me. I made the move to an amazing centre in November of 2017. I Co-Room led the Kinder room with the amazing and talented Mandeep who I have spoken to at great lengths in a previous post. I was their to fill in for the Kinder teacher who was on maternity leave. By the time she returned I was the Educational Leader for the centre and implementing some huge changes in the way we did programing and documentation. This was a role I really enjoyed and the experience was invaluable. I was asked to go to fill in at another centre one day and I accepted and went. From the moment I walked in the door, I was blown away. The wow factor of this centre was huge. 

Within two weeks, I had made the decision to move to this new centre after they offered me a position. It wasn't easy to leave one of my best friends and the people who excepted me as one of their own but necessary for my own growth. Within a week of being at my new centre I was offered the position as room leader for the 2-3  room and with my two amazingly talented assistants made our room the best it could be. This year I have been offered an exciting new role within the company that will see me reach goals that I have been working on for a while now. It will give me the opportunity to help shape our amazing centre for the future. 

This year I also had the extreme pleasure of being apart of four very special birthday parties. The first one was Phoebe, then came Hugh and Isla. After that it was time for two special girls who I have known since they were the age of 3-4 and I had them in my care at the centre I was working at. This year, we celebrated their 10th Birthday with all of their Kinder friends from the same year. In November I headed to Sydney to help celebrate another special birthday. Once again I had this child in my centre. She was in the nursery room and her and I built a bond that has seen me last year drive to Sydney to help celebrate her 8th birthday party. I have said it before but I'm am so blessed and humble at the fact that I have been allowed to be such a big part of my kids lives. 

My friends list over the past year has grown dramatically as I have met so many new amazing people. People I work with at my new centre, friends that I met over the year and the families of the children I tutor who have become friends also. 

This year I want to focus on meeting more new people and hopefully find the girl of my dreams. I have envisaged her already, she will be amazing, kind and caring. She will have a beautiful heart and a loving soul and we will complete each others lives in every way. I'm also going to keep culling the negativity out of my life so nothing can hurt me again. I'm going to continue to write blogs, posting posts and fighting for Transgender people everywhere. My life is a life of love and acceptance and I believe if I keep pushing that message of love, public opinion will have to make the change accept that LGBTQI people are just people. 

I have also decided that I'm going to find the courage at some point to walk back into Church. I have missed the fellowship with others and could use the guidance and direction of where God wants me to take this journey in the future.

Oh, and one more thing before I end this. This morning I made a promise to my longest best friend in the world. With a friendship lasting over 30 years and surviving two broken marriages I promised that before June this year I will come up to visit her. Rutha, I can't wait to see you soon.

So this is where I end this one, I would like to thank you all for your continued support of this page. Please feel free to share it to anyone who you think may benefit from its words. Also, if you have any questions that you want to ask me about my journey thus far, please feel free to inbox me from my Facebook page. Once again, I would like to wish everyone the brightest and glitter filled New Year possible. 

Sharon

It"s Always Been A Matter Of Trust.......(Part 14)

Saturday 29th December 2018

I guess you could say I have been taking a break over the last few months so I could concentrate on my day job. I have also been working on a few new ideas for posts that will be coming up over the coming weeks and months so rest assured this journey is far from over. To every that continues to send me messages of support, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will continue to enjoy these posts. To the people who have just discovered these, welcome aboard this wild ride that is my life. Please feel free to go back and checkout some of my earlier posts that you will find on my home blog page or by accessing them through my Facebook home page for the Inclusive Educator. 

Today I wanted to take you back when I was a child and take you through some events that have shaped my life into the person I am today. Please understand this may not be easy to read some of this due to some of the content involved and a some of it I havn't had the courage to speak about before to many if any people. 

I have always had an issue in my life with trust. Sometimes I trust people to easy and get hurt quite a bit as a result. Males I have also struggled to trust. I have tried in the past to trust them, but more often than not, they betray that trust. I'm not saying all males are like this because it's simply not true. Its just something I personally have a problem with because of past experience. In my life now, I have really only one male friend and he only became that way because he is married to one of my best friends. He is the reason that I still have faith in males as a species. He is an amazing husband to my friend and is a loving and supportive Dad to his children and has excepted me into his family "Village" with a huge amount of trust associated with that. 

Sadly, that wasn't always to be the case along my journey. Heading back to school, I always found it hard trying to relate to the boys in my class. As I grew up in the country, most of them all had farming backgrounds or were great at sports whether it be athletics, football or basketball. They mostly talked about cars, farm machinery or sport. None of which interested me. As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I know nothing about cars and I have no sporting ability what so ever. Sure, I tried basketball and loved it but I was more out there to force the fouls. Most games I would just get fouled off and spend the remainder of the game on the bench. I was involved in Little Athletics and never one a race, best I ever achieved was I came second last in a race and that was because the guy I was competing against had an artificial leg after he lost part of it inside a combine harvester. He was affectionately known as Plug for this reason I guess. We were doing a 400 hundred meter run and coming down the last 100 meters Plugs leg came loose from its bindings and fell off. All Plug could do was hop down towards the finishing line and it was during this time I passed him along the straight. You would have thought I had actually won the race I was that excited. 

I was once asked back in primary school, what did I want to be when I grew up. I thought for a while and came up with these three answers. I want to be a cook, an VFL Footballer or a truck driver. Two of these things had no chance of ever coming into fruition but I didn't want to sound like I was to much of a girl around all the testosterone that was around even in primary school. In reality, boys interests didn't interest me so it was more of a defence mechanism to try and not standout to much. At this stage in my life, I had pretty much put it all together in figuring out who I was. 

I was a Cub Scout when I was younger also. Along with many of the children in my class. I actually enjoyed putting on the uniform and heading off every Wednesday night (for memory) to participate in learning bush skills and helping the community. Bob a Job time was a personal favourite as I got to go out and do things to help others and get a donation for doing it. During this time it was announced that we would be having a weekend away to some place near by where we will be camping and doing some rock climbing and abseiling. This sounded like a great adventure to me although I had no idea what abseiling was but I was willing to give it a go. 

Who in their right mind, jumps off a cliff face backwards tied to a flimsy piece of rope. Oh my goodness, was I in for a rude shock. I remember standing on that rock face scared out of my shoes. I'm not sure how I completed the jump, but somehow I did and actually loved it. That night we were all in our tents. I was sitting there very proud that I had actually found the courage to do this thing when two guys from the neighbouring tent asked me if I wanted to come over to their tent for a bit. I thought, might as well because I was by myself in my tent so I headed over to their tent. I had known these two guys for quite a while now, we had attended the same school since we began our schooling life so it was a fair enough assumption that I would be ok. Sadly I was wrong, upon entering the tent, one of them tried to pull down my pants and sexually assault me while the other one sat in front laughing at me. 

I was so scared, I was trapped in a situation that I didn't even know was possible. I was extremely naive back then and had little to no knowledge of what was happening other than I knew it wasn't right. To give you an idea of exactly how naive I was back then, I actually didn't even realise that boys and girls had different body parts. Apart from girls having breasts, I didn't know there was even a difference. I just knew I preferred being around girls to guys. I remember asking my mother once "When a baby is born, how do they tell if its a boy or girl?" I was quite intrigued about it and wanted to know how this was achieved. My Mother gave me a look like Seriously followed up closely by "Go ask your Father". Can't remember if I asked him in the end, I think the look of disbelief kind of put me off the idea. 

That night I went back to my tent and lay there in my sleeping bag wondering what had happened. I was upset for allowing myself to trust these two guys who had done some pretty ordinary things in the past but I thought or hoped that they had moved on a bit. I decided never to tell anyone because I wasn't even sure what to say. So it was decided, I didn't tell the Cub leaders or my parents or anyone else. I have blocked it out till now. It was all about self preservation for me at the time, I just figured that no one would believe me anyway. 

That was probably where my distrust for males began. After that time it was just one thing after another. I had one child decided that it would be fun to humiliate me further in front of a group of friends. He decided that it would be fun to pee on me, so, without warning. He pulled it out and started peeing on my leg. This happened at my own house. Thankfully my Dad found out about this one and dealt with the situation. Again I was like confused wondering why me. 

A few years later after being tormented about my scar on my mouth from when I was born and the children at school coming up with their own version of events why it was split. Apparently I was giving oral sex to my Father and he split my mouth. I wasn't even sure what oral sex was then but leave it to the kids at my school to tell me exactly what it was. I was so disgusted and ended up telling my Aunt at first who was staying with us and then went on to tell my Dad. 

It was about this time that I discovered that the guy had been calling Dad all my life wasn't actually my Father. Apparently my biological Father dropped me off with my Mum at my Grandparents place claiming that no son of his could turn out like I was not long after bringing me home from the hospital. It turns out I had a few complications during birth including a Hair Lip which is why to this day I still bare the scare of my birth. He went onto imply that my Mother must of been with someone else to create me. With the help of my newly discovered Step-Dad, we tried to track him down to see if he was willing to see me but he refused. 

Although my relationship with my Step-Dad wasn't always smooth sailing, I had a lot of respect for him for what he has done for me over the years. He took me to countless specialist trips to Melbourne to try and help me with numerous different medical conditions that appeared over the years. The mere fact that we moved to the county in the first place was primarily so I could have a better chance at life because I had breathing issues in Melbourne. In short, he was and is the only person that I have called Dad and although I don't say it often enough, I love and respect everything he has done for me. 

On a side note, we achieved a huge milestone together on Christmas Day. My Dad after struggling to get his head around it for the last couple of years called me Sharon for the first time ever. This was a huge step because for 46 years years he has always known me as Darren (arghhhh, still hate that name) but I'm proud to say, he is getting there. It made my day so thank you Dad. It meant more than you will ever realise. 

Moving through on through school, I continued to go under the radar but at the same time I desperately craved friendships with anyone. I started to act out in class, sort of become the class joker just to get laughs but more often than not it would just wind up with me in a world of trouble. One class I never messed around in was Home Economics. My passion for cooking hadn't died and it was one of the only things in my life that brought me joy. My teacher at the time was Mrs Oldfield. She was amazing and truly an inspiration for me. She was kind with her time and always supportive and helpful. She was the kind of teacher that I hope I am today with my children. 

Eventually, it was time to move back to Melbourne as work was drying up in the country. People were leaving, businesses were closing and moving back to Melbourne was the only option for some. My respiratory system was a lot stronger now so it was all systems go. I was initially excited about heading to Melbourne. A fresh start for me at a new school would hopefully allow me to reinvent myself. Sadly that wasn't to be. The same old stuff that was happening at my old school was beginning to happen all over again. I was different and everyone sensed that and once again I became the scapegoat for anyone who felt like paying out on me. 

I found refuge once again with the girls in my class and they were supportive. The guys all had something to prove to one another. To the guys you fell under one of the following categories. You were either Gay, a Virgin, a nerd or one of them. I got classified as a Virgin. Didn't even know what that was back then but because I wore a white skivvy, that was my category. I didn't know whether to be offended or honoured. The truth is, I was but I didn't know it at the time. 

I ended up leaving school at the first opportunity I had. I went to work in a scrap metal yard which was horrific. It was my first job and it was a means to an end to get me out of the schooling system. From there I went to work for Coles as a trolley pusher. Hated that also. My real passion remained with cooking. By this stage I had collected so many cook books and begin to write my own recipes that I needed to do something to make it happened. 

I ended up getting a job at the Western Port Hotel in Hastings as a kitchen hand on the weekends. Saturday nights I would wash a mountain of dishes but on Sunday, I would go back into the kitchen and get to do some prep work with the Chefs. I loved this so much and it gave me some great experience but sadly, I didn't have a licence at the time and had to rely on my Dad to get me there but that wasn't always feasible so I left.

I ended up getting work in a restaurant in my home town as a kitchen hand. I was so excited to be working in a proper restaurant that specialised in French cuisine. To me I had made it finally. This was where my career was going to take off. Starting at the bottom I was going to learn everything I could, get my apprenticeship and become a Chef. The first Monday night I worked was very quite. Hardly anyone in the restaurant so it was a good opportunity to sample some food. First up was the garlic snails otherwise known as Escargot. I discovered then and there all about the concept of mind over matter. I put the snail in my mouth and thought this is actually quite good then my mind lost its control and thought about how when it rains, the snails come up out of the garden and sit on the footpaths and if you're not careful, pretty soon you will hear the crunching of shells under foot. It was about then during the thought process that I had to spit it out and dry desperately not to gag. I apologised to the Head Chef and he laughed it off much to my relief. A little later in the night, it had gone totally dead and we were the only two left in the kitchen. 

It was during this time that the Head Chef asked if I was with anyone. I wasn't at the time and I said no. He asked me if I was interested in anyone. I replied "Only Maddona". The truth is I loved Maddona so much. I so wanted to be her. She was everything I wish I could have been back then. Sexy, loved and wanted. 

The Chef seemed happy with this revaluation so I went onto tell him about the limited addition of Playboy that I had with Madonna in it. Now, have to explain something here. Back then, any poster, book or item of clothing that mentioned Madonna, I wanted. I even  knew people going to the Melbourne show and asked them if they would bring me back two Maddona showbags. I had pictures of her all over my walls and room. I had her albums and videos, I even took the day off one day just so I could head into Melbourne to be one of the first to see Desperately seeking Susan, Maddona's first ever movie. I was absolutely in love with her. It seemed a perfectly thing to have a copy of that edition of Playboy to add to the Maddona memorabilia. 

The Chef asked if he could see it. I told him yes and he said while its quite, do you want to get it knowing that i lived nearby. I said sure, so I set off on my bike to collect the much talked about copy of Playboy.  Upon my arrival back at the restaurant, he had a quick flick through it and placed it on the bench. He asked me to point out which were my favourite shots of her. I turned and opened up the pages to where Maddona appeared and the Chef came up behind me, took down my pants and proceeded to sexually assault me there in the kitchen of a deserted restaurant. Once again, I was scared and not knowing what to do. Had I brought this on myself by grabbing the magazine or did he just prefer young children. I wasn't even 18. Although their was no penetration, it still made me feel sick having him rub himself up against me. I was sad and confused. My dream job had turned into a nightmare. 

After he had finished he told me that he was going away for the weekend and wanted me to come along. I was worried what this would involved but also scared if I didn't go that I would loose my job and this was already my fourth since leaving school so I didn't want to go home and say that I'd lost another job. I told him that I would ask my Parents if I could go. I didn't know what else to say. As it turned out, I asked permission to go and quite rightfully they said no. Probably the first time in my life that I was happy to have a no. I went back the next day and told him i wasn't allowed to go and within the week I no longer had a job working in the hospitality field. 

I told myself there and then that I would never go back to working in kitchens again. I could never allow myself to fall into a situation like this again and leave myself open and vulnerable. It also fuelled my distrust in males. Didn't want to have to deal with another one again. I tried telling someone about this story once and it was met with a response of "Oh", like i was only telling them for shock purposes. No one makes this stuff up, its real and it happens to women all the time. Some guys think they have the right to take advantage of someone they see as weaker than them. No one has a right to treat another human being in this way. I am a strong advocate for saying no to any form of violence against women. Be it verbal, physical or emotional. I have been through all of it myself in my life and I'm willing to take a stand and tell guys that they need to do a better job. 

I started off by saying that this will not be an easy one to read and it shouldn't be given the content. We should feel very uncomfortable about Sexually assault and find a way to show the perpetrators of this that their few moments of joy can ruin someone's life and no one has that right to hold that power over you.

Sharon

Do you know I have an Indian background, yeah, I have a lot of Indian Sisters............(Part 13)

Saturday 22nd September 2018

Well, here we are again ready to document yet another chapter in this journey of mine. Its Saturday night and I have been ready to  post this one for a while now but wanted to get the wording right in my head before committing it to immortality here in blog form. 

This part of the journey is about my final days at the centre that I called home for five and a half years. One of the hardest decisions I ever had to face in my life but a decision that as hard as it was necessary to my growth in becoming the best Educator that I could become. 

This time a year ago, I was a room leader in a Junior Kinder room. I had been appointed the room leader of the room after the previous room leaders decided to step down from the room. I had been in the Kinder room where I had followed my children up from the previous year as their room leader. As I didn't have my Bachelor In Early Education, I became an assistant to the Kinder Teacher at the time. Going from room leading to being an assistant again is difficult for most Educators and I for one struggled with the concept as I had a totally different teaching style to the appointed Kinder Teacher so when the opportunity to head back into my own room came along, I leaped at it. 

It was nice to be back in my original room where I set about making it mine once more. Once again I was getting the positive feedback from the families that I was used to and I was really enjoying working with our new Interim management team. Our centre was going through it's own transition and I remember it being an exciting time for my centre. This centre had been my home for a very long time and I honestly felt like I was apart of something special making our centre even more exciting than what it had been previous. 

In that first month I learnt so much from our interim management team about more effective programming and documentation. We had weekly room leader meetings where we shared ideas amongst other members and I remember it being a happy and positive time.  I had decided to take a couple of weeks off to re-charge a bit. I always hated having to much time away from my kids and as a rule would at some point inevitably drop by for a visit to see them during my time off. Any longer than two weeks away would send me off the deep end. 

I eventually came back to work and found myself only a few weeks later away from work again and in hospital after a gall bladder removal. The pain was horrific and I remember thinking what on earth is happening to me. The pain was on the right side of my chest so I had a good feeling that it wasn't my heart so that at least put my mind a rest a bit, and after a few tests discovered that my gall bladder was in danger of rupturing which wasn't ideal, so it was decided to remove it. 

Funny story. While I was in emergency, I was called over to the triage window and she pushed the button under the next to allow me to come through and sit in her office. The Nurse asked me about the pain and I gave her a letter from my GP requesting that I was to be admitted straight away. The Nurse went through asking me the standard questions, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would describe the pain at the moment?" Well, at this stage I would consider it a high 8-9 sort of pain. "Where abouts is the pain right now?" Well, its kind of centred around this area here, as I pointed to the area just under my right breast. She then asked me to describe the pain and I replied It hurts so much. "OK, are you on any medication at the moment?" I always dreaded this because I always struggled with the names of the medication I was on and usually did that thing where you try and give it a red hot go and wait for the Doctor/Nurse to correct you with the right answer. 

"Well I'm on Carzameeezapain for my Epilepsy" The Nurse corrects me and says "Carbamezepine", "Yeah, that one as well as Citalopram for Depression. I'm also on Astovastin." "Do you mean Atorvastatin?" "Yeah, the one for my cholesterol, and of course I'm on Hormones which is the Microgynon." The Nurse look over at me and asked "Why are you on Hormones for?" I looked back at her and I replied really. She looked at me for a few moments and said "Ohhh, I'm sorry, I thought you were taking them to help you through Menopause". all of a sudden the biggest smile spread across my face and I replied, "If I wasn't in so much pain right now, I'd walk over and give you a hug right now". I kind of got the feeling I made her day, I know she made mine. Later that day while I was having an x-ray done, the technician asked me the same questions and then added an extra question. "Before we do the x-ray, is there a chance you maybe Pregnant". Again I smiled and replied, "Not much chance but I appreciate you asking". 

I was off for three weeks recovering and finally got my clearance to go back to work with the stipulation that I couldn't lift over 5kgs. I thought that it wasn't going to be a problem so very excitedly I got ready to go back to work after being away from my kids for the last three weeks. I walked in happy and relieved to be back only to find out that because of the lifting restrictions, I wasn't able to return for my own safety. So I had to wait another 2 weeks before returning to work. I went home feeling so dejected that I couldn't even see my kids for fear they may of jumped on me and damaged me in some way. 

In total with the holiday I had and the operation recovery time I was off work for 7 weeks. When I did finally get back I felt lost, my best friend and the person I relied on being there each day to cheer me up was gone. I felt that loss so much knowing that I wasn't going to see Maida's happy smiling face greeting me each day left me feeling empty. I had been away from my kids for so long and found it hard to find my grove again. The centre was heading in a new direction with a new full time Director now and I just felt lost. So, I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever had to make. I decided that maybe it was time for me to head off in a new direction myself. 

One thing worried me about the whole thing, moving to a new centre meant that I had to start all over again building those relationships and bonds with families. How would they receive me? Would they accept me or reject me? How was this going to work? 

I decided the only way to find out was to update my resume and head out and cold canvas some other centres in my local area. One of these centres was approximately 9 minutes from home and was only two years old. It was close to the local school which was great because I could pick up my girls from school after work. 

One day after returning home from work, I received a call from a very bubbly young lady called Hayley. She had left a message asking me to give her a call regarding coming for a chat. I rang her back and arranged to meet her on the Friday. I can't explain it, although my confidence was low after the last couple of months and I felt that I had lost something, I knew that I had this Job. Something was telling me not to stress, that I had this. I walked in early as always, a bit of a trait of mine. I hate being late for anything so I will be that one that arrives somewhere 30 minutes early every time. I walked in confident and introduced myself to the lady behind the counter. She explained to me that Hayley hadn't arrived as yet but shouldn't be to far away. I took a seat and waited while looking at some of the literature on offer to read through about the centre. 

It wasn't long before I met this amazing lady known to me as Hayley. She was a powerhouse of energy at the same time claiming that she wasn't a morning person. She was bright, bubbly and set me at ease straight away with her relaxed yet professional manner. Hayley asked me to take a seat beside her and we started to chat about my experience and my passion for the work I do. While I was answering her questions, Hayley was thumbing her way through my portfolio which had my Resume, Qualifications as well as some sample documentation that I had written. Hayley stopped one of the pages that contained my Diploma and all of a sudden had a puzzled look on her face. I thought I'd fill that gap by saying, yes, sadly at this point my Certificates are in my old name not my new one but if you have a look further you will see I have included my birth certificate as well which reflects my name change. She looked up at me and I said to her, you do realised I'm transgender don't you. She suddenly smiled a huge beaming smile as I waited nervously for some sort of response. Hayley told me that she hadn't realised but she was so excited and happy to meet me. 

It was about this time that the front door behind me opened up and I heard this huge gasp from behind me. I quickly turned around to see one of my parents from a few years beforehand from my old centre. She ran towards me and gave me the biggest hug and very excitedly asked if I was getting a job at the centre. I replied "Well, I'm not sure but I'm kind of in the middle of an interview here to find out". With that, my ex-parent walked straight over to Hayley, still holding me and said to her, "You have to hire this girl, she is amazing and I wouldn't trust my child to anyone else but her". With that she let go, gave me another hug, wished me good luck and headed off with her child to her room. I looked over at Hayley and smiled feeling very good about myself and re-took my position in the chair opposite Hayley. Hayley then looked over at me and said, "That went pretty well for you didn't it." I replied , "Yeah, couldn't have planned that better if I tried." 

I think that was the moment she decided that she wanted me on the team. She asked me if I was interested in doing a trial day for her at some point. I told her my whole day was free today so I would be more than happy to work the day for her. I could tell she was like wow, didn't expect that. Pretty soon I was introduced to the amazing Yolanda. Yolanda was the 2nd in charge and just the most beautiful soul that you would ever want to meet. As soon as I met her I knew I was going to get along very well with her. 

I moved around a lot that first day from room to room and each room I went into, the same thing happened. Within a few minutes, every child in the room was standing or sitting around me talking to me. I remember being in the Kinder yard at one point through that day and saw out of the corner of my eye, a group of educators lined up along the fence looking at me interacting with the children. At this stage I had them hanging off me like they had known me for years. One of the educators at the fence called to me, "Omg, look at them. They love you. They wont leave your side." another one said, " I don't get it." I asked them what they meant. "The educator told me they love you that much that there climbing all over you and you only just met them, they don't even do this to us and we have known them for ages." I couldn't help but smile and reply that "It's always been the same way, I can't explain what it is but it happens every time". 

At the end of that first day, I went back to the office satisfied that I had done the best I could do and had an awesome day in the process. I asked both Hayley and Yolanda if they had had any feedback from the staff. Hayley told me that one of the staff told her that they may need to lift there game after witnessing my interactions over the day. Hayley offered me the job then and there telling me that she had made her mind up earlier and the feedback that she was getting just sealed the deal. I was so excited.

Within that first week of working at my new centre, Hayley told me that I she wanted to put me in the Kinder room to cover the Kinder teacher who was about to go on maternity leave. The plan was that I was going to co-run the Kinder room with another educator called Mandeep. I was so excited to be back in the Kinder  room as a room leader again. The Friday before I started in the Kinder room, I went into cover the Kinder Teacher for her break. The children were sitting on the mat and Mandeep was organising Afternoon tea for the children. I walked in, sat down on the mat, introduced myself to them and just did my thing. Within minutes, they were laughing with me and telling me about themselves. I started singing silly songs with the children and basically took over. 

When the break was over and the Kinder Teacher returned back to the room which was only ten minutes in total the children were asking me to stay and begging me not to go. I only went as far as the next room which was the Junior Kinder room which adjoined the kinder room. While I was in there doing another break I heard a little voice saying "Mum, you have to come and meet Sharon, she's so funny and sings silly songs". The Mum came over to me and introduced herself as Robyn and she told me that she was told she had to come and meet me. The little girl who stood by her was smiling so much and you could tell, something special had just taken place in her life and she wasn't about to let that feeling go. I'm happy to say that although that little girl has moved onto school now with her twin brother, she still has this amazing reaction whenever she See's me. Robyn has gone on to be one of my amazing friends and a huge inspiration to me and the main reason why I started these blogs in the first place. Robyn ended up at my place one night and we were talking about what an amazingly powerful tool the Internet is for raising your profile and anyone one with a half decent idea can turn anything into something special with some work. Robyn was the one who inspired me to blog about my journey, so thank you so much Robyn for believing in me and allowing me to be apart of your families journey. 

The following day, Saturday, there was to be a working bee at the centre. As usual, I arrived to early and set to work in my new room cleaning tables and chairs before starting on cleaning the shelving.  While I was moving around the room, I was soon joined by my co-room leader Mandeep. Mandeep said good morning to me as she set to work helping me to dust and clean the shelves. This was my first chance to talk to her without having the children around. I pretty much started the conversation by apologising for taking over  the mat time from the day before. It really wasn't my intention at the time, but it just sort of happened. Mandeep told me not to worry that it was ok and it gave her a chance to organise the fruit for afternoon tea. 

Mandeep and I spent our time in the room that day getting to know each other and laying the foundations to what has became a bond that will continue on for many years to come. When I arrived at this centre, I was broken, I was lost and didn't know if I could continue doing what I love so much. Mandeep picked me up, dusted me off and re-ignited that fire in me that made me remember why I love this job so much. Mandeep is one of the most kindest and most considerate people I have ever met. Her and the rest of the girls at our end of the building adopted me as one of their own and made me feel wanted, appreciated and very loved. Over the course of those first six months working together we became like family. Mandeep quickly became not only one of my best friends but my Sister. The very first day talking to her alone in the room I was actually worried that she may not accept me or have same reservations about working with me because of who I am but she put me at ease straight away that day just by talking to me. I remember one night we had a staff meeting and I told her that there wasn't much point in me going home after work then coming back for the meeting so I'd probably stick around for the hour before the meeting started doing some things in the room. Mandeep had finished at 3:30. Did the school pick up, went home, organised her children, cooked dinner for the family and brought some to work in a container for me because she was concerned that by the time I got home after the meeting that it would be to late to eat and she didn't want me to go hungry. 

Mandeep is just a beautiful soul full of so much love and compassion for her fellow humans and nothing is an effort for her. As we worked more and more together in the room we became almost synced to each others thinking pattens. The amount of times that I would say to the Mandeep, how about we do this, Mandeep would be like, I was just thinking of doing the same or vice verso. We had so many similar ideas that it became almost like a running joke. "Of course you were thinking the same as I was because we are Sisters." We spent that whole six months laughing, thinking similar thoughts if not the same ones and teaching some amazing children who meant the world to both of us. 

The both of us were so proud working with our amazing kids and watching them work so hard to get their dance steps right that Mandeep had choreographed with the help of her daughter for the graduation concert at the end of the year. Santa Claus is coming will always hold special meaning to me now after that night and the following days for approximately 5 times a day throughout the whole month of January. 

Mandeep, I can never stress to you enough how much you helped me and saved me from making a terrible mistake like almost walking away from this amazing life experience after feeling that I had lost my way. Like a beacon in a dark night, you showed me the way again and helped me see that I still have so much to give. You accepted me whole heartily as did your amazing family. One of my proudest moments was having the opportunity of watching you become an Australian citizen. You wouldn't have seen it, but i had tears in my eyes when you received your certificate but hey, your probably not surprised knowing that I cry at most things. You invited me to your home, you showed me how to cook like an Indian, dress like an Indian and showed me how to respect others with love and compassion like the way you were taught to. 

A short 8 months later, it was time for me to make another tough decision. Do I stay and be content with only seeing you in the hallways or over the fence or do I take a huge risk and move centres once again. The centre I'm moving to is bigger, more chance for advancement yet its further away from home and I don't see you and the rest of those amazing girls who are like family to me. I still have to admit I miss you all so very much and the amazing kids and families that I had to leave behind from both centres still hold a very special place in my heart. I know that we are still connected and will always be throughout life. God puts people in our lives for a reason and he knew what he was doing when he put you Mandeep, Kamal, Priya, Preeti, Daisy, Farzana, Suzi, Arti, Garima, Aneeta, Jennifer, Almira and Steph in my life. You all hold a place in my heart and I will never forget the love and compassion that you all showed me in those 8 amazing months that we had together. 

The Aftermath of Part 11...............(Part 12)

Sunday 12th August 2018

Its been 19 days since my last blog so I thought it was time to sit back down with a big cup of coffee and set to work on another piece. I would like to say the last 19 days have been amazing, but the simple truth is that I have been involved in yet another personal fight with depression. Since my last post, I feel into the black hole once more and for a while their struggled to continue with the day to day. Sure, I still got up each day and did all the things that I needed to do to keep a roof over my head with a big smile on my face each day, but the reality was that I was hurting inside and only a selected few really knew the full extent of the pain that I was working through. 

I have spoken about my depression in these blogs before so I don't want to delve into that to much here this time round. What I will say is that depression is in no way discriminate of who it attacks or where it attacks. Most of the time, there is no valid reason for the way I'm feeling. Most of the time you won't even know that I'm suffering because I like many other suffers have found ways to hide it and continue on until the cracks begin to appear and forces you to face up to what you have been hiding from those around you. 

By Tuesday last week, my cracks started to show and it was becoming more and more obvious that something wasn't quite right with me so I faced it head on. The level of understanding, empathy and respect I got from talking about what I was going through is still something I find hard to deal with at times because for most of my life, I haven't had that. I was always just putting it on or looking for attention in the eyes of the ones who where meant to be supporting me. So to have some empathy given to me when I was at my lowest point made me very emotional. I found myself not being able to have conversations without tears welling in my eyes. Now this is not a knew thing for me, I have always been an emotional being and wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess its just its been even more intense over the last 19 days. 

The other thing I can say about this times journey down the black hole is that I know what caused it this time round. Most of the time, I can't say that but this time was different. Those who read my last blog (if you haven't as yet, I suggest you go back and read it as nothing I write from this point will make sense from here on in) will hopefully understand that I put every last bit of emotion in my body into that piece. I wanted it to be special to honour the strength and the sheer admiration I had for this special girl who I called Lisa. Lisa went through a lot, and put up with so much as I dealt with what I was feeling for her. The simple truth is that in the end, I couldn't stop loving her. Lisa became like my half girlfriend, she was the one that gave me reason to move forward each day when everything else seem lost. I didn't matter that she didn't feel the same way about me in the end because I loved her enough for the both of us. Every single beautifully worded song I heard reminded me of her and every place I went I could only think how much this place would be better if Lisa was here sharing this with me. 

When I saw her, I played it cool like I was fine which enabled us to remain friends without it getting all awkward again, but the truth was each time we greeted each other with a hug, my world stood still and I didn't want to let her go. Everything just seemed right when she was in my arms. So you see, it was important that I tried to portray all of those feelings and emotions into those words I wrote in that last blog. I had been in contact with Lisa over the days leading up to the blog to firstly gain her permission as I felt that she at least had the right to know that I was going to be writing about a time that not only affected me but her. I also wanted to let her know because I wanted her to be alright with it, I respect her feelings and opinions obviously because I still held very strong feelings for her. The Blog itself, was more or less finished on the Monday night with the exception of a few bits to tidy up. Lisa gave me the go ahead to publish on the Tuesday and I received notice of that during my lunch break. That day after work, I jumped into my car to begin the drive home but before I did I checked my phone for any messages. There was a notification  on my phone to say that Lisa had posted something knew to Instagram. I decided to look at what it was and all of a sudden it was like someone blew out my candle light out. 

The thing that I had been dreading the most, actually happened. Lisa had met someone. I knew in that instant that everything I held so dear to me had gone. It forced me to wake up to the fact that I always knew but tried to ignore that it was never going to be more than friends. I guess I just believed in if you wanted something bad enough and wished for it hard enough, the laws of attraction would finally prevail. I had heard that others had done it and it worked, so I was willing to give it a go. 

I got home that night and finished off the piece by saying that I wished her all the best in her new adventure. I meant it, Lisa deserves all the happiness in the world and I would never begrudge  her that. The only thing that I wish for out of all this is her happiness. So, on the day I found out that she was starting a new relationship, I posted. Lisa did read it and told me that it was exactly what she expected it would be. She approved. 

The following days were a mixture of just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind while I did my best to carry on forward. I was driving to work one morning listening to Jason Mraz's song, "If it Kills me". One of my favourite Lisa songs. All of a sudden, I was swept over with emotion and couldn't stop crying. Driving to work at 6am in the dark was hard enough but add a constant stream of tears into the equation and it made it near on impossible to drive. Worst still, I was driving through an area where they were doing roadworks so I couldn't even pull over to the side of the road until my moment had passed. 

I knew I was in trouble emotionally so I decided to talk to one of my best friends. I visited her on Thursday night as I do every Thursday night and straight away she knew something was wrong with me. I have only known Tracey since November 2017. She is yet another ex-parent friend of mine and over the course of this last year has become one of my best friends. She's the kind of friend that I always wanted to have, she's strong, determined and in her own words, "Fiercely loyal". At times I question our friendship because I feel at times that its such an unlikely paring. I mean to say, Tracey is like the cool kid, the popular girl in school and I'm the nerdy one that never gets noticed, but for some reason we just click. She's the kind of girl that when we talk, we can talk to each other about random stuff all night and just laugh, then more often than not, realise that it's 3am and another day is dawning. 

Tracey calls me her Kindred Spirit, I never really knew what that meant until now. Tracey could tell that something was wrong with me and it didn't take me long to fill her in. I had spoken to her before about Lisa so she was well versed in my feelings for her. I have actually told her more stuff than I tell most others about myself so telling her this information was very easy in the end. I kept saying to her, I don't get why I'm feeling like this. She was never mine to begin with so why do I hurt so bad? Tracey was like, it's simple, you have every right to feel like this because you had real feelings for Lisa so your allowed to feel hurt. 

She was absolutely right of course, I did have real feelings for Lisa and I guess a grieving period for what I was feeling was understandable. As the time wore on over the coming days I tried to keep pretty much to myself. I cancelled Tutoring jobs because I didn't feel effective in what I was doing and things were beginning to wear me down. My only focus, was making sure my day time job was ticking by smoothly, which thankfully was. By the Friday of the following week I was feeling like rubbish. I had caught some bug which made me feel even worse and I had plans to catch up with a mutual friend of Lisa's. Lets just say, It wasn't my finest moment. I was in a bad way, coughing, spluttering aching all over and by Friday night, my patience had pretty much up and left me. So much so during a conversation with my friend, I got so frustrated with her that I actually did something that I never do, I swore at her. I instantly felt like crap and the rest of the night kind of went down hill from there. The sad part is, that I still don't remember if I even apologised to her for it. That person in my car that night was someone who left along time ago, that angry, frustrated person was not who I am anymore and if by chance you are reading this "N", I'm sorry I lost it with you, please accept my rather unorthodox public apology. 

The following day Saturday, I spent the whole day in bed trying to get rid of my bug. By Sunday, I was feeling much better and knowing that my girls were coming over that night gave me the extra motivation I needed to pick up and start moving forward again. By about Wednesday, Thursday this past week, I felt the need to write again so I knew I was coming back. Its always a good sign when I feel the urge to write. That plus I was getting messages from loyal readers who were waiting patiently for the next instalment of this journey. 

This Blog was meant to be about friendships today, as usual it has taken on a life of its own and gone off on another tangent. I am so very blessed to have some amazing friends in my life that support me in times such as these who know when to say at times the smallest things that help get me through. Without these words of comfort and encouragement, I may have given up long ago. The world is constantly changing and evolving and friends that were yours one day, may not be the next day. For every friend who has ever supported me you will never be forgotten.